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Hi..... New to this forum, or any forum.. But recognizing I do need folks I can relate and talk to.. desperately..
First let me start by saying I am an adult child of an alcoholic who is engaged to a 1 yr recovering alcohlic. I grew up as the "peace maker/doer" and still seem to hold that role these days.. unfortunately... I have been to a few face to face al-anon meetings but havent really connected with any of them... Im still seeking and trying...
I've read two things today after another confrontation yesterday (not on my part.. remember Im the peacemaker..).. I seek information apparently when things arent all "happy days".. First thing I read was characteristics of a "dry drunk".... WOW... and I agree it can be more painful dealing with this personality than a drinking drunk.. At least you feel you have something to pin point the reasoning for the garble talk that comes outta their faces when they want to oozze their ugly self centered, UNempathetic reasonings on you.. (aaahh that felt kind of good..??) ok not so much.. Second thing I read was "we teach them how to treat us"...... WOW and WOW... I feel that.. I understand that... But.... I dont know how to CHANGE that... I am after all the peacemaker...
So that being said... I want to stop hurting myself... after all isnt that what I am doing..?? I am allowing this man, who I do love, to belittle me with his superior attitudes, crush my trust with his hardening words, and leave me feeling speechless as to WHY after two or three weeks of the partner I see in him to be, he can turn into a JERKLE of a HYDE.. and be so UNempathetic to the sadness it brings me.. I literally stare at the outrageousness, and my emotions get the best of me.. my heart breaks.. and he doesnt care... only makes him more mad... he leaves.. pretends the world is perfect to the outside world and then will then return to say that once again he handled the situation wrong and he is sorry for hurting my feelings...with an almost blaming conotation to his voice... so naturally it doesnt mean anything to me anymore....
how do I project, what do I project, so this cycle ceases...? I do not deserve to be on this seasaw.. In my mind, if he truly loved me, he wouldnt treat me this way....
First of all welcome!!! I joined a few days ago myself and the way you are feeling now I felt the exact same way 3 years ago when my husband came home from rehab. It seemed though as he was worse than when he was drinking and I felt like he was a little meaner as well. The second thing is you can not change him in any way he is going to do whatever he wants reguardless of what you say or do. I try to remember the 3 Cs you didn't Cause it, can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. I am like you I want everything normal and peaceful. But in Alanon I have learned that I have to care of myself first whether it is taking a walk or reading a book. It is ME time and that is so important! My RA had some much anger that I thought was my fault and it took a while to realize that it is his anger to deal with and I can't deal with it for him. I didn't start going to Alanon til after my RA went into rehab. I thought it was a selfish program at first because I was like what I thought I came here to "fix" my RA! I was totally wrong! I learned how to fix me! I don't know where I would be without my Alanon group but I know where I would be without it and I don't wanna be there ever again. Maybe if it is possible try a different alanon group if you don't connect with the one you are in now. Other than that I would maybe give it a little more time..............but you know what is best for you. Positive thoughts and prayer to you from me!!!! I can say one more thing it wasn't easy at first but it has slowly gotten better. Best wishes to you.
You state you recognize that you need people who deal with alcoholism too. That's a very good sign!!!! You also recognize that you are hurting yourself and want to stop. Excellent awareness. Be thankful you are not in denial of some of your needs and actions.
I had a difficult time at first with meetings. I don't journal, so I can' go back and see when I actually began to feel that the meetings "might" work for me. But it seems it was around the third or fourth meeting that I began to feel a little more at ease with them; what began to put me at ease was my share about how awkward the program felt, the language used, etc. I tried the best I could to be diplomatic; I was concerned how I was coming across that night; but at the same time, I just needed to get my feelings out. To my surprise, after my sharing of these negative feelings about meetings, many members that followed my share opened up to the group and let us know how they felt at first, too. Wow! That's when a little spark of hope came through.
So I kept going back to this particular group. That was over 3 months ago. I now love this group and consider it my home group. It's a large group in comparison to others in our area, usually about 20 to 25 members. Many have a lot of recovery. Many happen to be men. I realize that it's not advisable to ask the opposite gender to be my sponsor, so I had to venture out to other meetings, because the women in that group already had too many sponsees.
