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So I have drama with my family....I try to avoid while still maintaining some kind of relationship with them....it's hard....I was told by my sponser that when I start saying "no" to things and sticking up for myself, my family wouldn't like it too much. Problem with that is, your then labeled as the bad guy...the one who is starting all the problems..etc etc.
So today's problem...Early in the year, I told my family me and my son were going to Florida for a beach trip. I invited my parents to go, as well as my sister and her daughter. I then also invited my current bf and his nephew to come along. Keep in mind this was a trip for me and my son, so no matter who ended up going, we would be going anyways. BTW condo is paid for by me. This was something I wanted to offer to my mom cause she does alot for me as far as watching my son...my sister I wanted to offer cause she is trying to go back to school and doesn't have a job, thought it would be nice. My bf said he would love to go and he would buy all the food, gas etc for his contribution. thought it would be fun having all the kiddos go and a family trip ya know???
Anyways, my mom and dad said no to go, my sister said yes, but for the last 3 months has been saying comments relating to being the third wheel and various comments like I'm going to leave her in the room alone or something...keep in mind she cancels on things all the time. Well, she did it..she texted me yesterday and said no she will not be going. I was at my mom's at the time and I told my mom I was disappointed that she was cancelling at the last minute and that's all I said. Told my sister that was fine. My mom preceeds to text my sister and tell her how mad I am(???) and so the texting starts with my sister to me saying why am I mad etc. told her I was not responsible for what mom wanted to gossip on and that I was not mad. She texts me today and says she never said she didn't want to go just didn't know where she would fit in, be the thrid wheel out etc. (her text yesterday clearly said she would not be going due to time schedules), told her I didn't know what to tell her...it's a beach trip that is supposed to be fun and we will be at the beach or the pool. Told her this was not a trip just planned for me and my bf although my family will now use that and say that it was. Told her me and my son were going no matter what and it was supposed to be fun. Now the texting bascially putting me in the wrong seat, implying i'm rude and a bad person have started.....
my problem is sometimes in the old days the enabling part of me I guess, I would constatly reassure her, beg her to go...this time....anytime she called and said before about concerns, I didn't play...just told her if she wanted to go she was welcome. But that will bring drama....
so much for trying to do something nice.....sorry so long
One of the things I discovered early on in my recovery was that if I did not play, other people soon stopped trying to get me to play. For me, not playing also involved not texting back and sometimes not reading texts if I thought I was going to be sucked in. I learned that I didn't have to answer the phone when it rang if I didn't want to - I could always make use of voice mail. People can try to dish out guilt and blame, but it's up to me whether I want to accept them. Nobody can MAKE me feel a particular way.
Dear mslouise, I think you handled the situation very wisely. But, I feel that you will have to get used to this. Families usually react and resist to change in any one persons behavior. Like throwing a rock into a still pond-----and the ripples continue through the whole pond. If you hold steady and consistent and resist being pulled into the drama, they will eventually adjust to the change. It takes time and you may be sorely tested---sometimes it gets worse before it finally settles down.
All of them have their hidden agends and labels (roles)---just as you are in an assigned role. And, it sounds like there is no shortage of passive aggression going on! My own mother is the national poster-child for passive aggression! I was the peacemaker/scapegoat. I was either soothing ruffled feathers or being criticized for something. Of course, I hadn't ever heard of family dynamics. I was just a child trying to survive in my little world.
I doubt that it is meant as personal as it actually feels to you (small consulation, huh? ).
mslouise, I think you did fabulous under fire. Enjoy your vacation and try not to obsess over the drama going on back home.
Sincerely, Otie
-- Edited by Otie on Monday 20th of June 2011 12:12:18 PM
ENJOY YOUR TRIP Have the TIME OF YOUR LIFE You Deserve it
Now My Experience... I have been were you are, Not Exactly of Course, but i have tried to "Include" my Insane Family in "Fun" Events & they managed to turn it around on me many times and most times at MY Expense as well... Something I was Taught HERE at MIP & At my Meetings, is this: "WHAT OTHERS THINK OF ME IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS"... Now I Just wrote that Big Because that is how I had to Read it to let it Sink in.(I Also Posted it on my Mirror, the dash of my truck for a while, on my desk).. and for me it was tuff... I was so use to Helping My Family, "People Pleasing" that when I got Here to a Program, and started really Looking at me, and My Part in My Life and relationships, I didn't always like what a Saw.. When I got here my 1st thing was to of course admit... "I am POWERLESS" and for a while, that was hard to accept, but once i Did... I Realized "Just" how Powerless I was, and NOT Just over the alchoholic/addicts... How Powerless I am of How Others "View" Me, How Powerless I am of their Feelings, their pity, their self hatred... But at that same time... I taught me that if "I" Wanted to be differant... I had to Quit Being their Punchin bag, back up from the fire..Until I Could See a Good In them and refocus our relationship to something that didn't keep hurting me over & over... It was Detach With LOVE... I still have Slips... We all Are Human in that way, but now I try to just keep my eyes open to those around me... Allowing them to be who they are, and if I can't... I Slowly step back till I can... I have learned that Sometimes "My Gifts" are at Times better left to myself...Thinking of "Others" happiness is Not My Business till I Can Get a Handle on my Own...
