The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I live in NYC with my AH of 14 months. He is seeking treatment via IOP and by attending meetings. He works sporadically and I pay most of the bills. I am a lawyer and very very busy - small office, not a lot of people to talk to. I've started going back to church and attend al anon twice a week but I still feel isolated. I used to have a very active social life - playing pool competitively (although amateur) 2 or 3 nights a week and getting together with my girlfriends. I met my husband playing pool. My husband began his recovery 5 months after we got married. On the advice of my psychiatrist, I quit the pool teams, stopped the casual drinking myself and abstain from going to bars or participating in events that involve drinking. Needless to say, the invitations to socialize have dried up. I don't know how to meet friends, I don't know what to do with myself. My husband doesn't have any friends left either because most of his friends were addicts as well. He has no family in NY and relies on me for all of his companionship. I am trying to be kind, thoughtful, generous, loving and respectful but I am starting to feel smothered, bored and like I am sacrificing too much of myself. I'm having a hard time reconciling this vast change in my life with the desires that I have to go out and enjoy myself. I honestly don't know what to do with myself anymore. My AH keeps thinking that I am angry with him, or frustrated with him and I'm trying very hard not to be, reminding myself frequently of how hard he is working on his recovery and how much he has had to sacrifice as well. I feel like I have to figure out something to do soon though. I don't even have anyone to call to go for a walk in the park with and I'm getting very tired of being alone but also tired of also being with him. We do not have children, all I have is work to distract me. I am vert lonely. Any suggestions? Thanks so very very much.
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--Mare
Grateful member of Al Anon
"Live in and for the day, each and every day, starting right now."
Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D., "Marriage on the Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and
an Alcoholic."
Hi and welcome. I walk my dog to get out of the house, but not sure with a busy work schedule if you could deal with a pet. I like to go to meetings, church, the library and parks when I get stir crazy. I don't have a lot of friends, but I do have a sponsor who I can always call. It was very hard for me too when i stopped going to bars and lost quite a few of my old friends, but as I reached and got out more and more I am making new ones now. How many meetings are in your area when you have free time and do you have a library within walking distance? I am sending you love and support. This board is full of very insightful people and others will be able to give ideas of what they did too.
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
I usually attend noon meetings during the week. On the weekends I attend morning meetings at two different groups and ask the women in the fellowship if they are going out for coffee or breakfast after the meeting. I count on that time because I need the strength of the of the women in the program. It's the meeting after the meeting. I think what attracts me is the laughter, acceptance and warmth of the fellowship. It carries me through the weekend.
I too was so isolated when I entered into the Alanon program. I already felt like a failure, isolated and alone. I would stand around after the meeting waiting to break into the social circles for someone to talk to me. I was too shy, alone to find the strength of my own voice to reach out to someone. We had no friends for many reasons one of them being the extremes of my loved ones drinking were so embarassing in public amongst friends. I myself was a controlling bossy hot mess, no fun to be around. The women in Alanon got that, because I think they lived it too.
You did not say if you had a sponsor in the program. I think for me building a trusting relationship began there. I had lunch with my sponsor once a week (still do) and called her twice - three times a week just because. I drew very close to her and she taught me by example how to reach out to others and begin having fun and creating relationships again. Having someone there helps me to be accountable and stay in the center of my program.
We are here for you to listen if you will. Please keep posting. I get so much from you and others here each and every day.
Thanks folks - I completely relate to not knowing how to approach people. I have been asking around for a couple of months about getting a sponsor but to no avail. I'll keep trying! Grateful for your feedback.
__________________
--Mare
Grateful member of Al Anon
"Live in and for the day, each and every day, starting right now."
Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D., "Marriage on the Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and
an Alcoholic."
Today I like and love myself...I learned that in the program. I know how to nurture myself and learned that in Al-Anon also after not knowing anything about that, what it mean't or why it was important. I broke with all things alcohol which included my family of origin and my past alcoholic/addict wife because that is mostly what my life was made up with. I thought my life the ways it was was the way it was supposed to be and I didn't know anything else. That was normal for me including like yourself going to the pool hall to play and make money. I use to worry "what is going to become of me and my life if and when I gave it all up and honestly today I have learned that I didn't "need" a life with soooo much drama, noise, running around being busy. I got my peace of mind and serenity in Al-Anon by turning around to focus on me and what I needed in my life rather than wanted and was addicted to. The way I use to live left me no time for life to be with myself and I was always distracted by stuff outside of myself which is what I thought was all I was supposed to be and expected of me. NOT!! My life today is serene. I have everything I need and nothing I don't need except what can be gotten rid of in a one day good garage sale. I'm never lonely because my HP is here; always and I'm here for me too. The people I love are here at times that they want to be and allow me to be there when I want to...Stress has been replaced by serenity and peace.
Take sometime out to go to a "meeting after the meeting" with the fellowship...I use to have a blast doing that. 15 or so of us use to hit local restaurants and munch and talk or we use to do our meetings in parks and have lunch and games with it. I wouldn't feel very good trying to scoop some bucks off of them at a pool table. LOL
Keep coming back...Good luck with the program and prayers for you and your hubby. ((((hugs))))
