The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just found this site yesterday, i love it! my therapist has been telling me to go to alanon meetings for months, me being an adult child of a and having ah seemed to think i knew what was best and didn't need those meetings. Boy have i learned alot in just a couple of days of reading. Everyone is so supportive. I have been married to my ah for 21 yrs, 2 great kids, my ah has had several affairs and not only drinking since i have known him had also without my knowledge until recently added pills to the mix. We started suffering financially because of the addictions and he went to a 30 day rehab and for the first time in my life i found clarity (i guess because while he was gone it wasnt so much chaos) anyhow i had been thinking about divorce on and off for years, but while he was away i really knew what i needed to do for myself and my children was to file for div, but as soon as he returned from rehab he drank and said he would not have it was because i was divorcing him and he wont leave me alone texting calling, the manipulation is unreal and iam falling into the trap again thinking ok if i call it off he will be fine. please help with any insight anyone may have for me . i know this is long, sorry.
I too am an ac and am with an A. I also did not think those meetings were for me as his drinking was the problem. I just didn't know what to do. I wanted to leave, then to stay and the circle went on and on.
I started to go to Al-anon out of desperation. I bought the books "Getting him sober" many months ago and realized how much they would have helped me in the beginning. Better late than never. :)
After going to Al-anon many things changed for me. I realized that today I can decide not to decide anything. I learned that major life changes are not best made under emotional times and I had to be in a better state to make decisions that I would not regret and that would work well for me.
It is said to go to at least six consecutive face to face meetings, not to make any major decisions, work your own program and leave him to do what he will.
The manipulation I witnessed was quite extensive. I bought a book called "In sheeps clothing" that outlines how to spot manipulation and how to react to it. I was always so angry that I realized I was manipulated after the fact, and had to learn how to recognize it while it was happening and deal with it in an appropriate manner that did not undermind him or myself.
I too have dealt with the calling and texting consistently. At times I still do. There are times I still feel like punching him over it, and when I do I phone my sponsor or come here for some esh. That keeps me on track and the behaiour has dwindled.
What helped me the most when I was so confused was getting to my meetings, getting a sponsor, focusing on myself and not feeling any pressure to make any decisions.
The confusion will go away, if you get your own program and work it. :)
Glad you are here. Your exactly right this is a wonderful web site. But your therapist is exactly right also. You need and deserve Al-Anon face to face meetings. Find one in your area and it will add blessings to your life.
Alcoholic's don't drink because of you or me, or because you were filing for divorce, or because they are having a bad day or because their favorite team lost last night......they drink because they are alcoholic's. You are not powerful enough to make your alcoholic stop drinking and you are not powerful enough to make him start drinking. No excuse of reason is necessary.
Alcoholism is a powerful disease, it's also progressive, only continues to get worse. That's the bad news. The good news.....with the Al-Anon program you can get better, you can have recovery whether your alcoholic in your life chooses recovery or not. It's time for you to start taking care of the only person you have any control over.....YOU !! Put the focus on YOU !! There's an Al-Anon meeting in your area with a chair waiting for YOU !!
YOU !!.....are not alone anymore.
Most ever reply will make the same suggestion........Start attending Al-Anon f2f meetings. The reason......It's what worked for us, and it can for YOU !!
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Wednesday 15th of June 2011 03:38:47 PM
I fought tooth and nail about going to meetings, too. This is my fourth month of attending at least 1 meeting per week. I've felt a lot of old baggage dropping off over the last 3 months.
In hindsight, the best thing I could have done for me and my loved ones was attend meetings long ago!
In Al-Anon they suggest that a person attend meetings at least for 6 months before making any life-changing decisions. (It's just a suggestion.)
Is there a reason why you haven't attended any meetings? I had a lot of misconception that prevented me from giving them a try. Meetings were my last resort. They should have been my first (hindsight).
Others will surely come on board to welcome you and offer their ES&H.
*ES&H = experience, strength & hope
Usually no advice is giving. Each individual has to make his/her own choices.
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Wednesday 15th of June 2011 03:33:34 PM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Welcome to MIP and I am glad you shared. The best thing I have found from being an adult child of and marrying my A is attending meetings and finding a sponsor = priceless. I believe when we start to get healthier and trust our own judgements we can start answering questions about the relationships around us and feel secure in doing so. No one should give you advice about your marriage or should on you here or in Al-anon face to face meetings. I am sending you love and support in your journey!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Welcome here :) I can tell you what I was told when I arrived here: Go to meetings that are real time face to face meetings. Remember the three C's: You didn't cause him to drink, you can't cure his drinking and you cannot ever ever ever control his drinking. I was told to make sure to REMAIN CALM if he drinks, and do not REACT. Again, welcome here, as a seasoned veteren Canadianguy here says: he is either gonna drink or not, what are you going to do? youfoundme
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Same, that is very similar to my story. I found out that I really did not need my ex and was better off without him during a period when he was committed. Trust me, NOTHING you do or don't do is going to stop his drinking. Only he will stop that and (if he ever does) and it will only happen when he has sunk low enough to seek out recovery. Making life easier for him will only hurt him....plus it's going to be more of what your name says "Same old stuff"
I fully understand how hard what you are doing is. The thought of single parenthood....still caring about your husband and wanting to help him but knowing you just can't....having been feel line after line of BS for so many years that you hardly recognize good and healthy thoughts any more....
In any case, you aren't alone. Stick to your boundaries and to thine OWN self be true.
I am so glad you are here. Stick around, read the boards, lurk a little bit. This is a great place to land between face to face meetings. There is a lot of valuable information here. However, nothing can really take the place of attending face to face meetings. I too was strongly encouraged years ago by my therapist to go to Alanon. Finally I went to get him off my back. It was the best thing someone ever did for me to push me into the program.
I 100% relate to the clarity you feel when your A is gone...most people can;t understand how we can love someone but not want to be around them at the same time. Its something I struggle with every day. Im really glad you found this site....Alanon and this board have been a savior to me. Every time Im having a bad day and need to vent to someone while Im at work, I come on here and get it all out. No one judges me. People understand me. They feel what I feel. Keep coming back and post as often as needed!!
