The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My soon to be ex got home on saturday from Hazeldon. She was met here by here convicted felon, pill pushing boyfriend.
She spent 7 hours in three days with my three boys. The entire time I received emails, texts and calls blaming me for the divorce and everything else wrong in her life. She ultimately tried to take her life yesterday with pills and alcohol. She will be released from the happy house once shes not a threat to herself. Kind of a funny statement as she will drink the minute she gets out.
I know will get to explain to my kids why mommy cannot be around them.
Ive been compassionate throughout this ordeal the last three months. Im now out of compassion and have zero expectations of her. All I can do now is protect my kids and hope for the divorce to speed along so I can start my life over.
My biggest issue is tempering the utter disgust I feel right now. Its a disease....but man this sucks.
I am sorry to hear this and I am hoping you are making it to as many face to face meetings as possible. This disease is so devastating to everyone it touches, keep taking care of yourself and your kids. The only thing that helps me to feel sane is making it to meetings, talking to my sponsor and working the steps. I have slowly went from dettaching with anger to dettaching with love, it takes time. I have a month left until my divorce is final and it has been so emotionally draining, there is no quick fix after all the years of chaos, but slowly I have stopped obsessing about him and focused on me and my health and my life. I am the Mom I want to be and have gotten my 13 year old some Al-ateen books to read also. I read Al-anon literature every morning and night and it just sets my mind straight. We are in counseling and things have settled down quite a bit, but without Al-anon and working the steps I don't think I would have broken the cycles within myself and I would have probably jumped right into another crisis filled relationship. I feel like now I have the tools to spend the time with myself and get healthier before I go looking. I was so used to reacting I wasn't stopping and thinking and life truly is a whole new world after 6 months of attending Al-anon. I am sending you courage and support!
__________________
God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Jeff, I am so, so sorry. May I ask how old your kids are? CanadianGuy has reminded me several times that the most important thing is to let our kids know that they are always loved, and always safe. My three kids range from 1 year - 11 years old. They each require a different approach, but I try to get that message to them every single day. And of course, be good to yourself, and gentle with yourself. You are shouldering a great burden right now. You are working your program and doing the very best you can.
I'm sorry to learn that she has relapsed. Your feelings are quite natural.
After my divorce, I realized that I had a lot of emotional baggage that I didn't know how to unload. So I went to an Al-Anon meeting, my last resort. That was 4 months ago. Walking through the doors of Al-Anon is when my life began to change for the better, not when my divorce was final.
In hindsight, it would have been in my best interest to make Al-Anon my first resort.
I hope you are attending meetings, or are at least giving them serious consideration.
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
My boys are 10, 9 and 6.....Id like to goto a meeting, but right now need to keep them safe. I need to make certain my soon to be ex cannot get them as I fear for their safety. Are there groups that would be appropriate to take youth to? They understand a lot, but I dont want them to grow up too fast either.
I so sorry to hear this. It sounds like she is not ready to accept sobriety yet. It doesn't seem to work until THEY are ready. Trying to play the "blame game" at your feet is a good example of this. You are keeping your kids safe and that is your number one priority. This program works if you work it. I am living proof of this. Attend meetings, come to the MIP site, read the literature, and listen. The "old timers" can give you so much experience, strength and hope (ES&H). This program will help to reverse some the learned behaviors that we have developed from living with an alcoholic. But it all takes time. So, welcome to MIP, we are glad that you are here. Peace to you.
Some folks take to sobriety and recovery and some don't. I'm sorry to hear about the pain you are going through and what must be going on with your sons also. When I drank I used to drink "at people" thinking it would harm them. I drank to make myself look sick so people would take care of me. There were all sorts of "reasons" I drank. As you know, there is never any good reason to engage in self-sabotage. I really think it is great that you realize there is nothing you do that "makes" her drink and "makes" her go down this self-destructive path. Furthermore, every adult takes a risk in relationships that there will be a break up. Every one of us needs to be able to stand on our own 2 feet as best as possible and that makes for a stronger relationship (my opinions here...not Alanon per say). I pray that your ex has some sort of spiritual enlightening moment cuz it sounds like typical active alcoholic BS at the moment. Detachment for the sake of your own sanity sounds good for now.
