"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Mandagrl1 · Newbie

Day 4 of Husband in rehab-Having a really, really bad day...Please help...

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Are you going to meetings? This sounds like a time that it would be great to have some phone numbers to call, people to meet up with or come over, or a sponsor to talk to.

The truth is that while they're addicted to alcoholic, we're addicted to them. I know when things were unclear with my A -- I didn't know if he'd stick around, or I didn't know if he was drinking, or I didn't know what the future would look like -- I could be completely enveloped in panic. I couldn't imagine how I could go on without him. As it happened, it turned out that I could go on just fine. But it didn't feel like that. I felt like a two-year-old whose mother has walked out on it. I felt like I was going to die, I was that scared and upset. The alcohol pulls us into the craziness and pretty soon we can't tell what's real and what's just feelings.

I would bet a lot that your feelings are just that, as mine were: just feelings. Not real. Not that it's pleasant putting up with them. That's why we need program and meetings and recovery and our own serenity.

Remember, one day at a time. I hope you can do something good to take care of yourself. It sounds as if you've been through a lot. You deserve some peace. Hang in there. Hugs.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Great vent, and I am sure that it felt good to get it out...

Now it's time to take all that energy and emotion and apply it to YOUR recovery.... You have been given the gift of space & time right now, while he is in recovery.... The choice is yours - you can either stew and fret about what he is or isn't doing, or you can take advantage of this gift to work on yourself...

Take care

Tom

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

When I have time on my hands, getting to a meeting is always what is in my best interest. Is so important for you to also find recovery. Getting the literature and coming here helps, but the face to face meetings really do help. I spent about the last 9 or 10 months denying that I needed to be in meetings, coming here off and on, reading the books, going away from it all and pretending I didn't need to be getting to meetings...Then I realized I needed to be here and in meetings. I need to for me and my own serenity. For my kids. For my relationship with my A...And when I go, I feel better, I ge connections and phone numbers to call and people I can ask questions of in real time. Who can hold me when I cry and encourage me on the good days and the bad. They understand and they know where I am at that moment.
I hope you can find meetings for you in your area. It will totally help, more than any therapy ever helped me, alanon helps...I feel like a different person when I really do apply what tools I am learning to my life. I am powerless over alcohol...I am truly powerless. And I need the meetings to help me surrender and allow my HP to do the stuff I think I need to do...take care of yoU!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

yes very good share!!! wow!

Hon if you can do this, stop all this stuff in your head!None of it is doing you or anyone any good. We can take a breath, read a good book, get some good movies, make your self go on a walk with the kiddo.

Work on getting you whole again. meetings are great, they do help. Try the chat room, that helped me. Make sure you take care of your primary needs, eat well,drink good water, rest, nap with kiddo.

If you can go shopping, go. We tend to make their life ours. It isn't. You guys are separate people with specific needs and desires. Separate interests that you can go for. And then too you have a place you share too!

He will be whatever he is honey. Day at a time. His sobriety and being on program is number one. But you want that!

They need to come home and go to AA 90 meetings in 90 days, and it would be the best for you to go to Al Anon.

There is no cure, he will always be an addict. It is not garbage like he is doing it on purpose and can control it. He needs a strict plan to stick to, to be as healthy as he can. They do not get over it. Its a disease. We learn to hate the deseased behavior and love the person.

Al Anon can save your life. We learn to take care of ourselves and give the A the dignity they deserve. It's their disease, their business. We cannot control it.

Look at your share. It says so much! look how many times you used the word I. you are really facing so many important things!

"Getting Them Sober." by toby rice drew." GREAT book to start with. cheap on amazon.

you can learn a lot here. When he gets home, he made need his space. You just be you. He is still him!

I do relate to the death thing. I have lost so many people you don't want to know.

I do that too, get concerned someone or something died. If my animals are sick I am scared they will die. Its the nature of the beast called grief.

I lost one husband to death. My next one knew me all my life. He KNEW he had to stay with me. I had been thru enough. he had to be SURE. Up till we said our vows I asked are you sure???

to mo. later they found a brain tumor, he had brain surgery and took out his heart. Meaning he was no longer the sweet man I knew all my life.

So believe me I relate. I think about death every dang day. NOT on purpose. I just let it go away.

Anyway hugs! really hope ya stick around. love,debilyn

Mlkiss75 · Veteran Member

Hang in there! This too shall pass. Keep yourself together and know that there are others out there rooting you on! You WILL be okay!!!

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi
I went back and read your initial post. Like many, you've a lot going on. Do you know if there are family sessions at his rehab facility? Call to find out. My ex is currently at a rehab that encourages family and friends to participate in family meetings, every Thursday and Sunday. Thursday, they do some form of educating the clients' loved ones and friends, such as discuss why alcoholism is classified as a disease by the AMA. Sundays, there is always some type of group work that teaches clients, family and friends how to communicate their thoughts, feelings and needs.

You didn't mention if you've tried Al-Anon meetings. Are you attending meetings or are you considering to do so?

