Newbie kind of - Al-Anon Family Group

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Newbie kind of

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

I've found for me that getting to different meetings is helpful in many ways. I meet new people, hear new perspectives, and each group really has it's own sort of "vibe" that's unique - even if a lot of the same people attend those many different meetings.

I was turned down the first time I asked someone if they could be my sponsor. She was actually a bit visibly spooked by it - and I know it wasn't because of a reaction to me, it was an internal thing where she wasn't sure of herself. Turned out fine, however. I paused for a while and then eventually asked another person to be my sponsor, who, as it turned out, happened to be the sponsor of the first person I asked to be my sponsor, so it was really clear I was drawn to the recovery that was being displayed by my sponsor and her sponsee.

It's been mentioned in a couple other posts, but there's a pamphlet called "Sponsorship, what it's all about" that you may find helpful. It's free and usually most WSO registered groups will have it available.

One passage from it says: "Asking someone to be our Sponsor is part of our own personal recovery in Al-Anon or Alateen. Being too shy or too proud to do so could mean the difference between finding a new life in the program or returning to misery and loneliness. We look for someone who 'has what we want' and with whom we feel comfortable. It helps to choose someone who is committed to using the program in their own life. Ultimately, a Sponsor relationship is one of choice; we feel comfortable with a particular member, and ask that person to act as a Sponsor."

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I have noticed in my life that all groups, schools, police dept, stores whatever have a different atmosphere.

It's very ok to go to different meetings until you find your spot! Some people go to more than one group also. You just walk in!

I am not sure how a sponsor works. Myself they gave me numbers to call them. I am thinking in time you will find who may want to.

Or I don't know if it is wrong to say I would like to find a sponsor in your share. Myself I would go awhile and see who fits.

I didn't understand the part about the kids. But I can say great for you for wanting to be well!! Also NO YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. I am not kidding I would say most A's use that! I called my counselor from the grocery store pay phone in the middle of getting groceries to ask if I was crazy!

I did not have Al Anon then.

Whether he is sober, on program, drinking whatever it does not matter. He is an adult and can make his own decisions, and guess what?! So can you! Their diseased behavior tears us down. Sometimes we wake up, and KNOW hey this is NOT cool!

So we stop engaging or doing anything for them. I quit doing is wash, making him food, kissing him, everything.

I am divorced from him now. He is not the wonderful boy to man I always knew.

We build on ourselves. What do you like to do? What do you like to eat? Do you enjoy your kiddo's? Do you need new underwear? I swear we moms have to break out of this thing that we only cloth our kids!

Its ok and important to baby us too! Take care of ourself, give us what we need.I am an adult I don't have to listen to anyone anymore. Not that I ever did haha.

His stuff is his own, we don't have to own it or react to it or help him with it.

We did not cause it, we cannot control it nor can we cure it!

I am glad you are here. I sure hope you keep coming. (c: love,debilyn

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

@Aloha, thanks that makes me feel better to know someone else has had to deal with the rejection stuff and it's all good. I will have to check out the pamphlet about sponsors I'm sure I must have it. I have zero social skills at times, I know the mechanics however do terrible face to face with stuff. I've been reading all of my alanon books as well as "How Alanon Works". Lots of writing and then just not pushing to hard if I am not ready. There are about 2 other books I have open as well on co-dependency and counter-dependency. All good stuff. I know I need to work through specific steps with someone else so I can get feedback. I am debating about going to private therapy through my AH's work. They have a decent program. At least there is someone there who I know I could talk to with some of it. We are in a small town so the meetings are limited and not big. I will try another one. Thank you for your feedback.

@Debilyn, there is so much emotion going on in my head at the moment it doesn't all transfer from my brain to the page and rehashing just the last year proves to be more frustrating than anything else. It's been a rough 3 years around here, some drinking issues and many in-law issues, 2 sets and now a new step mother. I'm not sure I am grateful for the fact my FIL is out of country. I think the drinking issues would be bigger if he was in town. Lots of alcoholic/co-dependent behavior on both sides of the equation. You are so right his sobriety is his issue not mine. My kids are pretty young I have a pre-teen who is 12 (girl) and a little guy who is 7. I just want to know in my heart that no matter what or how imperfectly I do it, I am truly doing the best I can by them. I want them to understand they have choices in how they react to life situations. No matter what we will get them the support they deserve or need at any given time. I know to do that I have to have my head on straight or straighter than it has been for a while. Some days are easier than others, and finding my voice and emotions that are numbed out and have been for a while has been an overwhelming process. Thank you for your feed back, I am looking forward to being part of the group. :)

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Pushka,

In my second go around which landed me back into the rooms of Alanon, I was in so much pain I was ready to be sponsored. I asked six people and I was turned down each and every time. I grew up not knowing boundaries and never said no to any request. I had no idea a person could and would say no. Needless to say, with losing my voice because I did not have the courage to speak in meetings, being isolated and alone, I was very much afraid to break into the social circles after the meeting. I would stand around and wait for someone to speak to me which after a few minutes, I felt like a fool. So I left and cried down the hallway and all the way back to my car.