At 2 different meeting groups that I attend, I've seen young children there. Just yesterday evening, a woman brought her daughter, who looked to be about 8. They sat in the back and the daughter had some toys to keep her busy. Another woman has brought her two sons. I think it best to inquire about children at meetings.
Two books that I highly recommend: 1) Courage to Change 2) One Day at a Time These can be purchased on line. I bought both my books used, but in excellent condition. I got themt through amazon. com Both books were under $5 each + postage. At my meeting group last night, I saw that these book new are $13 each.
These two books can help you keep your thoughts straight and help you move forward in a positive direction.
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
It IS disgusting and infuriating to watch a loved one turn their back on what we think should be most important in order for them to pursue their addiction; an addiction that will only worsen and destroy. I want to DO SOMETHING to get through to my AH - everything I tried so far has failed or seemed to make it worse; the harder I tried to help him give it up (with HIM wanting to give it up) the more stubbornly he clung to his right to have a few beers ( the disease ). My situation is one where I cannot live with him drinking because he becomes too toxic and the anger too destructive. My family doesn't understand why I'm "dragging my feet" getting the divorce done but they aren't me, they don't know the him that is hard to let completely go of. In my situation I now believe that the ONLY path there is to take is through divorce and complete and total severance of all ties to him as a consequence of his drinking. I have no hope left in me that he will return to AA - he may stop drinking due to his health problems but without AA he won't ever take responsibility for his part in his problems and he will stay angry at me and continue to blame me for everything wrong in his life. I refuse to be his whipping post anymore and I need to be able to discuss with him issues from the past so that they are resolved instead of being smacked with them everytime he's angry again. If that is never to happen then we will never be together again and I can live with that.
Right now I allowed myself a moment to reflect on him - think about him in all the goodness he can/could be - tears warming my eyes as I remember what it felt like to be in his arms, to feel so comfortable wrapped up in him - to miss the good him so deeply - seeing him with the baby blue jay on his bald head; kissing the bridge of his nose and his remark that it was such a caring gesture; sitting on the couch with his head in my lap and stroking his forehead as he slept - God, I miss him, please take care of him, keep him safe and if it is Your will that we be together, Thy will be done..
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
This must be difficult for you I know because i have 2 childer 4. and 6 and it is still hard. I knew I had to do something with my life and make a change because I needed help as well. I blamed everything on my husband. I still do somethimes. Alanon had made life so much better for me and my children. I have carried both of mine to meetings and even though they are young they were welcomed with open arms. And the oldest knows on Tuesdays I go to meetings and she goes with me if she wants to I let her make that choice. Sending you courage and prayer from me! Keep coming back :)
My boys are 10, 9 and 6.....Id like to goto a meeting, but right now need to keep them safe. I need to make certain my soon to be ex cannot get them as I fear for their safety. Are there groups that would be appropriate to take youth to? They understand a lot, but I dont want them to grow up too fast either.
I have a son that is eight and I would not take him to a meeting. There are people crying often, expressing anger and sharing their emotional baggage. The content of discussion is quite adult as well, since people are sharing their esh as well as challenges of their lives in relation to addiction. I do not want my son exposed to that at such a tender age. When my son is old enough for alateen, it will be appropriate.
I used to take my son to a sitter when went to meetings before dad came back in the picture. Dad didn't know who the sitter was since I obtained a new one after he left.
Meetings are what saved me, and continues to guide me.
It's sad to see how this disease allows only "tunnel vision". Everything including the children are pushed aside. The addiction is first and foremost. Everything else is in second place.
Keep taking care of yourself first and your children will always be in good hands. Try to find a meeting, don't worry about your children, they will be accepted, members of Al-Anon will understand..........and understand you as perhaps no one else can. Members know there needs to be at least one sane person in every household.
One of the things I enjoyed learning in Al-Anon is that I don't ever have to wait for something outside of me to change in order to "start living my life." I can start that change now, if I so choose. Just takes courage to do it. It seemed in the past I was always putting my happiness on hold because I was always waiting for one thing or another to change so I could finally feel better. Not any more, thank goodness.