I lived with my ex for 36 years. The last 25 years or so was very difficult due to his drinking and denying his addiction. I needlessly went through a lot of emotional and mental pain because I was too stubborn to try meetings. However, even though I was way late for my first meeting, I've been attending meetings for almost 4 months and have felt so much better. Meetings are very powerful. They enable you to be surrounded by people who understand what you're going through. They don't sit in judgment, nor try to tell you what you should do. Meetings are just part of the program; it's a good starting point.

Al-Anon can save your sanity and teach you how to live happily, regardless of what you husband decides to do. Not easy to believe, but so true.

Please continue to post as needed. We're here for you!

-- Edited by GailMichelle on Tuesday 21st of June 2011 12:00:20 AM

Kristi136188 · Veteran Member

I remember the night my husband got drunk enough to really act out his suicide plan. I remember being at work and getting a good bye text and to tell his daughter it's NOT her fault. I remember calling 9-1-1 and I remember getting home and seeing him sitting outside our apartment against a brick wall with the gun in his mouth and him sobbing. I remember it like I remember watching a movie. I remember begging him and pleading him to go and get help, to let me take him to the hospital. I remember the police coming and getting involved and I remember the kindness of a stranger that kept offering me water because he didn't know in what other way to help. Yes he did go and get help at a mental health ward where they did talk about his alcohol abuse. I was lucky enough that I could go to visiting hours and that I could talk to him more than you can your husband. But i still remember that ache. i remember going to my parents to stay for a while and i remember wanting nothing more than to go home and lay in bed. When i got there it wasn't what I wanted either. I wanted him to hold me. I wanted to be the one to fix him. i wanted him to tell me that he'd never drink again or do this again. But he was doing something more for himself than I could imagine. I remember worrying what he was going to be like now that he had pledged to be sober, would he still love me? did the alcohol make him love me? was it the alcohol that made him not want to be intimate with me? or was it me? I was so lost, and I hadn't even thought of al-anon at that time. Nobody understood. They all wanted me to leave him and I just couldn't. I loved him. When he got out though him and I had the longest talk ever. We talked about everything. Every lie, every fault, every emotion, every experience. We talked pretty much for 3 days straight in between eating, sleeping, and making love. I still struggle sometimes with that fact that I'm together with my A because i hear so many people that their relationship didn't last. It makes me wonder if we're destined to fail. Part of what i found out i missed was how I tried to control him. I got rid of all the liquor and beer. I remember taking him to the store and going odd ways through just to avoid the alcohol. I made his recovery a two person process. As much as you want to nurture and love him and take care of him. This is the time that you need to let go. Let him go on his own and come to you when he needs you. I recommend watching When A Man Loves A Woman. Some of it really applied to my situation and some of it didn't. Venting your feelings is a great way to help your recovery. Writing, talking with people that understand (al-anon), talking with friends. Hell, I even have started writing a book about my life with my husband. Just so I can understand what exactly happened. He is not the only one that needs to get well. You do too, and possibly your daughter (and any other children in the home.) It never gets "better" while they are gone, but it get's more manageable. You start to find ways to occupy your time. Try volunteering or enrolling your child/ren into activities they enjoy to get you out of the house. Take baby steps. Tomorrow morning make a goal of "i'm going to take a shower and get dressed today" then maybe the next day expand upon it. This is a challenging time for you. please do not hesitate to talk to any of us here.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Manda...that sounds like I've lost my drug of choice rant and I don't have any control or focus cause.... Been there and done that and for me it was a step 1 thing, "Admitted I was powerless and my life has become unmanagable". "Now that she's gone what will I do?" With nothing to do I went crazy and by the will of my HP and HP's direction I found the doors to Al-Anon and the face to face meetings where I would meet hundreds of others who had "been there and done that" and found their way out of it and into a better way of life. If you haven't found the doors to Al-Anon; the hotline number for the meetings in your area is in the white pages of your local telephone book. I hope you get there quick cause depression sucks. (((hugs))) smile

Red Hawk · Veteran Member

Kwai (hello), Manda, and welcome to MIP!

I think we've all been where you are at one time or another. When you hurt that bad, "one day at a time" is more than you can handle. It's more like one breath at a time, one heartbeat at a time. As bizarre as I know this will sound, IT'S OKAY to feel like you're feeling. It's all part of the process. When I was at one of the lowest points in my life, the best thing I did for myself was to remind myself, "There's no quick fix for this one. This is going to hurt for a LONG time.....and it's okay." Give yourself permission to hurt and to grieve. Give yourself permission to not understand and to not know all the answers or what the future holds. It might feel right now like it's the end of the book, but it's not - it's just the end of a chapter, and a new chapter is getting ready to start.

You can do this, Manda! You've already survived so much - you're stronger than you know. Just keep coming back. Find some face-to-face meetings and attend them regularly. Find and read some recovery books. Do it for YOU, because you deserve it. The program works if you work it, and we're all here for you. No matter how lonely you feel, you're not alone.

Red Hawk

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"