Well, I went out and found another meeting group. There was a woman whom I thought was it! My sponsor. Hurray! I thought. She told me to call her anytime. But I changed my mind about her sponsoring me.
That's okay. I'm still searching. She will show up.
Question for you:
Do you have any of the Al-Anon books, such as Courage to Change or One Day at a Time? These two books have come in quite handy for me to read. They help me keep on the right path by reminding things I already know, but need to practice, practice, practice them.
Check out those books. They might work for you.
MDK gave you some great feedback, too!
again Welcome!
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Thursday 16th of June 2011 02:19:34 PM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Hi and welcome here :D You are in the right place, Alanon is for you to learn to take care of you, and make Peace with yourself. I have learned here that I need to remember when someone (anyone) does something I don't like, I can remember to NOT REACT, to REMAIN CALM and to keep to my own side of the street. There are the 3 C's that MDK mentioned. The other thing that is helping me, that was suggested to me, was to keep trying different meetings and keep going to meetings that are real time face to face meetings. This board is a great supplement to the days I can't get to meetings, or if there isn't a meeting. When I keep to my new ways of living, things are much better. When you go to meetings, you may feel awkward, I did. Eventually if you reach out and call some of those phone numbers that people give you, you will begin to feel so much better. And when you are ready, a sponsor and working the steps, I am told are what bring us to a place of complete serenity and peace. I have been in and out of meetings for almost a year, but the last 5-6 weeks or so, I have been going regularly and it has helped me tremendously. I too was a peace maker, but as I said, I am now learning to make peace with me....
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Thank you so much for the kind words of advise.. it is just helpful to know that I am NOT crazy.. for the longest time I thought I was doing something to deserve this attitude.. he can go one day very loving and the next bascially saying he doesnt want to marry me and completely close up.. but I know thats not true..
yesterday I tried to stay calm. I did not return any words, as I truly saw him do this "over reacting" episode right in front of my eyes.. you could see it just come over him.. but I did cry.. I couldnt help it.. its so sad to love someone who has this disease.. and it is so hard to NOT take it personally. not understanding how someone can say such hurtful things.. :( and then get mad because I was upset.. how can we have a good connection one day and then just push me off the top of a high rise building..
My answer is yes, it is one part of the disease. That is why AA is so important for them and why they never are recovered, but are always recovering. The addiction (booze or drugs) has caused some mental illness. My hubby is always better after meetings, and I can always tell when he has been going to meetings..... or not going to meetings.
I just came back from a 2 week vacation where meetings were not possible for him...and I swear I was ready to either divorce or seriously hurt him by the time we got home. I had to say to myself to calm down and plan all my next meetings for Al-Anon. I knew that was the only way that I could recover from vacation. Luckily I had my courage to change book and I could go online to this web site and read and keep my own head on straight.
Maybe think of it this way: If he truly loved himself, he might be more capable of treating you better. Our inclination is to attribute others' actions to the way they must feel about us when a lot of the time it is a reflection of how they feel about themselves. This doesn't make the situation you are in better, but it's probably more realistic and might help you feel lest rejected.
I have 3 tricks in my bag that work for me, when my alcoholic is acting out, #1. I picture the word sick on his forehead. That puts it in perspective that I need not take what he is saying personally and I have a choice in how I react to it. #2 You can't rationalize with an irrational person is my mantra and this is true of his behavior or even my own. It is a reminder really fast that something else is going on and that he or myself is not where we need to be emotionally. Something is out of wack. #3. If you are pointing at someone else there are 4 other fingers pointing back at you. It's a tool for deflection and any addict, recovering or not, will deflect, deflect, deflect because it is easier to do that for any of us than to deal with our own issues. I got that one from my 12 year old daughter who is wise beyond her young years. It was so easy to apply that little rhyme it to situations in my own life. Hugs and I think we have all been there done that and continue to do the best that we can when any situation arises.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thank you so very much for all the great advise... It truly is helpful... Remembering the deflect guideline is a biggie.. I know at those times, when hes making no sense and over reacting, this is not his true intent... For me I know I need to "pause"... dont let the sarcasim and non sense change how I think about myself.. Ive got to learn I cant fix anyone.. and I need to take care of me first... Thanks again..
It was so easy to apply that little rhyme it to situations in my own life. Hugs and I think we have all been there done that and continue to do the best that we can when any situation arises. 