Trying to help my husband with addiction - Al-Anon Family Group

ivanasinclair · Newbie

Trying to help my husband with addiction

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow that is a lot huh!

Have you looked for Al Anon meetings there? We do have them here if you need them.

AA there? That is up to him.

That is a hard one. My AH was drafted during the Viet Nam war, left a cute country boy, came back an heroin addict.

The best thing we can do is find Al Anon. Read literature like,"Getting Them Sober." Toby Rice Drew. You can get it on Amazon.

We learn the 12 steps, that we have NO power over their disease! We can do nothing for them. They have to totally take care of themselves, decided if they want to continue or get clean and go to rehab then AA 90 meetings in 90 days then cont to meetings as needed, and follow a program of recovery for them.

Again we can help ourselves by not getting into their business, their disease. I learned to love the man and knew it was the horrible disease that made that very hard behavior to live with.

It is hard to remind ourselves what he does, chooses it is up to him. He has gone thru more than we realize,he is a man, an adult. We owe him the dignity to figure it out for himself.

It really is freeing for us. As we can not give the disease and bolony any thought or energy. We can look past it, and just love them.

Do nothing for them that they can do for themselves.

The behavior is selfish, liar, manipulative, gross, thoughtless,argumentative and more. But when we learn to let go of that part, we do soooo much better.

Plus the sicker he gets the better as many then get so tired of the disease that is when they find help.NOT US. they need to do it on their own.

I learned to say, well of course it is your choice! And you might be right. NEVER engaged in any bolony when he made no sense. AND NO you are not crazy, he will try to blame you. They cannot stand to face it is them and their disease.

So what are you going to do for YOU today? love,debilyn

ivanasinclair · Newbie

Debilyn,

It is a lot! We live in Italy and it is a small community of Americans and there is not Al Anon group here, I have looked for one already. He goes to AA and NA meetings at the rehab place and he will continue to take them when he comes home. I will get that book. Have you read it? Did you find it helpful?

I hope Im understand what you are saying correctly. Are you telling me to basically ignore his disease? I can not do that. This is something he will live with the rest of his life and it not only effect him but it effects me as well.

ivanasinclair · Newbie

I think I am in a good and healthy spot. I work 5 days a week and go to college online. I am doing a lot for myself. Going through recovery alone my work for some people but my husband has involved all of his family and he has told me that I need to learn about it. I have also read that family plays a big part in a persons recovery.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Ivana to MIP. I would recommend the pamphlet "Alcoholism, A Merry Go Round Named Denial" # P-3. It really helped me when I was new to the program. I found myself as I was reading it. You can google it and read it online.

Two other ones that were so very helpful is "So You Love An Alcoholic" # P-14, and # P-7 "A Guide for the Family of the Alcoholic"

As for meetings and information regarding Alanon in Italy, here is the Alanon Website for Italy:

http://www.al-anon.it/

Phone number: 39 02 58018230

Should you call the number, you may get a newcomer packet containing some of this information. Our group passes pamphlets out for free which is not like that in other groups. If there is no meeting in your area, please consider going to open AA meetings. They really, really helped me when I was new in the program. I wanted to hear from other alcoholics what it took to get them sober, what was their bottom, and why there were still in the program today. It was so enlightening to hear their stories.

Please keep coming back and share with us what you can. You are not alone here. There are many of us too who have traveled that unhappy road also. If you keep an open mind, you will find help.

Respectfully Yours,

TC

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi there and welcome here! I think what everyone is saying is this: You are addicted to him, just as he is addicted to his drugs and alcohol. I was in denial at first and couldn't imagine I was addicted to my boyfriend. We concentrate on them and even though you say you are doing things for yourself, what we learn through alanon is to do spiritual things for ourselves. Meditation, contemplation, keeping calm, not reacting...learning to love ourselves so that we can truly love others. The' book Getting Them Sober really does help. I am reading it now and it gives you a new perspective on whats happening. As with all things alanon, take what you like and leave the rest, but the steps, getting a sponsor and getting to meetings is how we help the alcoholic/addict....

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You are not understanding. Going through recovery "alone" doesn't work for anyone. Nobody is saying that. He has to be responsible for his recovery and you have to worry about yourself. Nothing you do or don't do is going to cause him to relapse. He will never be "alone" because AA and NA will always be there for him regardless of you. You can only be the loving and wonderful wife he married and that is all that is probably what you are best at anyhow. Make sense?

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

Just like there is nothing that you did or didn't do that caused him to use drugs or alcohol, there is nothing you can do or not do that will cause him to relapse. It's his choice and his decision. Not to say that you can't be supportive, of course, but ultimately it is not your decision whether someone else will drink/use or stay sober.

My husband is an A - he has about 2 years of sobriety now. In my own recovery, I've discovered that I was totally addicted to figuring out how to cure him/arrange his life so he couldn't drink/checking up on him/worrying about him. My behavior was my own sickness. I put a lot of pressure on him because I constantly questioned, checked up, and treated him like a 5 year old with a naughty streak instead of respecting the fact that even if I don't agree with him picking up a drink, he is an adult and has the right to do that if he chooses. My recovery is about learning how to live without worrying about my husband. I'm still there every single day - we got to some open meetings together and do many other things together. Today, though, I respect him as an adult and an equal instead of trying to make decisions on his behalf because I think I know what is best for him.

Welcome again and keep coming back!

Summer

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I was wondering if he is in rehab if they offer any kind of support for the spouse/families out there?

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Ivana, I hope you keep coming back.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.