The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AS was lashing out last night when he can't get what he wants from me, telling me that I didn't raise him right and that is why his life is in the tank now.
I know that he was loved, cared for, we were not perfect (he was our first child), we were young and viewed life in a very simple way.
I know how they talk, nothing is EVER their doing, my head knows that, but I wish my heart could know too.
We all do the best we can with what we have at the time. Your a mother and I can tell from your post your heart is in the right place. Cruel words hurt especially when they come from a son you only want the best for. I have heard women say in my f2f to face meeting that they can divorce their husbands, but they can't divorce their son. True words. Take heart that the words your son used are not coming from your son, they are coming from a disease that has taken over his mind, body, and spirit. His disease was talking, not the son you raised and love. It's important to sepearte the two. His disease is blaming you for his problems, his disease is in control, and the disease always blames the one it's closest to.
The old saying the "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me", are not always true. Many times they do hurt. We are human. Keep working your program. Trust in HP that your son will find his way. It's understanable that your heart and head are having a conflict. Your heart is in the right place, but your head knows the truth.
(((((Dreams)))) oh it's such a stab to the heart, isn't it? But you know it's the disease talking. Your son knows he's loved and cared for....I know when my son lashes out it's shame and hatred of himself that is at the root of it.
My Ason over the years had never been abusive, but sadly it's now creeping in. I only have sporadic (phone) contact with him these day' but if anything unacceptable occurs I remember the 3c's and that it's the disease talking. If afterwards I get him in a (now rare) lucid moment I will tell him how I'm affected by his actions, not to shame or blame, but to make him accountable for his actions. He of course never has any memory of what's occurred...but thats no excuse not to make him aware of his insane actions.
We've currently had a week of chaos with him and last night when he phoned it was to apologise and follow this up by saying it would be better for everyone if he just slit his throat and ended it all. Ignored that one....this time....but if he comes out with it again I'll be reporting it to the appropriate people. He finished off the conversation by telling me a very funny joke.....it's all insane!
For me, self-doubt is part of my dis-ease. The dis-ease loves to separate me from Higher power. I have to stand vigilant to my thoughts which is not always easy - especially when it all seems so convincing... someone actually telling me "I am not enough" and "I did not do enough."
It's harmless... until I start believing it.
Thanks to some time in recovery, today there is a "gladlee advocate" in me now. I no longer let anyone dictate to me how to think or feel anymore, like I did in the past. Today I ask myself, "IS THAT TRUE?" to such statements.
You already know you did your best... we all are. Everyone is doing the best they can, even the alcoholic laying in the gutter, right?
When I visit with my son, I know the chances are good I'm going to be talking to the disease... and reality will get distorted every time. If I am spiritually fit, I won't get emotionally hooked. This is why it is soooo important for me to constantly work my program because it doesn't seem to matter what package is delivered on any given day.... I will constantly be given another opportunity, day after day..... to make a decision, a choice..... to do what I have always done..... or to practice something different, to stand strong and stay calm with Higher power. I didn't know HOW to practice anything different in the past. Thanks to the rooms of recovery, today I do.
-- Edited by glad lee on Friday 17th of June 2011 07:26:45 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Dear DreamsOver, as a mother, myself, I so identify with how our children can cut us to the core with their words/actions even if they don't mean them. It still hurts. As RLC reminded us, we can divorce others or wipe them from our lives if necessary---but, there is no wiping the child from a loving mother's heart. The age doesn't matter, their misdeeds don't cancel it out.
The future hasn't happened. Hope and faith.
My dearest DreamsOver, I know that every mother on this board with the same situation knows exactly how you are feeling.
((((DreamsOver)))) I am not a mother so can't exactly relate to your share. Although I know what it's like to hear hurtful words from someone you love, it must be so much harder when that person is your child. Since I have no esh to share I'm just sending you hugs and love.
I hear you and know the pain and sadness. I too felt like I had made mistakes and failed with my son
. My sponsor had me work a 4 - 9 Step on the subject and It was very powerful. . After I had completed the process, I was restored to sanity. I had the understanding that I indeed made mistakes as a parent, as all parents do. I was human. Most important was that I loved and cared for him and that was enough. When he began his tirade I would simply validate myself as being a loving parent and that everyone must find their own way when they become an adult
The pain of his words no longer reached me and the most remarkable thing happened he stopped doing it
You are a loving parent who did a great job We are not perfect and you did fine
This is a disease!!!You did not cause, cannnot control and cannot cure.
Keeping sharing it helps
-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 17th of June 2011 09:11:30 AM
Thank you for the post. I really needed to hear it this morning. I have to get to work, so no time to post all i would like to, but I just want to let you know I understand, and am in the trenches with you. I have made mistakes. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. Oh well. At some point, my son needs to deal with it , and move on and take responsibility for himself. Unfortunately, as long as we have any contact he will have me to blame. Being that he is not quite 18, it is going to be awhile. Thus, I am going to really try to up my meetings and contact with program people who have been there. My approach this week is "10 words or less", and directly to the point. That bugs him cause it makes it hard to argue ;) and really helps me feel better about my interactions.
And on we go...
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
