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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Update on me
Post Info TOPIC: Update on me
ilovedogs


~*Service Worker*~

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Update on me
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Hi all, I haven't been around much.  I've been experimenting with detaching.  Exploring my thoughts and issues with alcohol and how I may misperceive things.  A few folks on here had sent me some private messages suggesting to me that my dh didn't really have a problem with alcohol, that the problem was how I was seeing it and trying to control it based on my past experiences with my own alcoholic father.

 

To some degree, they were right.  My dh has been drinking, not every night and has not gotten plastered as far as I know.  Yet, when he drinks I find myself counting how many even though he's given me no indication that he's drunk as a skunk or whatever.  He always seems in control and is actually more friendly and talkative once he's had 2-3 beers.  I guess my issue is that I always want to put limits on it in my head.  Like, I think that he should only have 3 beers and no more.  And, once he goes past that imaginary limit that I set in my own head, then I start judging him.  I really need to figure out how to get past this.  I want to talk to him and tell him that more than 3 will probably impair him(he's a big guy and 3 beers is nothing to him) or that 4 beers has a lot of calories, but I know he won't care because he has a history of doing exactly what I don't want him to do when I express concern.  He likes to be a contrarian, so to speak, and he's stubborn and has made it clear that he will do what he wants.  

 

So, I feel stuck.  Of course, he's stopped hiding his alcohol because I've openly allowed it now and at least that's not an issue.  I'm just really afraid that he's drinking too much at times and I'm trying to figure out if it's my fears from my past or my concerns about the future that are gnawing at me.  I enjoy a drink now and then with him, usually a glass of wine but that's about it.  And, there have been nights where I've had a glass of wine and he's sitting there drinking water all night long.  I feel like I'm doing this really big experiment that's going to backfire on me somehow but I haven't figured that part out yet.  Maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe I'm just filled with so much fear that it's clouding my judgement and my sanity.  I guess we'll see how this plays out over time.  All in all, though, things have been good around here and we're all getting along just fine.



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youfoundme


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1221
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Well thanks for posting again! Welcome back :) Here is what I am thinking, from what I have learned...that it says that you qualify to be here because someone else's drinking is affecting you. Growing up with your dad drinking, that can cause co-dependency issues and exactly what you are going through. For me, when I really apply that first step that I am powerless over EVERYTHING and EVERYONE and what they do (even the weather), I feel like I can relax a little. It may only be for a moment or a few seconds, that relief that I get...from letting go. So maybe your DH isn't an alcoholic per se, but if his drinking bothers you and you end up thinking you are powerful over alcohol because you are counting bottles and putting limits on it (even if you don't say it out loud) then you are right back there, and have to re-state step one. I heard this at my meeting the other day, that when I count bottles (for my bf its vodka nippers), it means I think I have power over his drinking.
Have you gone to any face to face meetings? There you will learn and get to listen to other people's shares. It helps me so much to be THERE and now I have someone I can call, and she actually answers the phone and talks with me! I don't feel so alone in my head when I hear her voice of reason on the other end of my phone...
Take care of you. This program is about you,
HUGS!

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-youfoundme

Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me... 

 
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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Hon when I got to the point or to a certain point in my recovery, all I had to say is,"Wait a minute, what he does is none of my business. I can only control me, if something bugs ME, then I have to figure out what to do for myself.

I remember waaaaaaay back my best friend was saying on J still has not built my shelves! I finally said,"for petes sake build them yourself!"

I guess from being a widow, single mom for so long I sure don't like anyone in my business!

Reversies is a good way to figure some things out...hugs,deb

 



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
ilovedogs


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1582
Date:
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Debilyn, you are so right! I have to say this about my dad, too. One day he's surly and every other word is a curse word in his conversations with me and then the next day he's sweet as pie and we have a normal conversation. The good news is: my dad is not drinking anymore!! He had to quit because the alcohol was interfering with his antispasmodics(he's a paraplegic from spinal surgery 16 months ago).

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Struggling to find me......
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