wanting the start to a new beginning - Al-Anon Family Group

hopeful411 · Member

wanting the start to a new beginning

lifewontwait · Member

Hi hopefull,

Watching the person you love slowly commit suicide is a horrible experience. Realizing that you're helpless to stop it but obsessively wishing that you could stop it just makes the feelings even more painful and causes an unhealthy co-dependent relationship to manifest or worsen.

There is hope though. The first step of Al-Anon says "We admitted we were powerless over alcoholthat our lives had become unmanageable." By admitting / accepting this, we no longer have the heavy and impossible burden of curing the alcoholic. It is simply not within our power. If it were, there would be no AA or Al-Anon.

Your counselor's advice for you to attend meetings is definitely a voice of reason in the storm that you're currently in. Being around people who share the same experience as you and understand you as no one else can is a powerful and comforting gift that you should give to yourself.

I hope you keep coming back here and reading / posting, and I hope you find a Face 2 Face meeting to attend.

Take care and be kind to yourself,

LWW

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

hopeful, welcome to MIP-I'm so glad you found this place. This is the perfect place to start your new beginning. I too felt hopeless when I first came here. But since then I've learned so much. As lifewontwait said-the first step is admitting we are powerless over alcohol. That took a while for me but I finally ¨got it¨ and it was like a tremendous load was lifted from my shoulders. Another thing that helped me was the three Cs- when it came to my A's drinking- I didn't CAUSE it, I can't CONTROL, I can't CURE it. I hope you will attend alanon meetings as your counselor has encouraged. I think you would find it very beneficial. You're not alone. And I hope you keep coming back here.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

How do you? Ya don't.

Al Anon will help YOU so much. We learn so many truths about your situation, help with how to live with it.

We can do nothing for the A. Yours is an adult, has his right to choose like anyone else. We can't do anything for them anyway and if we try it makes it worse.

You have tried your best and you know it is not working. So now we share other ways!

YES meetings, at the bottom of my post here you will see a site and number to contact to find a meeting near you. There are meetings here also.

"Getting Them Sober," volume one by Toby Rice Drew is an excellent book to start on. Ask anything you need to here.

We can lean how to just love the person, and know his actions are the symptoms of the disease. We cannot control them so we learn not to try.

Your counselor is so right. Al Anon is what you need. The A's disease is the primary problem!

Its a horrible disease, not curable. It has ups and downs and backwards in its wake.

So hope you will come back, give it time! Practice the skills. First is knowing it is none of our business, again we cannot control them anyway.

Love!!! debilyn

hopeful411 · Member

thank you all for your encouraging words! i am excited and scared all in one. My ab makes promises to get help then breaks them. he is a wonderful father to our three year old son. Has a great job. he is not an everyday drinker. there is no moderation when it occurs though. It has led to many run ins with the law put him in financial ruins. i try to talk about it with him but he just says its who he is we deserve better. breaks my heart because its not who he is its what the alcohol makes him become. He is often depressed and suicidal i often fear the unknown. I hope i can learn and find the courage to make the right decisions not only for myself but for my son.

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello, and welcome!

The answer to "how do I help" sucked when someone first told me: you can't help. That was not what I wanted to hear. I wanted the A's in my life to stop drinking and get sober and get healthy. What was so wrong with wanting to help them get there??

Over time, I learned that what I might want for someone is not the same as what that person wants for himself. Even if my motives are good and I want something good for another person, it's not my right to make someone do what I have determined is right. Maybe what I have determined to be RIGHT works for me, but not someone else. I spent a lot of time arranging my life so that my AH couldn't drink. Or so I thought. I'd pretty much glue myself to his side, knowing that he wouldn't dare drink while I was watching him because he didn't like it when I screamed at him. Low and behold, that didn't work. I don't know when he drank, but I know THAT he drank. No matter how much arranging I did, it didn't do any good. I was tired and hopeless because everything I tried hadn't helped a bit. My own needs and the needs of my child were put aside while I focused my entire existence on my AH. When I was able to accept that my AH's alcoholism was nothing I could change or fix, and accepted that nothing I did or didn't do was going to have any effect whatsoever on making him stop, the acceptance freed up a lot of time for me. What worked for me was putting this time to good use doing recovery related activities ... going to meetings, talking to program friends, reading about alcoholism, reading these boards, etc. The change in my life has been tremendous.

I understand about promises made by an active A. My AH made them, too. I would always get hurt and sad when he broke them, because I'd feel like he had done something to wrong me. When I began to understand that alcoholism was a disease, I began to understand that he was powerless over drinking - the same way I was powerless over him. I know my AH was sincere when he made promises. I had to understand that it had nothing to do with sincerity and nothing to do with me at all when he broke them. He was sick - he couldn't even keep promises to himself not to drink.

What worked for me was consciously putting the focus back on myself when I found myself obsessing about what HE was doing. As Canadian Guy says here, he's going to drink or he's not. What are you going to do?

Keep coming back!

hopeful411 · Member

THANK YOU really helps to hear you all have gone through this. THe A's have no idea what an impact this is and what a toll it takes on your life....well mine has no idea he gets defensive about me educating myself or doesnt like the idea of me going to a meeting....but if i am powerless over him and nothing i do or say will stop him or mak him get help then dangit i will try and make myself better... and better understand the disease.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.