Walking the Line Between Self Awareness and Total Pity Party - Al-Anon Family Group

stephaniej · Senior Member

Walking the Line Between Self Awareness and Total Pity Party

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I fully understand what you are talking about and something that has helped me is doing something for myself every day if I can (which I do try, some days are just easier than others). It sounds silly as I type it .. lol .. shaving my legs, doing my hair, going to a f2f meeting. Mantras are also a good one, I love Mr Rogers. I always think about what he says about being perfect just the way you are. I can't tell you countless hours I have spent looking in the mirror and literally repeating something to the effect, "I am loveable" "I am enough" I say mine out loud just so I get the double feedback even if I don't believe it in the moment, that is what works for me. It's just something to put myself back into the awareness that what is going on has so very little to do with me as far as the behavior of someone else goes. Constant rejection is no fun and it's especially hard when it's coming from the person who we are suppose to have that connection to, it's so not you it's them and you are doing what you need to do to find the peace you need. Hugs, some days are just better than others, it's such a huge blessing to know that we are no different than the weather patterns. No matter how bad things might feel/seem in that one second the next second is a choice in how we react to it.

Otie · Senior Member

Dear stephaniej, there are several questions that I am wondering as I read your post. Forgive me if you have already written about these. How long has he been in recovery/or is he still active? Have you and he talked about this issue---particularily your feelings about it? Is this a radical change from another time in your marriage?

I realize thaat it is often awkward for even married couples to talk openly about their love life. It can feel very threatening on either side. These are feelings--just as important as any others. I think it can be a block to intimacy if very important feeling cannot be talked about. Intimacy assumes that it is safe to be vulnerable with the other person.

I ask these questions because intimacy in a relationship can be affected by such a long list of factors. But I feel, from my own experience that talking with each other is the first step.

Also, stephanie, why do you say that your feelings fall under "pity party" category. I feel that that is a disservice to yourself.

Sincerely, Otie

-- Edited by Otie on Monday 20th of June 2011 04:38:42 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Of course you feel the way you do! It's perfectly normal.

This is your marriage too. I agree with Otie. What is it going to hurt to talk about it?

Or have you? My AH was so out of control of his body he was so afraid of messing up. His integrity suffered greatly. But he was a jerk about it of course.

He was famous for the answer,"I don't know." GADS I wanted to strangle him. But learned after awhile,he really did not know. He lost himself.

Its so different being married to an A. They don't think the same as a non A so it is hard to know how to bring things up.

Maybe bring it up as being his friend?

Um maybe if you said,"Were you happier when we had an intimate relationship?"

I was thinking too, what if you guys dated again? Do things together,picnics, movies, things that will give you things to talk about? Maybe start at the beginning again asking him his favorite meal, or does he ever think about wanting to do something new like fishing or?

Keeping it light. I know w/teens I used to suggest the mom and or dad to just do that. go for a walk, take them shopping, fishing, whatever. Just listen to them, don't bring up anything heavy.

My mother told me to always listen to my kids even if it was dumb stuff about who is talking about who. then when they need to talk about the big stuff, it will be easier.

With a man with this subject I believe we have to be so darn cautious.

Ok where are the men here and why are they not responding????

You guys have been apart so long, too much. I honestly believe if he is not completely done with the marriage, that honestly starting over would be nice.

Does he still want to be married?

I want to share that I was not shocked or whatever when he felt he did not perform. Made no difference to me. I absolutely loved just having a naked man in my bed! lol my husband. Just to feel skin against skin...kissing. geez I gotta stop talking about this, I am gonna go nuts! lol

BUT after talking, acting like nothing was wrong. He still well ignored it, put me off, I got mad and called him a sexless wonder. Yes it was not nice. It was the first and only time I ever said anything mean to him.

I know it was not me. He had been after me most all my life! Musta been really awful uno? but then he drank or pilled or injected it alll away.

I digress.

I agree too, do things for you. If he puts no effort out, then maybe that is when we look for things in life that will take us away from the house, learn to get used to staying away.

Again my belief. HP even has it in the Bible that the husband is to please his wife and her him in the intimate way. It is that important! We were made to LONG for our husband, its as natural as drinking water! We cannot change our nature.

I don't blame you one bit for feeling sorry. I feel sorry for you and me too. Had to add me.

I never could relate to women who didn't long for their husbands. I mean surprise them, put sexy notes in their wallets, lunch, vehicles, just do all kinds of fun things. I always said you have a husband USE him. They love it.

sigh. BUT if he won't respond honey,what do you have? So I would give it my all.

I would be happy to throw you a pitty party! Sometimes they are real and very ok! love,debilyn (even a pretty nightgown does not work?)

btw, men who marry A women can go thru the same thing! My best friend did, and even though she is now in recovery, they still don't talk.

makes me so sad.

-- Edited by Debilyn on Tuesday 21st of June 2011 12:43:10 AM

stephaniej · Senior Member

Thanks for the feedback, everyone. My AH was sober when we reconnected and married, and began drinking again a little over a year ago (roughly around the same time that he had to start working away from home, AND roughly around the same time that our romantic life took a dive). He is an active drinker now, although he is rarely drunk. I have my own theories that he drinks largely to self-medicate depression, but I have accepted that it is his issue and that I must focus on my own issues.

It's not so much that I think my feelings constitute a pity party; I have worked very hard to learn how to own my feelings. What I struggle with is that portion of the serenity prayer about accepting what I cannot change. It's one thing to acknowledge that I feel badly about the situation. It's another thing entirely to let my bad feelings totally consume me, especially when I have tried to talk about this with my AH, and am always met with hostility and anger. I'm trying to find a way to acknowledge that I have done what I can, and the situation just is what it is for now.

I really like the suggestions about doing things to feel good about myself; with three children, two dogs, and a demanding career I really do need to make a conscious effort to make time for that kind of thing. And it also really helps to hear the validation that my feelings are totally normal, and that I not some insensitive sex-crazed weirdo. :D

It's just another part of my life where I need to grow and learn how to focus on myself, instead of others. Thanks, MIPers!

MDK · Veteran Member

I know exactly how you feel. I miss that intimacy so much! I wish we had romance and I too feel depressed lonely and unattractive and even though it has nothing to do with you it can feel that way sometimes. I am trying little by little to gain my self cofidence back. I do not think you are insensitive weirdo at all. I thought the same about myself. I don't know what advice to give but just know that you are not alone.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

I think what makes the difference in the pity:awareness quotient is when Im wallowing in self-pity I am playing victim and choosing to be inactive. When I make the decision to do something that will help myself &/or take an action that will allow me to feel better about my emotional well-being or my immediate situation- I gain my own self-respect, confidence and self-esteem. I take actions today that empower me. All I can control and change is myself and when u do- it feeds your well-being and program. Others need to decide for themselves if they want to know peace or not. Today I choose peace and recognize the arguments, bait and manipulative tactics of our disease. I seperate me and them from the disease bc it is so cunning- as long as Im focused on my own IFAOs (issues, feelings, attitudes, opinions) and my personal life choices & consequences and allow others to do the same by offering them the dignity and respect to solve their own junk. I can only solve and rescue myself. I offer others love and support and I leave them the to the consequences of their own life's choices. It is their life and I can only be responsible for my own stuff. Recovery is self-discovery! Work it for YOU!

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