AlAnon etiquette - Al-Anon Family Group

alexmaui · Veteran Member

AlAnon etiquette

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't see that being an issue. I think it's more about if you are out in a public setting and someone asks how did you meet blurting out we met in Alanon to someone would be inappropriate .. kwim? Why not just ask her how she wants to handle the situation? Maybe she draws a fine line between meetings and personal life. There are many people who's spouses don't know they even attend meetings. I would just see what she wants to do and take it from there.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

For me what I do when I see members of the program in places outside my group I usually wink at them as I pass them by and say hi how are you. Because of the traditions 11 and 12 I never presume that it is o.k. to have a program conversation outside the rooms. I just don't know if it is o.k. with that person as I never really know if they are alone or in the company of someone for whom it is not safe to acknowledge the program.

I know with my close friends in the program whether or not it is o.k. to acknowledge them outside the Alanon room. I always err on the side of caution on this because when I was relatively new I clung tight to the 11th and 12th tradition because I was really afraid that it would get back to my AH qualifier.

Today it is different as my AH really encourages me to go to meetings and hold service positions. I often am asked to tell my story several times a year and he so kindly watches the children as I go out and share my E,S, and H. So, personal anonymity is not as important to me today as it was in the beginning.

Each person has different reasons for anonymity. For me, I think I would like it best if someone approached me after the meeting and asked whether or not I would mind talking should we run into to each other in social settings.

Hope that helps.

TC

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

We have a saying in our group - whom you see here, what you hear here, when you leave here, let it stay here. This means that whoever I saw and whatever I heard should stay in the room. When someone asks how I know a program friend, I just say that we have mutual friends and leave it at that. If I see a person in the program at the grocery store, I just smile and say hi. The anonymity of the program gives us confidence to say what is really on our minds and hearts.

If you meet a program friend to discuss program stuff one on one, that's a different story. But if you're just seeing each other in passing, I think that keeping the anonymity is part of the traditions.

Just my .02.

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,
I have met friends from the program at the grocery store, sometimes with children in tow, and I always just say "hi". I have had other people ask me how I know someone sometimes. I tell them I know them from "church"....one of our meetings is in a church basement. Sometimes I can say, "I just don't remember how we first met" and leave it at that. One time I was at a wedding reception and the grandmother of the bride was the sister of the lady I knew from the program. She was relentless in asking how we knew eachother. Neither of us ever let her know. We had a good chuckle over that.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Yikes, i better qualify what I meant. lol. I live in a small community the chances of running into someone is very high, it could be in the weirdest place. The weirdest feeling was running into someone who happened to start working at my old job. The reason I even knew was she happened to wear a name badge from work into the meeting. I waited a few meetings and let her know yes I did used to work there, she was sharing things I could oh so relate to at that job. She didn't know I still keep in contact with a couple of people and so on. I got an odd phone call from one of the gals I still stay in contact with saying I didn't know you knew so and so. I totally made something up said we happened to start talking one day. Totally true statement just left out the particulars of alanon for the exact reason stated. The bizzaro part to me was it was the the group gal who brought up we knew each other. She might have been feeling out the other gal to see if I said something which again, goes against the purpose of alanon and something I would choose not to do to someone else. Anyway, those kinds of situations I would acknowledge someone and move on. I read the original post and thought you guys spoke outside of alanon anyway, if that was the case I would just ask the person. Being in therapy as long as I have off and on, it is a discussion I have had with past therapists. How do I want to be approached do I and so on. In my mind it would be a natural coarse of action considering you guys do frequently run into each other, just respect what she has to offer as far as does she want a relationship outside of alanon or not.

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