The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband is recovering, which I've said before. I think alot of his drinking had to do more with his mental health problems....but then again it's like the question "which came first, the chicken or the egg?" Our relationship is ok. It's not all great and romantic like it used to be, but it's not constantly guilting the other one or fighting. He is my best friend, and that's exactly what I need. I did start to attend alanon first after his admission to being an alcoholic. Why did I stop? Yeah schedule probably is the reason -now- but I got out of the habbit because a couple months into working the program, my mom had a heart attack and died. I've been grieving and it will be a year for my husband for sobriety this month and a year since his suicide attempt that I witnessed (with a gun in his mouth), our 2 year anniversary in august, and the 1st anniversary of my mother's death in september. Then of course my mom's birthday was in July, and my parent's anniversary was a week ago and my birthday was on saturday. So really the summer sucks for me! This is not a "poor poor me" post though. I do see a counselor to help me deal with the traumatic issues with witnessing what my husband did, and to help grieve the death of my mother.
Tied along with the death of my mother is the fact that she was the main caregiver for my grandparents. I know people want me to fill her shoes, but I just can't. I just can't bring myself to do it. So, my uncle John has. He has been an alcoholic for many years. I don't know really when it started or when I noticed. I just know every holiday he has wine within reach. I know what my mom and dad and aunt have told me. I know the way he acts.
During the winter he had attempted to call me early in the morning. I leave my phone off during the night and morning because I get off work late and need sleep. When I woke up he had called but there was no voicemail and no text message, so I figured it wasn't important. He ended up calling me a bit later and I answered and he went off on me. He said "Grandpa called me and you're closer to them and he said that grandma was bleeding. Why didn't you answer my call?" I told him that I turn it off so nothing wakes me up. He told me straight out that this was stupid and I was stupid. There were other exchanges to the point that I was so angry I had hung up on him. I guess I didn't really realize it then. I felt like he was trying to be a parent, scolding a small child. I was very angry with the way he talked to me, and then for calling me stupid. He left a voice mail telling me to "man up." Making me feel as if everyone views me as selfish and ungreatful. He pointed out "these are the grandparents that payed for your college!" Which they did. So suddenly I did have guilt. Now that I'm trying to go back through and work some steps again. I'm trying to convience myself that I have no control over his actions. It just worries me as he has been taking care of my grandparents. When drunk he has become abusive with my aunt (which is also an ex crack user, or could still be using. we aren't that close and her drugs have not affected me like my uncle's using....is this possible?) Now, I don't feel that he has ever physically hurt my grandparents ever...but it scares me...if he would get drunk enough to slap or push my aunt....what else is he capable of if his drinking get's worse. I've contemplated back and forth on calling adult protective services...and the thing I'm most afraid of is that they will come in and stir everything up and then it makes things worse for my grandparents. Then I think about the first step...I am powerless over his alcohol use, but does this mean that I don't try and be proactive with protecting my grandparents? This is not the same as children that you can simply remove from the care of the alcoholic. These are grown adults. My grandma's mind is mostly there but her body is failing her and my grandpa is in pretty good physical health, but can't remember the most immediate past. They do still live at home, and there would be no way to put them into the care of professionals as I don't have power of attorney over them. The one that does is my alcoholic uncle. Even if I did have POA they would never go and they would think I was doing it to punish them. It's a rock and a hard place. I can understand letting go and putting it up to the HP, but sometimes things call for actions....
I am so sorry that you have experienced the loss of your mom along with the devastating emotions stirred up by living with the destructivel actions of alcoholism. Glad you have alanon and are reworking the steps. I have found that the steps and slogans are the key to my life
I do believe you will find the answer as to the appropriate actions regarding your Grandparents by: Talking to your sponsor, examining your motives and working a
4 th thru 9th step, on the topic.
I understand that caregiving for your Grandparents present a difficult issue so focus on yourself, pray about it and remember that if your uncle is removed as caregiver, someone else will need to fill that requirement.
Please return to your alanon meetings and keep coming back. It works if you work it
Dear kristi136188, I have been through the care-giving issue in my family. And am right now, as a matter of fact--though not in the crisis situation that you are.
You have so much on your plate right now. This is too much for you to think you can cope with as one individual alone. Since you are a psych nurse you will be more familiar with the system than the average person. I suggest that you get the services of a geriatric social worker to guide you.
I found that getting a professional on board was essential. If you do need help in finding this---don"t hesitate coming to this board and asking for help. There is a great pool of experience and knowledge here. You just have to be specific in asking for it. I think one of the things that families do most often do is not to seek help sooner.
Kristi, I know you feel the world on your shoulders right now.
Thank you everyone. I do know what agency to contact (adult protective services) and I work with social workers and even they find it hard to tell me what to do...I know that it will change my grandparent's world all around. They need consistancy right now since my grandpa's mind is failing and my grandma is still grieving over my mom. I wish i did have a sponsor, but as of right now I am without one. But i know I need to work the steps with keeping my situation in mind and praying and meditating. I was reading my hope for today again and i came across alot of passages telling me "to change the way you look at things," and that's what I need to do. Change the way I'm viewing my bad luck of late. I need to leave it up to HP and try to focus on the things I can do and can control. Thank you all for the support!!!