There are alanon meetings for which they do offer free babysitting. I would call the local alanon information center in your area and ask. You can find the number in the phone book or from Alanon website:
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
I have two boys, 2 and 7. My seven year old came to the meeting with me last Tuesday and has come occassionally when there was no other option since he was two years old. It is a smaller attended meeting in the morning and I know everyone there. It was a great meeting no problems. However, I have been in meetings where strong language has been used and not appropriate for children. I go to another group open AA meeting on Sunday mornings for which I always see children there. I think each group handles it differently as there are many dynamics in every group.
Aloha Jeff...and welcome to the board...stick around and listen and learn and practice what we have learned inside the rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups. Al-Anon is called the "Family Group" because alcoholism and drug addiction is a family disease. It affects everyone it comes into contact with and always does. The program teaches us among other things how to have our own peace of mind and serenity whether the alcoholic/addict is still drinking/using or not. We learn that our life is primary important and if we don't have that in order than we also contribute to the insanity...our part.
I caught on to your running out of compassion and having no expectations share. It was like that for me also and then full participation in the program taught me and helped me to regain and grow the compassion which is necessary for anyone so deeply affected by this life threatening disease. It is a disease nothing less. I also learned about expectations of my alcoholic/addict wife. I learned to temper my expectations...not expecting anything she was unable to come across with. Whe I learned to expect that she would drink and use and that I had no control or choice in the matter it didn't bother me as much. I didn't like it and it didn't throw me for a loop like in the beginning before Al-Anon. My alcoholic/addict wife drank and used and got into so many life threatening consequences even when she didn't want to that the only thing I could feel after a while was compassion and unconditional love just like what I get from my HP. Lord knows I also need compassion and love too.
Keep coming back here for support. "She lasted one day after treatment". Sometimes small blessings lead to larger ones for her. HP gets another chance to work the miracle. (((((hugs)))))
Dear Jeff: Sorry to hear about all the drama with your ex. Yes, this disease sucks. You are in the right place to receive unconditional love, acceptance, and moral support. I am cheering for you. Things might look dark now; however, when you start attending meetings, you'll feel better. Alanon is an invaluable resource for family and friends of alcoholics. This too shall pass. It is temporary. Be gentle with yourself. You are doing great taking care of your children and keeping them safe. Sending you hugs for encouragement. Keep posting and reaching out. Blessings.
The good news, I guess, is that she is now only allowed supervised visits. Man, I didnt want this, but at least the kids are safe now. I told her she had to make it one week without drinking to earn the right to see them. I feel like a prison warden.
She lasted one day after treatment.What a heartbreaking and anger producing sentence that is. My heart goes out to you Jeff and to your sons. Alanon slogans are tools we can use to keep our sanity in very insane situations. Yes - we are powerless over our loved one's disease of addiction. We are hurt, angry, weary, human beings who have to keep it together for the sake of our children and other loved ones who are depending on us. We have the right to not accept unacceptable behavior. You are looking out for your children, doing your utmost to keep them safe. Bravo to you Jeff. Be good to Jeff. I wish you strength, comfort, and peace.
My boys are 10, 9 and 6.....Id like to goto a meeting, but right now need to keep them safe. I need to make certain my soon to be ex cannot get them as I fear for their safety. Are there groups that would be appropriate to take youth to? They understand a lot, but I dont want them to grow up too fast either.
The alanon program here offers two meetings with sitters the kids are never in the same room. My daughter is 12 years old (I wouldn't allow her to be in our room at this point it can be very heavy emotionally) and she babysits these meetings and does very well. Sometimes no kids show, the most she has juggled and done well has been 4. It's an hour, you are worth it and most importantly your kids are worth your peace of mind. I truly encourage you to find a meeting or if you have family support such as grandparents, aunts, uncles cousins please utilize that help. You do not have to stay in pain and you do not have to be alone either. You have a right to a healthy, happy life, where you take care of yourself. Hugs and good luck
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
