The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband is out and drunk. It is after midnight on a Wednesday. He attended his intensive outpatient therapy today and attended an AA meeting earlier this afternoon. For the first time since last September, he is drinking outside of our home. And he is very drunk - I can barely understand him when he calls me. I went to a movie with a friend tonight for the first time in ages. (See Bridesmaids - it's chock full of Al Anon-y type stuff.) I am in bed trying to focus my thoughts away from anxiety and fear. Reminding myself that we've only been together less than 3 years and he took care of himself before, I don't need to go out ther elookingfor him. He doesnt know where our truck is parked (we live in NYC so it could be anywhere) and every time he calls he claims to be in a different part of town - sunnyside, long island city, brooklyn. I activated the family finder on our cell phone plan so I know he's not very far from our house and I can probably guess which bar he's in. But I'm staying up in bed, not panicking, not throwing on my clothes and trudging out there to try to beg him to come home. I'm very angry and disappointed, but I'm trying really hard to take care of me right now. I have to get up in the morning to go to work.
I meant the vows i made to him when we married - richer, poorer, sickness, health. I don't want to leave or divorce my husband. We don't have children. I want children. That may be the breaking point. It is not at all fair or right to bring an innocent child into this mess. I'm grateful for this forum for providing me with an outlet for what aim feeling and am thankful for the support and fellowship of those who participate and keep it going. Good night all!
Marianne
__________________
--Mare
Grateful member of Al Anon
"Live in and for the day, each and every day, starting right now."
Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D., "Marriage on the Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and
an Alcoholic."
Aloha Marianne...early stage recovery is difficult...it is about doing life different than what we were taught we were supposed to do. My early lessons didn't continue with, "now if it is an alcoholic/addict that you're marrying then...." My HP saw the need for a program of change in my life way back when I was a toddler and so it was to be that at the age of 37 after years of insanity (I was born and raised under the influence) I would find the doors of recovery and then learn, "now if it is an alcoholic/addict that you have married then this is how you do it for yourself only." By the grace of God alone I have a life worth living outside of the influence of alcohol and drugs and you can also whether he is drinking or not. HP led me to the white pages of the telephone book and after I called Help in Emotional Troubles and the Suicide Prevention Center HP guided my fingers and eyes to the "A" section of the book and that is where I found the hotline number for Al-Anon and an angel I have never met who then guided me to my first, for real Al-Anon face to face meeting on a Monday night which then became my "home" group. All the suggestions..."sit down and listen with an open mind, get literature, read it all, do 90 meetings in 90 days before you make up your mind if this will work for you...If it doesn't, leave to find something else and pick up your problems at the door (that one shocked me!!...I had lots of problems); get a sponsor, work the steps, help other newcomers...etc.
Along the way I learned "Acceptance is the solutions to all of my problems" which first came from Dr. Paul and from page 449 from the 3rd edition of AA's big book which my sponsor told me was great to read also if it helped my recovery and that share by the doctor alone brought me back to a steady breath and pulse rate. I didn't "c"ause it, I can't "c"ontrol it and will not "c"ure it led me to "accepting" it.
I switched Higher Powers...from my alcoholic/addict and the disease to God as I understand God...such a miraculous journey. I hope that for you. Keep coming back. Listen, learn and practice. (((((hugs)))))
Marianne...((((HUGS!))))) Jerry is one of the people here whom I have learned so much from. His post just put me into tears! Wow. I second that.
And in the middle of it all, when you were there in bed and couldn't find him, I know how that feels too. When that was going on for me (and I am sure it may happen again) I had to get busy, read a book, take a bath, watch a movie, play with my sons or my cats...call someone from alanon, listen to a podcast from an alanon speaker...if you can get to a meeting today, go for it! We do not advise people to leave their spouse, that is not what alanon is about. The book Getting Them Sober really has been helping me change. The alanon literature, the daily readers...they help so much too. This board is where I go when I am in the middle of my thinking problem...the AA big book is actually online in a PDF if you google it you can find it and read it. It really helps me understand whats going on with him. He notices the changes in me, and I continue to hope that one day he will find recovery. I hope you keep coming back :) Take care of yoU!
