The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The last several days, the internal pressure's been building up again. I was aware of it, but thought I was controlling it pretty well and everything was fine. Then yesterday, I made a comment to a co-worker which apparently was far nastier than I realized. Not the comment itself (although I shouldn't have said it in front of customers - that was totally unprofessional and very wrong!), but more the way I said it. Within minutes, the manager got three phone calls in a row from customers complaining about how I "bit the cashier's head off." She called me into the office and asked me about it. I explained what had happened and said she was right, I should have waited until there were no customers around before I said anything, but the thing is, I honestly didn't mean it to sound the way it did! I was just pointing out something that I thought needed to be addressed, but apparently the way I said it was really horrific. I apologized to my boss and to the cashier, but my boss got two more phone calls after that about the incident. I felt absolutely horrible. I bought the cashier some balloons and a card to let her know how sorry I was. She's an older woman, a really sweet lady, and she just took the whole thing in stride and gave me a hug and said not to worry about it.
My job is really stressful - the company's expectations are extremely unrealistic, and I don't feel my boss is trustworthy. I've only been there eight months, and we're already on our third manager, which has been difficult enough to deal with on its own, but she also keeps adding to my work load. Keeping up with all the changes hasn't exactly been easy, and I'm looking for something else, but we all know the economy right now. (I was out of work for two years before this.)
Today, as I look back at the incident, I know the reason that the pressure had been building was because I wasn't taking care of myself and keeping the focus on me. Because of my up-and-down schedule, I can rarely get to a face-to-face meeting, and even my online time can be scarce at times, so I don't get here to the message boards as often as I'd like. I'm also behind on my daily readers - by about two weeks, in fact. And then to think I had it all under control - what on earth was I thinking?!? You'd think I would have learned by now!!!! Anyway, I'm off today, so the first thing I did this morning was dust off my daily readers and dig in, and then come here. I'm feeling better already!
Thanks for letting me vent!
Red Hawk
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My heart is moved by all I cannot save: so much has been destroyed. I have to cast my lot with those who, age after age, perversely, with no extraordinary power, reconstitute the world. A passion to make, and make again, where such un-making reigns.
Red Hawk-Don't beat yourself up over this. You apologized and the cashier seems like she's OK with it. Just take it as a reminder that you have to take care of yourself. It seems like you got that message. I know sometimes I am so busy I go a few days without my daily readings, my ¨me time¨ in the garden with a cup of tea, and other things that are important to my serenity. Then I find myself getting cranky and feeling overwhelmed by things. Guess I could benefit from my own ESH here, lol! I'm glad you're feeling better. TCOYF!
I know how you feel, I am really good at beating myself up with the proverbial stick...I will go on and on in my head about something I said or did that I thought was totally wrong. HUGS to you! I am sure that the cashier realizes we are all human and she sounds like she accepted your apology. I am thinking that the slogan Let Go works here. We do have to watch our selve huh? I too will get so caught up that I forget to take care of me. I even forget to drink water! I hope that you have a better day now :) Take care, keep coming!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Mahalo Hawk...The reminder that when I stop working the program the program stops working is very important. Like the alcoholic we relapse and get back into fear and give away the opportunity to love and then I hear that huge "sucking sound" again like my spirit is being sucked out of my life. You did the right thing with the apologies and taking responsibility for your part in it. I can use that ESH all the time. Mahalo means "thanks". I have in the past told management that I had a treatment appointment (not a lie or manipulation) so that I could be in a meeting. I had more freedom that having to me inhouse at my job and wanted to let management know I would not be available for a time to work. That worked for me and might work for you. If you don't do your treatment you get and stay sick.
I discovered that my program only has a 24 hour shelf life. It does not matter how many years I have been going to meetings, working the steps, reading the literature, or doing service work. I think the humility the God of my understanding wants me to have is in the strength of coming to him on a daily basis on my knees and admitting I need help. With out Him, I am nothing.
The BB of AA talks about the program giving the alcoholic a 24 hour reprieve from their drinking. I read that to say it is a 24 reprieve from my thinking. This program works if you work it, one day at a time. No one can acheive perfect spiritual adhearance to these principals as it is stated in the BB of AA. That is why I believe the lovely slogan exists, "Progress not Perfection".
I use ever experience good and bad to my advantage. My HP give me the opportunity to screw up and start my day over again. I think that is the magic is to have the awareness that ones life isnt going well, and to have the knowledge you have somewhere to go, vent here, face to face meetings, or talking to program friends to turn things around.
Thanks for your encouragement and support, everybody! And thanks for the reminders that the 12 Steps only have a 24-hour shelf life and that when I stop working the program, the program stops working! Those are so good, I'm putting them up on sticky notes around the house!
Blessings to all,
Red Hawk
__________________
My heart is moved by all I cannot save: so much has been destroyed. I have to cast my lot with those who, age after age, perversely, with no extraordinary power, reconstitute the world. A passion to make, and make again, where such un-making reigns.
Because of my up-and-down schedule, I can rarely get to a face-to-face meeting, and even my online time can be scarce at times, so I don't get here to the message boards as often as I'd like. I'm also behind on my daily readers - by about two weeks, in fact. And then to think I had it all under control - what on earth was I thinking?!? 
You'd think I would have learned by now!!!! Anyway, I'm off today, so the first thing I did this morning was dust off my daily readers and dig in, and then come here. I'm feeling better already! 