The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ive been trying to prepare emotionally and in knowledge in advance for the "slip",didnt think the bottle would be back quite so soon, even thou A had talked of "experimenting"with it again. I guessed he'd brought some home and hid it tonight, I went looking so I'd know if 'it" was back, and yes it is back in my home. I was just talking to our 11yr old son this afternoon and wanted to tell him that his Dad had been thinking of drinking again - his face dropped, and I know how he felt. I asked him what he didnt like about when Dad drank, so I could try to ensure those same things didnt repeat if at all possible, he said he didnt like the agro,arguments,Dad not spending as much time with us, embarrassment when Dad slurred or stumbled infront of others. Our son wants us to play with him outside with the ball,and go across to the school field to play. I told him, so he would be aware and have prior knowledge like I do, and to avoid him getting a shock and getting real upset if he saw Dad drink again. I told him that I've found a better way to respond to Dad, so trying to give him some hope that I can do something to help the situation/atmosphere in our home. I did not expect to be talking about a scenario that would happen the same evening!
I understood a relapse was very common, and that Antabuse doesnt fix nor take away a drinkers struggles. It just sux that the "bad tenant"as I like to call the horrid Vodka, has come back into my/our home. I don't know what things are going to be like from now on, I don't know how bad it's effects will be, nor how often it will be consumed. The worst experiences we've had in the 8months of heavy drinking include his attempted suicide -( our 11yr old knows about the tablets and alcohol taken that dreadful night), "Ä" slapped my face and butted me with his nose, our holiday was awful because of his behaviour and the alcohol, he admitted he had driven with our son in the car whilst very drowsy - he drank in the very early mornings to get back to sleep so was probably over the limit, there has been no contact between A and my family since the suicide attempt except my Dad giving him both barrels as he had been aware of all that had been going on. I will not share about this to my parents because it will further damage their relationship with him-and my Dad may intervene as he has talked of doing-to protect me and the boys. I will not share with his parents either,as they will not cope at all with this news. His sister is in early sobriety and is doing really well, I'm so proud of her and her strength and enthusiasm, I have been supporting her through almost the same journey, and I'm so greatful for what she has taught me about what she has learnt, she's an inspiration. She's currently staying with us, I can talk to her but I don't want to overload her either. So, thanks so much for listening, I am on a journey to learn the better way, I'm so glad to know about Alanon and the teachings and I will continue to read and seek. Through all of this, there are special blessings, like the awareness and knowledge gained about people/life/struggles/appreciating my own good upbringing, and gems of value like learning to become a better person overall, and positive teachings I can pass on to our 2 boys while they're young, and most of all, a reason to look and focus on my HP and take on board the truths. One day at a time. Taking a deep breath....
I too grew up in an alcoholic home. I would have to say that it wasn't the drinking that bothered me, it was my mother's physical abuse, arguing, screaming at my dad and all of us in the family. Dad was quite predictable, passed out drink right after dinner, usually around 6 PM. Dad was a kind and gentle drink that I loved unconditionally. We knew what dad was doing, but we had no idea what mom was going to do. She was pretty volitile. Our home would explode at any time. It felt like we would live in emotional extremes, from love to hate. It would have been nice to have an alateen program to go to. My mother would drag me and my dad to AA meetings when I was about seven. It wasn't an appropriate place for me at that time.
I thought I was done with that part of my life when I moved out of my home and put myself through school. Fast forward, I found myself in an alcoholic marriage. I married a different type of AH, a binge drinker which didnt look like a problem because so many people were doing it. What I can say is that alanon transformed not only me but my alcoholic who has not chosen the path of recovery. I have found it necessary to not keep tabs with his or my family. It only creates disharmony in family relationship when discussing the problems in our marriage. I had a sponsor, meetings, and the steps to put my "problems" in. Our relationship really changed with my spouse and my children when I got busy in the program and began attending meetings on a regular basis. I began working the steps with a sponsor and have come to a place of peace and forgiveness with my AH loved ones.
I don't know if you are attending face to face Alanon meetings. For me having information was just that, information. How am I to apply all of this knowledge I am gathering? The men and women in Alanon showed me how through their experience, strength and hope in sharing in the meetings.
Thank you for your courage to share with us today.
