The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A hubby has been in a binge for weeks and I have learned to live life on lifes terms. The things we once did together, I do them alone now. I moved on with my life and am happy about that. Yes, I miss hubby. It would be nice to have that normal life. However, as I see things and the direction they are going, it will take a miracle for us to be normal again. This disease has torn us apart. Hubby thinks that I am mean because I choose not to participate in the drama he creates. I am still loving and empathetic toward him. For heavens sake, it has been 36 yrs. Of marriage. Hubby wants me to react to his drama. That is how he feels loved. Ive told him that I love him; it is the disease I dont love. And, the best give he can give himself and me is recovery. Of course, hell do it in his own timing.
On Fathers Day, I gave him a big hug and kiss and wished him best wishes. I made no special plans as I did in the past. It was not in my heart to make huge plans. My hubby has his own hangout and his own drinking buddies. It has been a long time since he even spent time with me. Well, let me tell you that hubby had expectations from me on Fathers Day. He scolded me for not taking him out to eat, for not buying a gift, for not taking him to church, etc. I could not believe all these expectations he had and was upset he did not get them.
The fact is I moved on and have put the focus on me. I go to church on Sundays. That is how I feed my spiritual life and make connection with other believers. This is important to me. Once upon a time, hubby used to go with me. When his disease progressed, he stopped going. The pastors have counseled him and nothing changed.
Sad to say that he picked his own lifestyle. He goes clubbing and drinking on weekends. His friends are his priority. While he does all these things, I am looking for recovery to cope and overcome my emotions. I am so glad I have program. Alanon teaches me to let go and let God. In this situation, that is what I have decided to do. He is entitled to express his expectations. However, I dont have to people please anymore. Whatever I do must come from my heart. It must be honest. Otherwise, why do things just because others expected them.
One of my character defects has been people pleasing. Thanks to Alanon, I have recognized this defect, among many other defects. Now, I am working on making progress and not perfection. Also, I know there would times where I have slips, and that is okay too. The truth is that I have self awareness today. Consequently, the A in my life will not receive it well. Ive done it for so long. One day at a time is my best friend. Thank you for letting me share.
Thanks for sharing, hawaiilover. I can totally relate to everything you wrote, right down to the Father's Day story. Know that you are doing the right thing.
What a great share, thank you so much! Its awesome to hear the program working when we work it :) I look forward to when I can do the steps with a sponsor, so that I can figure out all my defects that I need to be entirely ready to let go of... thanks!!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Yes, working with a sponsor is a gift. It allows you to look at yourself for who you are. It is an eye-opener. Through the steps I learned about self. What a shocker! You know, we are all work in progress. The Alanon program says that it is about "progress and not perfection." As long as we do our part, our Higher Power will do the rest. Thanks for your encouragement.
Here's to all of us "Recovering People Pleasers!" Hip, hip, hurray for us.
You're doing the best for you and hubby. Denial is mighty strong. You can't stop living. Keep moving forward with your life. Hopefully, one day he will "get it" before it's too late.
Come back to share any time!
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
That is cute ( ha ha ha). Love it! Isn't that something. Denial is mighty strong to say the least. I am so glad for the gift of this program. Our fellowship is like none other. It is a lifesaver. Thanks, Gail. Hugs to you.
Aloha Hawaii...That is how it is done; how I was taught also and how I practice the program myself. It is good living when you can love and detach with love and move on while keeping the awareness of the consequences he is earning and the consequences you are earning.
I remember once finally getting my plan working and I dressed up my alcoholic/addicts kids and her self and carted them off to church one Sunday morning. I was pleased as punch and smiled and puffed out my chest as we walked amoungst the congregation to find an empty pew before the mass started. Did I feel great and in control and just knew I was going to get some strokes from my HP for accomplishing my mission. I knelt and looked up at the alter all full of satisfaction and prayed "We're all here Lord" and as HP has often done with me, HP responded "What is she doing here?" and my self satisfaction melted with awareness. My alcoholic/addict and her kids were not there because she wanted it but because I wanted it. HP wanted her and her kids in a relationship because they wanted to be in one with HP. I never did that again even when I continued building my own relationship with my HP because I wanted it.
My expectations are only that it works when I work it and more will be revealed when I keep coming back with an open mind and the willingness to help others.
Yes, Jerry. Then HP is a jealous and He wants no other God but Him. I am so glad you listened to that voice. Good for you. The truth is, our loved ones have to want that relationship for themselves. Otherwise, it is not serving their purpose. Thanks for sharing.