As for the sponsorship, being rejected so many times really hurt. I felt like the biggest freak, that Alanon could not handle me. For me I was already sensitive crying and blubbering for weeks on end in front of a group of strange people. I kept going to meetings because it was the only place I felt safe and comfortable for a hour in my day. I did reach out to that 7th person and asked them to be my "temporary sponsor" to which they replied yes. This person has been my temporary sponsor for years now. I knew I was so sick and badly affected by the family disease of alcoholism which was the fuel that gave me the courage to keep on with asking. I have said in other posts that my sponsor before we got started asked that I get the pamplet on Sponsorship before our first meeting. It really clarified many things for me. I hope it will for you too.

As for the rejection. As a result of working the steps in Alanon with my loving sponsor, I know today GOD HAS PERFECT TIMING. He put the right woman in my path to be my sponsor when I was really ready. Incidentally, this woman was in the same meetings years before and I admired her recovery but was too scared to ask anyone for help. I would just attend meetings to get the relief, but had no idea what the other side "recovery" was.

Keep up the good work. Keep trying. There is a quote from Courage to Change that has always been particularly meaningful to me. I believe it is in the thought for today section that says "When the student is ready, the teacher appears"

Best of luck to you.

TC

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

@tommy, thank you! thank you! thank you! can I say thank you again?? lol? The social circle thing is exactly what I do, I keep waiting for someone to approach me. I don't have the crying so much, I am on the other end of the spectrum. I cry very seldom however when I do it's always in private. The hardest step for me was when I picked up the phone and actually cried on the alanon hot line and didn't feel foolish. Truthfully, I was just tired of crying alone. I grew up and the answer I perceived was always no. Finding the yes was the difficult thing and when someone did finally say yes, I really don't believe them. How ironic. I was to young the first time I passed into alanon (I wasn't ready for what I heard) and the past time I was just in to much pain, it's actually a bit of an oxymoron in many ways. I was in so much pain I just hadn't hit my bottom when it came to getting help for me. I kept expecting something to fix my situation. This last time to alanon is all about me as far as my mental well being. So I am much more motivated and have taken things a lot slower. I just keep hitting the wall with the social stuff. I know that is my issue with intimacy with anyone. There's an obvious reason I have picked men who were just totally emotionally unavailable because it means I don't have to be emotionally available either! I self destruct the friendships that could be life long friendships and have always taken the attitude that these were in passing nothing permanent. It was totally safe and truthfully I now want more from all of my relationships, family, friends, co-workers.

I just am going to cling to the courage to keep going and continuing my growth and allowing God to guide me. There are two other meetings and one is tonight. I am going to go and see where things go from there, many people from the other meeting go to this one. I may call and see if they meet somewhere before, I don't know if I have that much courage .. it kind of comes and goes. lol, knocking knees and butterflies in the pit of my stomach, if I just go to the meeting I can call the next time. One step at a time.

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,

I went to different meetings for over a year before I found a sponsor. I was told to "listen for someone who has what you want." One evening at a meeting, after a share, I just knew. She had been in the program for a number of years, but new to town and that meeting. I just walked up to her and asked, and she said yes. If I had thought about it more, I may not have done it. In terms of being rejected, I can say this... if someone were to ask me to be a sponsor right now, I would say "no". I feel that I in no way have enough recovery, nor time in the program to properly be a sponsor for someone else. Its an important role, and you want the right person. If you keep your ears open, you will find one when the time is right.

I'm glad you are getting the courage to keep on going. It gets easier, especially when you realize how much better you feel after. Its okay if you don't talk. When you are ready you will.

Glad you are here,

Lou

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

I now make a point to introduce myself to newcomers after each meeting so that they have a familar face in the room. I want to make everyone feel like they are welcome and wanted into my homegroup because it is so very difficult to reach out when you are new.

I am so glad my experience helped you and perhaps others. Funny that you talked about crying. I myself have never been one to shed a tear. I think being in the rooms did something to me. I tried to hold things together for so long I could no longer pull it together. My outsides started to look like my insides, a heaping hot mess. I feel that it was the sense of being safe and amongst people that understood what I was going through that led me to an emotional break through.

I recently was in a meeting when a new member shared how hard it was to talk during discussion meetings because they feel intimidated by the strength of the group. They further added if some of the women would stay after the meeting to talk with them so they could get to know us better. So many of us stuck around, invited her to lunch, and gave her the warmest welcome we could.

Keep trying. I think you are doing a great job opening up and doing something different. As the saying goes, when you do something different, you get different results. :)

xoxox

Tommye

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.