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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Goodmorning mip, son update!
Post Info TOPIC: Goodmorning mip, son update!
Katy


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Goodmorning mip, son update!
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Well, we set boundaries which son broke, we didn't have a plan B, for me I was stumped and chose to say nothing I just read loads and practiced what you all teach me, it hurts lots, lots of turmoil and heavy heart, seems son chooses to sleep outside with no home comforts rather than repsceting our wishes, of be in at a certain time, no drink driving etc. I am trying to let go of all the worry, worry he is not safe worry he is getting worse by the day, but also hope that this new tough love stance will put the responsibility squarly on his shoulders.

am using let go and let god

the three c's

the three a's 

awareness

acceptence

action

I can barely put one foot infront of the other but I am doing it, and it really is something I haven't done before, I am doing something different and exspecting different results, just need reminding that this is love in a different form but still love just the same, and also these boundaries are as much about protecting us, we have changed the locks now, I had told son respectfully that if he went out after 10pm on a work night he wouldn't be allowed back in, we heard his phone go off at 12 pm Saturday night, I said if you go out now you will not be coming back in, he chose to go, then in the early hours of the morning he was phoning us to be let in, he said your awake anyways now so let me in, we turned him away. 

Husband and I are planning to go away for a night this weekend, that is something I have not been able to do, but the programme is working in me because, things keep popping into my head like, he is going to drink or not what are you going to do about it? 

What is really difficult too, is how other people view what we are doing, we  are approachable parents, they phone us to ask what to do, this guy who our son has been working for, told us our son was stinking of alchohol on the morning he turned up to work for him, he was concerned that our son was on his motorbike, my husband said look, do what you think is right, if you need to send him out and he gets picked up, so be it, if you think he is unfit to work send him away, I am just hoping that someone else outside of our family will reach him in  a way we have not been able to.

For all you peeps out there going through this too, my heart is heavy for you, it's very hard not to take this personally and not feel a failure, I think it is a mum thing

Anyhoooooooo thats me, see you soon.

 

Katy

  x

 

 

 



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Katy
tommyecat


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Oh Katy my heart really goes out to you reading your post. My kiddos are still so very young to have direct experience to share on this topic. I will say however that I think you are level headed in your thinking. You are setting boundaries with love and acting in your own best interest first which is always important to take care of you before others. My lovely sponsor always told me God first, me second, everyone else third. You can't lose in that order. You are handing his disease right back to him so he is responsible for his own choices and actions.

In a meeting a few months back a member shared on the topic of worry, that it was a negative form of meditation. In our literature I remember once reading in Today's Reminder of I think C2C "worry is like a rocking chair, it sure keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere". That really got me because that is what I was doing non stop. So this program helped me little by little focus on a solution - my HP, invite Him into my day and ask Him to direct my thinking and actions and teach me how to live. I have a very strong willed mouthy seven year old for which it is very difficult to stay calm around. In my morning prayer and meditation on my knees I ask God to help me be a mother to him. To give me the words and guide me with love to set boundaries and discipline him. I do it in the morning and about 3 PM because he seems to get slightly more adept at it in the afternoon as I am grow more tired as the day moves on. I need my HP to carry me through the day and when I ask for help, he always comes through.

"Life is a cinch by the inch, it is hard by the yard" as an AA older timer Searcy used to say. Keep up the good work my friend. I am here for you as you are in my thoughts and prayers.

xoxo
tommye

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canadianguy


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Hi Katy... there are seldom any "right or wrong" answers in our program, but for what it's worth, it really seems like you and your hubby are working your program, and heading in the right direction....  By doing something different, and practicing the techniques you are learning - you are also giving your son the opportunity to change his ways as well.... He may choose recovery, or he may not.....  At a minimum, you have 'changed his world' where there are consequences for his choices....  Hopefully that can be a catalyst for him to make some positive changes in his life very soon...

Take care

Tom



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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
Debilyn


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Good for you. You are giving him a chance to grow up. Hopefully he will learn what he needs to have a better life.

Its it not easy. We never know what will happen. No expectations.

Hon it will be what it will be. Even with us smothering them, trying to keep them safe is not good for them. They have to learn to be on their own!

No matter what we do, we really are not in control anyway. I hated it when my kids left home, you know that. I still want to see them every wk end. I miss them and grand kids so much. My son's son is back in our life btw.

Just thinking about you and husband makes my stomach get growly. Husband is right. Men know what they feel inside. It is NOT the same as women.

Now I have this theory that that women, at an early age are more cautious, leery, even scared. we feel vulinerable. Part is hormones as we carry the babies and must be kept safe.

I think about what I do where ever I go, don't be alone in  the woods or pastures...on the road if car breaks down do not let anyone get you to ride with them. Do not help people on the road no matter how much you want to. you an always call for help for them by calling the police or sheriff telling them you saw someone stuck.

now I am willing to bet men don't think like this or most. They learn to be men, the protectors, the ones who provide.

Its all hormones and chemicals.

I will keep your kiddo in my prayers! No matter what we have to let them go! BUT we can always say I love you!

hugs hon,debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Goodmorning mip, son update!