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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Hello....
Post Info TOPIC: Hello....
JLeigh


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Hello....
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I've been here a few times to read, but have never posted.  I guess I just need to feel like I am connecting with others that are dealing with similar issues :(

I have a 25 year old son.  He has had drug/alcohol problems since he was around the age of 16.  He has never been to rehab, but did do outpatient counseling at one point.

I have looked for al anon meeting here in my area, but called and they told me they were not meeting anymore. 

My son's father passed away last year from a drug overdose.  Just last month, my son's best friend passed away from a drug overdose. 

No matter what......I cannot get my son to see that he has to get help.  My step-son has even offered for well over a year to help get him into a treatment program that he has access through from his job.  My son refuses to admit that his problem is bad enough to need help.  :(

To complicate things, my husband and I are self-employed.  Our son has been working for us for a year this past April.  We basically moved him a mile from us and put him to work, because he was living in a house in the next town and making his living by illegal means.

This past year has been one of the most stressful of my life.  My son has progressively gotten to where he misses at least one day of work totally, and is late ever day.  It is really hard to let him get away with this, when we have two other employees that are on time and never not show up for work.

This past Sunday (Father's Day) he didn't show up for a family meal I had planned for my husband, and we didn't hear from him all day.  I knew he was at his house, because I have to pass it daily.  I even tried texting him three times and he answered none of them.  I woke up at 2:30 in the morning and couldn't sleep knowing that I hadn't heard from him.  I had to know he was ok, so my husband offered to go with me there to check on him.  After knocking on the door for about four minutes, he finally answers it and just tells us he had been sleeping all day.  :(  Of course we know this isn't true.....  And we have not heard from him since then.  Today is the second day of work he was a no show this week.  I finally told my husband that I can't take this anymore.  Last week we told him he had three strikes left of being so late and before Friday had even came around, he had used up two.   I am so tired of being manipluated. 

I hope I am doing the right thing.  I hope there may be other parents on here that can relate....

JLeigh



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tommyecat


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Welcome JLeigh!  I am so glad you are here and have found the courage to share with us.  Please stick around as I am sure there are many parents that have some experience, strength and hope on this very subject.  

Respectfully Yours,

Tommye

 

 



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Debilyn


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"Getting Them Sober" By Toby Rice Drew, volume one. Amazon.

hi J, I believe it has to be the hardest when the A is your child. Becuz when they have the disease, we have to drop all the things we thought we should do.

No more nurturing, checking on them, helping them get a job, offering rehab, giving them food, shelter we have to stop all the things that they can do for themselves or they will NEVER have a chance to do it for themselves.

Other parents will share with you.

The best thing I did was to send my son out the door with all he had in the world in a back pack.

He was in his early 20's I thing 22. He has grown into the best man he can be! I am sooo proud of him. My daughter was always independant and did not mess with drugs etc.

When we do all that for them, they don't ever have a chance to know they can do it for themselves. They have to fall to learn.

We rob them of growing up. He has to admit he has a problem on his own, he has to find a rehab and get himself there when he is ready.

Its like many of us do not buy them a car or truck, when they get it for themselves it means more.

He is an adult now and needs to answer for his behavior. My ex AH is 59 and if his mother didn't end up in a Foster home, he would still be mooching off her! Instead he parasites off this woman who is terminally ill.

I am sure you do not want this for your son!

It's gut wrenching but its the only way. We have to take care of ourselves and out own life. Not allow his disease to kill us. He would hate it if he knew how you feel.

We hope they get sick enough of being A with all the crap they have to go thru, that they will look for whatever they can to stop. And that is NOT you guys, that is AA, a sponsor, books, rehab.

He should be losing his job, be busted for the other thing you mentioned. He is not going to learn to be a good man unless he answers for his behavior!

For 18 years I worked with all kinds of kids, mostly at risk. The ones who did the best were the ones I loved, and they knew they could not get away with anything with me!Or I would hang them by their thumbs!! lol

For me I held my breath and sent him out the door. Cried where ever I went and people asked me what was wrong. The men would say GOOD! He will be fine! And he was and he is. an amazing man he is.

Hugs  hon, keep coming. If you can get that book! Is there an Al Anon there? If not we have meetings here.

Glad you are here. hugs,debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
pinkchip


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You finished your job parenting when he turned 18. You are doing the right thing by letting him experience life on his own and to be responsible for himself. Of course it might be an ugly road ahead, but just pray and know you did your best.

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youfoundme


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As a mom myself, I am sure it is hard to let him do his own thing, but as a girl friend to an A that had his parents doing everything for him til he was 30, I know you HAVE to let him go. Let go and let your higher power take care of things. He has to grow up and he has to take care of himself. When you detach with love, you will see that you need to concentrate on you now. I hope you find meetings for you, alanon will help!

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-youfoundme

Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me... 

 
hawaiilover


Senior Member

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JLeigh,

Welcome! Alanon is the best recovery program around for family and friends of alcoholics. I don't know how I would have survived without it. Sorry to hear of your son's drama. You will find comfort here as well as face to face meetings. Allow me to hug you. Sending angels your way.

 

Hawaii



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JLeigh


Newbie

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Thank you for the replies. I read every word!

You will be seeing me around for support and knowledge!

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tommyecat


~*Service Worker*~

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I am so glad you came back.  Please don't be shy about posting.  We do get so much out what you have to share. 

Thanks and Keep Coming Back!

Tommye



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