Thanks tommyecat for your reply. I am sad to hear that you grew up in an alcoholic home, and then found yourself in an alcoholic marriage. Thanks for your post, I want to do everything I can to help our sons in this too, I do not want to make it worse for him, I have struggled at times to keep my cool. I am just very new to this site, I haven't made it to a meeting yet-it's tricky after working during the day, and esp now if A drinks in the eve he'll most likely fall asleep before the kids - so I'd prob come home after 9pm to the 11yr old still up - trying to get his 3yr old brother to stay in bed and sleep. I don't have many tolls in my toolbox yet - and I was expecting to be better prepared! I am stewing about this on the inside, but I will do my very best not to react to him, and keep my cool, while I learn how the heck to really process this on the inside, and I'm trying to figure out what boundaries I'll need to set, I'm really not sure yet about that at all. Shame, cos tonight I confirmed our plans for a weekend away just the two of us- hasn't happened in years, and he's so looking forward to it.....and the very same night, the bottle returns. Like I want IT to come away with us too.....it's sooooo unwelcomed..to say the least.....
I would not change one detail of my past experience with alcoholism as it has unlocked the door of greater serenity, sanity, and peace that I have ever felt before. I will say that Alanon has changed my life in that I am able to experience wonderful and appropriate relationships with people in my life who still continue to choose to drink. Today I have loving boundaries in these relationships that help keep me strong. I learned this through the process of working the steps with a loving sponsor, attending meetings on a regular basis, and giving back what was so freely given to me - the experience, strength and hope of the program.
I am so very sorry to hear it is difficult to make alanon meetings. I would like to share that in the beginning I went to tons of open AA meetings. I got a lot out of the AA meeting listening and being open to their perspective. Sometimes there are more open AA meetings than there are Alanon meetings. Try it, see if it works for you.
This is a wonderful tool, MIP. It is a loving forum bringing people from diverse background and recovery programs. However, there just is no substitue for face to face meetings. The love and acceptance in face to face meetings, hearing members share honestly, and being part of recovery in action is amazing.
Aloha Brooke...welcome to the board and the family...you don't have to be alone in the disease. There is a ton of love and support here for you and at the face to face meetings in Al-Anon. It sounds like you're already attending. If not we'll tell you how to get there, get it and get life changed for the better. There is also lots and lots of literature at the meetings including literature for "teens". Alateen is a part of the Al-Anon Family Groups and since this is a family disease recovery tools are there for every one in the family. Keep coming back. Your husband and the family is suffering from a cunning, powerful and baffling disease which is progressive (always gets worse, never better) and which cannot be cured...only arrested by total abstinence. If he doesn't stop drinking insanity and death follow.
You didn't cause this, cannot control it or cure it. Learning that saved my life. It's a disease and not a moral issue and so the program was when I went to get my peace of mind and serenity.
Brooke, I can relate to the relapses so well. My AH has been to rehab at least 4 times. He has relapsed many times. Now, he won't go back for recovery and has no program. Oh, yes, I know and that feeling hurts. Baby, if it hurts badly, get a good cry and release tension. Posting here and attending meetings are the best gifts you can give yourself and your children. You will find recovery. The focus has to come back to YOU. Your qualifier will find recovery when he is ready and able to surrender to his addiction. In the meantime, you are to continue to take care of yourself. Read Alanon literatures. Listen to Alanon tapes. Google Mary P. She has wonderful Alanon messages. Keep coming back.
(((Brooke))) I understand what you are going through... unfortunately, most of us here do. I think that you are doing great. Awareness of what YOU are going to do is a big step. My AH tried the Antabuse also. It works, but only if you take it. Mine quit taking it. But, there is hope. My AH has been to 4 rehabs, 5 detox, etc... He has almost 16 months of sobriety. He had one slip early in this last recovery, but did not slip again. We talk about the alcoholicism occasionally and how it affected our lives. I think it brings us both understanding of the "other" side. He has told me that the better I get emotionally, the harder he wants to continue working on his recovery because he doesn't want to be "left behind." Keep working your program. Even if he doesn't acquire sobriety, YOU will be in a much better place. Remember.... if there is breath, there is hope.
Oh heck, I can't believe this disease, who would've thought. I'm struggling with my feelings on this, this tragic disease has badly effected my home as earlier mentioned, and it hasn't given up. I again feel the load of having to cope with it myself - I know I've support, but I am the one who has to deal with it in our home alone, and as I've said to family before, I'm the one who has to make the tough decisions - be responsibile for our sons and decide what to do to protect them from this disease, and decide what boundaries I need to set, and try to help myself, to keep my cool whilst simmering on the inside, shut my mouth when I'd like to react to the situation and the unjustified blame directed toward me, swallow hard and carry on, when its like theres a MAJOR STORM IN MY HOME. And people say how are you..........heck I can't even begin to tell you.................Thanks everybody for your posts, I come here for help and thankyou for sharing, because I am searching on a path I know is well trodden, I will continue to read, listen and absorb because I really need to get support, and sort my head. Thanks. PS Sis in law just relapsed too - she'll be back on track again now tho...dunno bout my AH....
-- Edited by Brooke on Sunday 26th of June 2011 05:56:37 AM