-- Edited by youfoundme on Thursday 23rd of June 2011 05:30:07 AM
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I have experienced that same exact feeling many times before. I would lay awake at night with my phone on my nightstand and wait for a call, text. When I did not get one I used to call trying to find him. I now turn my phone off at 10 PM regardless.
I don't bail him out of jail, I won't pick him up because I am at home with the children. He gets the consequences of his choices and actions.
Years ago I had a moment of clarity. One night it was 3 AM when I heard my son on the baby monitor. I checked on him and as I was heading back to my room my eye caught the clock on the stove. Instantly I was freaked out because it was way past the time the bars closed. Fear shot through my body as I have had in my past been through 9 days of ICU and three months of physical rehab with my husband as a result of his drinking. It was the most difficult time in my life being married to see him like that in the hospital. Suddenly a voice as clear as someone standing before me said in my head "Did God take care of you today?" Surprised, I answered out loud "YES." The next thing I heard was "Is there any doubt he will take care of you tomorrow?" I said "No" The last thing I heard was "Go To Bed!" I went to bed and actually slept peacefully. I don't know when my husband returned but it didnt matter I felt at peace.
Worry and fear are like a rocking chair, it sure keeps you busy but gets you no where. I have used tools like the A-B-C's of gratitude to get me to sleep on a good note on the nights he is out. As a result of this program I have faith, hope and trust in Gods plan what ever that may be.
FAITH: Isnt belief without PROOF, but TRUST without RESERVATION
Thanks again for all of your kind thoughts and words. Interestingly, and much to my own surprise, I feel quite fine today. My AH returned home around 2:30 in the morning. My husband advised me this morning that he nearly got arrested last night - he tried breaking into a car that he thought was his to drive home. Thankfully, his HP kept him from being behind the wheel. His car was parked right across the street from our house the whole time! Someone called the police after seeing my husband trying to pry open the car door with a pool stick (I'd still love to see that work ONCE) and he would have been hauled away but for friends of his who were in the local bar coming out and calling in a favor to keep him from behind bars. I personally feel it may have been better if he did get arrested, but that's not my decision to make. This morning I was chipper, happy (a bit sleepy) and in general good spirits - I slept well, and am looking forward to an evening with some of my girlfriends. I was in lousy spirits yesterday, after the argument my AH and I had Tuesday evening (he wasn't drinking that evening). Today he said, why were you so grumpy yesterday when I didn't drink the night before and today you're so happy and I did drink? I told him, you know, my mood does not rely 100% on whether or not you've been drinking! He had nothing to say back to that.
Thank you thank you thank you all for your support - here I am, working, relatively happy and looking forward to later on! I am staying out of my husband's recovery, like everyone said to do, and focusing on myself. Who knew?????
Marianne
__________________
--Mare
Grateful member of Al Anon
"Live in and for the day, each and every day, starting right now."
Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D., "Marriage on the Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and
an Alcoholic."
I came on here tonight just to see if you had an update! I am so glad to hear all of it :) That is awesome :) Good for you! And my bf asks that too, and what a great answer you gave to your ah! HAHAHA, good for you!
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Wonderful progress Marianne! It feels so good to look out for yourself, doesn't it? Keep working the program, be kind to yourself, and keep coming back!
when you were there in bed and couldn't find him, I know how that feels too. When that was going on for me (and I am sure it may happen again) I had to get busy, read a book, take a bath, watch a movie, play with my sons or my cats...call someone from alanon, listen to a podcast from an alanon speaker...if you can get to a meeting today, go for it! We do not advise people to leave their spouse, that is not what alanon is about. The book Getting Them Sober really has been helping me change. The alanon literature, the daily readers...they help so much too. This board is where I go when I am in the middle of my thinking problem...the AA big book is actually online in a PDF if you google it you can find it and read it. It really helps me understand whats going on with him. He notices the changes in me, and I continue to hope that one day he will find recovery. I hope you keep coming back :) Take care of yoU!