Yes, it is harder too to not go down with them. But please you still have life. I feed the birds and mammals all the time, write down all the kinds I see and read about them.

hawaiilover · Senior Member

Newcomer to this site

Otie · Senior Member

Dear Hawaiilover, I don't know much about your particular circumstance (except what you just said). But as a person who has had to face this kind of difficult decision about how much of my self to invest in another person---I believe that there is one guiding principle to keep in mind. "To thy own self be true". Never walk out on your self---there is no recourse from that action.

I am sharing with you the thoughts that guided me.

Most sincerely, Otie

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Hawaii,

I am so glad you came here. This is a wonderful place in addition to face to face meetings. I was wondering since you have attended meetings for so long, is it possible to get together with some of the women outside the meeting for fellowship and comfort. I myself have joined step studies/ BB studies outside of my group at someones home. It is just like a meeting and I found myself in the fellowship of people who are on the same spiritual walk as I am. It keeps me stronger and especially with the principals of detachment with love, boundaries, powerlessness, keeping the focus on myself etc.

Keep Coming Back.
TC

hawaiilover · Senior Member

@Ottie-thank you for the words of wisdom. I will keep that in mind from this day forward. I am by nature a nurturer and I need to set boundaries. Keeping the focus on me requires more work on my part. Glad to be here and love the sharing here as well. God bless u.

@Tommy-thank you for your encouraging words and suggestions. I used to fellowship with others after the meeting and it was helpful. We did as a group for years. Then it stopped. I will reach out to a friend or two and invite them for coffee. It is a great idea that I need to revisit. God bless you and I will keep coming back.

I appreciate the unconditional love and thank you.

Hawaiilover

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Good to meet you H lover. I agree,meetings are wonderful and add on literature, this place etc. We are right in your home!

(lemonade and watermelon please! ) (c:

My now ex AH was on in years too. Been involved 40 years. I sure know the feeling. I know I just got so tired, worn out from it all. be ez to just sit back and slug around.

I still practice loving him but hating the A disease behavior. No bitteness against him as it is his disease and brain damage that tore us and everything apart.

Had there been even a bit of him left I would still have some kind of relationship with him.

Yes, it is harder too to not go down with them. But please you still have life. I feed the birds and mammals all the time, write down all the kinds I see and read about them.

Make sure I put healthy things in my body as stress is poison on us.

If you can walk,even short walks help.

Saying you may be right, oh I never thought of it that way, no engaging in the insanity helps. I think of it as if he had brain cancer or altzheimers, and just play along. It's not competition.

Sadly I don't get to live with mine as he got horribley physically abusive after a brain surgery.

Would love to hear wha!t you have learned in your years in Al Anon!

(((((Hawaiilover))))) Love,debilyn

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,
Keep on taking care of yourself. My AH also got throat cancer after he was sober and in AA for 7 years. That was 4 years ago. He is still here. I got myself through his treatment by keeping the tools of AlAnon close to me. When he got more needy, I had to stop and think what really was best for him while remembering what was best for me. Detachment was the best tool.

He was quick to ask for help and want me to "do" for him. I, by nature, wanted to "do" for him and had to hold myself back and force him to handle it. I would be at his side, but not "doing", only supporting his doing it for himself. As your AH gets older and sicker you are going to be asked to do more and more....from him, his family, social services, neighbors, yourself. Evaluate carefully.

I am a Hawaii Lover too!!!!

-- Edited by maryjane on Sunday 19th of June 2011 06:45:36 PM

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome and HUGS Hawaiilover,

I'm glad you found MIP. The members here have tons of ES&H and share freely from their heart. This board has been a tremendous plus for my program.

Keep coming back and share your ES&H with others. Again welcome.

HUGS,
RLC

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello!

Welcome to this board!

I've been divorced for exactly 1 year this month to an alcoholic. We were married for 36 years. Unfortunately, I was reluctant to go to Al-Anon for too many years. I have just begun attending meetings in March. It has made a tremendous difference in my life.

My ex is currently in rehab, just completed his 3rd week. The first week was very difficult; however, I am happy to report that he has turned around almost 180 degrees. It's his 3rd try at rehab in 3 years. For the first time EVER, he is acknolwedging how his behaviors have affected others, not just him.

I certainly understand having to protect yourself. It's painful, I know. You want to protect him as well. But only he can protect himself.

Just this evening while visiting him at the facility, he stated that he understood why I divorced him. I didn't ask him to elaborate. He said enough for now.

I hope you stick around and share with us.

Gail

hawaiilover · Senior Member

@ Gail, I am sorry to hear about your divorce after 36 yrs of marriage. I can imagine how difficult it was to take that step. Unfortunately, this disease takes us to a level beyond our understanding. I hope your Ex H gets the help he needs now.

Let me share that the times my AH went to rehab, I was the one who initiated everything. This was before Alanon, of course. He has been to various rehab programs because I wanted sobriety for him. Since I joined Alanon, I've learned that he has to want recovery for himself. Well, to date, he has no recovery. He has no intention in getting recovery. The drinking is progressive. He is unstable, very unstable. Sending you hugs and more hugs.

@ RLC, thank you for your encouragement. I plan to stick around. Alanon is my life and cannot live without it. I don't do well with people without program. I need to be around the rooms of recovery. Sending hugs to you.

@ Maryjane, sorry to hear about your husband's throat cancer. It must be very challenging to deal with his illness as well as his disease. I am glad you are putting yourself first. Thanks for your encouragement. I am doing my best to stay positive and strong. It is a daily challenge because the drinking is very much alive in my life. Glad to have found this forum to use in between meetings. Sending you lots of hugs.

@ Debilyn, sorry to hear about your loss. You mentioned 40 years-that is a long time. It is amazing how this disease just tear families apart. I am being challenged now also. My husband is much older now. His disease is progressing to a level that I can't stand. He has no program. He has no desire to get a program. We have talked about it. He tells me he can handle it. What I do know today - if my A wants recovery, he has to seek it. He works at a place where they offer recovery. I am surprised his superiors have not noticed his drinking habits. I've been very supportive of him for 36 years. I've done ALL I can do to support him emotionally and psychologically. Now, I am tired and need to put the focus on ME. I want to live my life for ME. Only I can make myself happy.

I have learned to go "solo". I go to church, dinner, beach, and other places alone and sometimes with friends and other family members. Most of the time, I want to be alone so I can think and meditate and reflect.

Alanon is a lifestyle that I need for as long as I live. I have a sponsor who is loving and supportive of me. We live close to each other. I have my emergency money. My suitcase is ready in case I need to escape. I keep coming back for more wisdom.

Blessings to all. Have a nice week.

Hugs to all. HL

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Yes, it is harder too to not go down with them. But please you still have life. I feed the birds and mammals all the time, write down all the kinds I see and read about them.

Make sure I put healthy things in my body as stress is poison on us.

If you can walk,even short walks help.

Saying you may be right, oh I never thought of it that way, no engaging in the insanity helps. I think of it as if he had brain cancer or altzheimers, and just play along. It's not competition.

Sadly I don't get to live with mine as he got horribley physically abusive after a brain surgery.

Would love to hear wha!t you have learned in your years in Al Anon!

(((((Hawaiilover))))) Love,debilyn