I Seem to Struggle More with the Non-alcoholics then the active ones at times... and when the sickness is in tangled in the entire family it is really tough... I have a ABrother that has a bad habit of commiting till the last minute then bailing, so my Boundry to protect myself over his behavior is to always accept, regardless of the plans... I Take Care of Our Plans ONLY, and he is to be responsible for his own...He has Come thru a Hand full of times, but the other 40 have been him bailing... and I now accept that is just who he is... And it has NO Reflection on me, or my kindness!
It Sounds to me LIke you Planned a Great Vacation for You & Your Son, and regardless of the Head Count, I will Send Prayers that you ALL have a Great time... Thanks for Being here, Please take what you like and Leave the Rest :0)
Yes and thank you : ) I'm trying not to text her back and play. But If she says she wants to go now, do I let her - do I not, cause I think that will be telling her she can walk all over me, but if I don't have her come, more family drama .....round and round and round???????? ..all I know is I don't want to feel like I'm having to watch or worry about anyone except my kiddos!
I have enough to worry about trying to get into a bathing suit !!!! UGHHHHHH
And I love this::::
WHAT OTHERS THINK OF ME IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS
and
WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO....DO NOTHING....
swim...swim....swim.....all the way to the other side of the ocean.... lol
Louise... trying to do something nice is a good thing, even if it doesn't always work out.... I kept this "Anyway" poem, from way back (don't know who the author was, but it had something to do with Mother Teresa, I believe).... When we do things from a pure heart and intentions, it is never bad....
Tom
Anyway
People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered; Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies; Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, they may cheat you; Be forthright anyway. What you spent years building, they may destroy overnight; Build anyway. The good you do today, they often will forget tomorrow Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it will never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them, Anyway.
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
((((((((((((((((((((Mslouise))))))))))))))))))))))) I Believe You Answered your Own Question with this Line :0) WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO....DO NOTHING....
Enjoy Your Trip & Your Kiddo's.... Can't Change What Tomorrow Will Bring, but We CAN Change Right Now :)
When my family plays these sort of games with me. I just tell myself that the world is unfolding exactly as it should. If they are meant to be there with me, they will be there. If I am meant to go alone, that is how it should be. I find peace in knowing that the outcome of events is not my responsibility; it rests with our HP's.
Sorry your mom likes to stir the embers with gossip; so does mine. I haven't really figured that one out yet because no one, especially her child, tells mom who she can talk to or what she can say. (It doesn't matter how long I've been grown -- I'm always her child).
Have fun at the beach. What will be will be.
__________________
If you want things to be different, you have to do things differently.
Good for you for pretty much drawing the boundaries. Texting and email and IM can ALWAYS be tricky. They typically make bad situations worse. Because you cannot convey sincerity in a text. Maybe next time you can try to turn the passive conversation into a real conversation. It's easy to say "i didn't mean it like that" with a text even when it's clear to someone else they did. Face to face is usually good at being able to convey your feelings to her of genuinely wanting her to come, but it's good that you didn't try to beg her to come because if she DID end up feeling like a 3rd wheel it would be all your fault. Also maybe holding the conversation with her in the presence of your mother can prevent anybody from trying to split up the others, but life is 10% what happens to you and 90% your response to it. If you act like it's not a big deal, then they will end up seeing it is really not a big deal. Go and enjoy yourself and enjoy spending time with your child....these years don't last for long I'm told. Put your efforts into making a healthy family life between you, your child, your bf, and his nephew. Have fun and think of me because I SOOOOOOO need a vacation!!!!
I can empathize. It would really annoy me to have my sister act like that. My first thought would be: Instead of her always worrying about HER needs and being the third wheel, why not look at it as an opportunity to really get to know your boyfriend so she will never have to feel like she is not fitting in? She could use the whole trip as an opportunity to really get to know your boyfriend so that he would feel welcome in the family and there would be no more drama like this.
Aaaah if only the world and other people conformed to OUR plans :(
Time for my standby line about family: Your family knows how to push your buttons.....because they installed them.
..all I know is I don't want to feel like I'm having to watch or worry about anyone except my kiddos! 