In al anon we talk about how our qualifiers often have a distorted sense of reality. I feel like my AH is in that distorted realm right now but I can't be sure and I'm having a hard time being objective. I also feel like the current situation is one I've been trying so hard to avoid, steer clear of and be mindful of: my husband just told me that I am controlling and dictating and he is resentful of me. I'm sure it's a common occurrence in the world of us al anonics but it's a first for me and I wasn't at all prepared for it, especially after such a fruitful al anon meeting earlier today. In furtherance of a previous post, I've been feeling isolated and lonely. I've been trying to stay cheerful and positive around my husband but I am his only companion and have been feeling a bit exhausted of it. I have seriously curbed may own behaviors - I rarely go out or spend any money. Until last week, the only steady income coming into the household was may paycheck. My husband's father (a consummate enabler) "loaned" my husband and I another $100 every week to get by. My husband and his father have a business together doing contracting jobs. My husband's father returned to his native Hungary Memorial Day a weekend and my husband has been doing all of the work for the business since coming home from rehab 2 1/2 weeks ago. He has brought in about $500 since then. I work on Park Avenue as a real estate attorney, 8 years out of law school. We live in a rent controlled apartment. I bring my lunch every day, drive a 1999 Honda civic and most of my clothes are from Target or the like. We rarely travel. And still we barely have money to do anything. I went out Saturday night with a friend of mine and spent $100. This is the first time I had gone out in almost a month. I have plans to go to a movie with another friend tomorrow night. And I have made plans with more friends on Saturday but have left Sunday open to spend with my husband. My husband told me today that he expects to get paid from a job that he did this week on Thursday but that he owes money to a baseball pool he is in at the bar that he used to frequent before he began recovery. I hate that he continues to throw money away like that, usually my money, and told him that I thought gambling when we are so broke isn't such a good idea. He then said that he resents me because I can do anything I want and he can't, that I haven't had to sacrifice anything like he has and that he is doing everything I tell him and that I have been dictating to him show he has to live his life. I asked him if he thought that his recovery and attending aa was only for me and not for him as well. He didn't answer. I sometimes believe he'd rather be out getting drunk and high every day than being married and having a family. But then he sometimes insists that that is not the case. Half the time he tells me he is in recovery for himself and his own well being, half the time he makes it sound like he's only doing it because his father and I want him to, his mother died from alcohol related disease. This sounds suspiciously like typical alcoholic talk, like a twist on reality but I'm not sure. I said that I have made sacrifices too, that that was part of the deal in being married, that we work towards common goals and that it's a means to an end. He said there is no end at it goes on forever. I said it was a figure of speech but that I thought he understood what I meant. He said that all he knows is that he feels a lot of resentment towards me because I get to do anything I want and he can't do anything. I didn't engage, I didn't start to ramble off all the things that I have given up that came to mind because it's not a competition of who gives up more, who pays more, etc. I just said that I was sorry that he felt that way but that we both had agreed when we got married to do what we need to in order to have a good marriage and that takes sacrifice from Bo sides. Then he said he was dine sacrificing, done talking about it and for me to leave him alone. So I did. From the outside I am calm and respectful towards him. But on the inside I am fuming - I am thinking how dare you! How dare you dictate to me what we talk about and when we talk about it! I wasn't finished discussing that and I wasn't even heard. I feel disrespected, disregarded, unloved and insignificant. And I feel like I'm being punished for trying to have a life outside of my home and my marriage. I feel very confused. Maybe he is right, maybe I have been doing the exact thing I've been trying so hard not to do, controlling his life. But I'm not sure how not to do that in the way he is suggesting. How do I continue to run our household and pay bills but not have anything to say about how he spends our money? Especially when the only person who has made any money for 13 1/2 months of our 14 months of marriage is me? I am willing to sacrifice and work together but I do not want to be taken advantage of. I am very much looking forward to our couples counseling session on Friday evening to see abot revisiting this again! in the meantime I am trying to keep calm and continue to maintain my own dignity and my husband's by not lashing out, not saying anything disrespectful or unkind. But his treatment of me not only makes me feel lousy but it's ticking off at the little bug in my brain at says he's been drinking. I can't always succumb to that bug though - in the course of a marriage there WILL be times when we disagree, one one party says or does something to anger the other, and it doesn't always in I've alcohol! It's just that we haven't got much of a precedent for handling those situations. I will keep on a trying though, looking to my higher power to give me guidance here. The serenity prayer is especially helpful - I desperately. Need the serenity to accept this situation, guidance on determining what, if any, of it is mine to change and e courage to take the necessary action to ensure that we come out of this better that we feel right now! Thanks again, al anon in ether land, for the forum to vent and talk this through. Gratefully, Marianne K.