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Hello. It has been a while since I have posted. My AM went to rehab finally and stayed for thirty days. While there she did get accused of hiding alcohol in the woods but it was never proven. Since she has been home the past four months she has gone to see her counselor who lives 2 hours away 2 or 3 times a month and still does not have a sponsor. Said she lost the number. She will go to occasional meetings when she sees her counselor. In the meantime my dad, who joined the National Guard, has agreed to be deployed early which will be in January. My mom is totally freaked out and threatened. She is still drinking every night but lies about it. While my dad was at a 10 day training my 17 year old sister found a suicide note from her to my dad and found where she had googled how to use a specific gun which they own. When my sister asked her about it she blew it off saying she was just mad and didn't mean it. This happened late last week. My dad is home and things are a little better but I believe she is still unstable. The problem is she had reserved a houseboat for next weekend for all us to go on for me and my sister's birthday. We agreed to go when it looked like she was taking her recovery seriously in rehab over four months ago. Well she had to pay $1,700 for this and cannot get her money back. Do I still go and take my children as planned even though I don't believe she is stable? My dad wants us to because he will lose the money and he says he thinks she will be on her best behavior. All I can think of is how she scared my kids at Christmas by coming over drunk after taking scissors to her hair and hacking it off in a mess. She was laughing then crying and cussing. My dad says she is not that bad now but when is enough enough as far as exposing my kids to this? My daughters are 4,7,13 and 14. He doesn't think twice about exposing my 17 year old sister to it but I do! Am I wrong to feel this way? It seems like we are supposed to do everything for my mom no matter what the cost is to anyone else. I have this going on at the same time my exH is addicted to narcotics and recently was arrested for a DWI.
(((((Lila))))) Aloha. What worked for me was this...go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look up the hotline phone number for Al-Anon in your area, call it and find out the place and times we meet in your area and then get to the very earliest group you can get to Come in, sit down, listen, learn get literature and start learning. Al-Anon is for the families of alcoholics and alcoholism is a family disease. Go and check in and just listen to others rather than try to be in it alone. Keep coming back here also. You are not alone with this by a very long shot and we can and will support you as you learn how to do it different like we have. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 15th of June 2011 04:26:28 PM
Dear Lila, I can hear how pressured you feel to "fall into place" and, also, what genuine concern you have for your mother.
Any mention of suicide and guns---especially when guns are easily available is a very troublesome and potentially very dangerous situation.
Lila, children have no voice. It is up to us to act in their best interest. Of course I can tell that you are aware of this, which is reflected in your concern about what to do. You have to make the sometimes hard decisions. It can be difficult when you are pressured from others with conflicting priorities. Just remember what comes first---welfare of our children.
Alateen is a good resource for your 17yr. old sister. Alanon meeting as soon as possible for you. I have heard others on the board speak of good literature for the younger children explaining alcoholism in a way that they can understand.
Lila, you have more than one person can be expected to deal with alone. Grab all the help you can get. You have a huge pool of resources available right here as well as elsewhere.
I do know about the face to face meetings but I do not live close to one. I am in a very rural area and the nearest one is about an hour away. I did try to go to one there and it was not in an area that I felt was safe for me to go alone after dark. I have had problems in that area before. There are some others I have learned about but they are 2 to 3 hours away and with four young children I have had a difficult time getting to them. I will try to harder to get to one soon. I have bought books and have been reading which does help. I just start feeling like I am letting the rest of my family down if I don't go along. My sister has gone to Alateen and counseling and has been told by her counselor that she is concerned for her if she moves back home with my parents but my dad has asked her to because he wants to spend her last year of high school with him. I just learned that she has agreed to do it. I understand that I do not have any control over that so I just pray for the best and try to make the best decisions for my own children. Thanks for your support!
I grew up in the insanity and dysfunction of this disease. I know how it feels to be seemingly pulled from all directions and still never knowing what the right thing to do is/was. I learned in alanon to focus on me, as I am the only one I can control and change. As long as we focus on others, we are powerless and helpless, focusing on my own life and doing the best I can, is healthier for me. Anytime I went along with the family's manipulation, I never felt great about myself because it usually meant, I was doing all of the compromising. I learned in alanon that my needs are not negotiable and to stop compromising them/myself.
Also, it is best to learn to detach with love from the addict/alcoholic and to practice taking responsibility in our own lives, not for others. As long as I pick up the pieces, it is enabling them and as long as I inconvenience myself, I will continue to be resentful and powerless. How much is too much for you? Only you can answer that question for yourself ~ I had to define what healthy was for me and prioritize me. Offering them dignity and resepct was the best thing I ever learned to do because then I was taking actions that allowed me to feel my own self-resepct and dignity.
We have chat room mtgs every day, twice a day in our chat room (link in upper left-yellow) and it is great to jump online and get that meeting from home. Alanons understand like no one else does, speak to other alanons about it and stop going to your family/friends to talk about these issues- bc they dont understand or may not be ready to take self responsibility and change. Recovery is about self discovery! The more you work a steady program and apply our principles the greater effect you may see in your life. I encourage you to find your own peace, as your kids will emulate the healthier parent in the household. There is a lot of hope. You are not alone anymore, welcome.
Listen and learn all u can about this disease. Learn to set boundaries and listen with your eyes, at the true behavior/s. We teach others how we want to be treated. Alanon can improve all of your relationships, kcb.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Lila, that is some intense stuff going on. I really feel for you. Clearly there are no "right" answers. There will be fall out either way most likely. You can only set your own limits and stick by them. Whatever you decide, you can still tell your mom that you love her, but you do not love her alcoholism.
Unfortunately it is pretty much a truism that alcoholics do not seek sobriety until they experience some pretty harsh consequences.
Lila, call the alanon hotline and see what other options they offer you as far as "meetings" go. Sometimes they offer a group of people in your area who have "online" meetings. It is not the same as face to face however at least you can know you are not alone. And continue to come back to this board as well, it is so important not to isolate yourself. Personally, and sometimes I am a little pushy .. lol .. ask the hotline if they can mail you an intro packet too. Right there is a wealth of good information to help keep your sanity. You are taking on a lot. My experience with my AH about his mother who is an alcoholic as well was he totally down played how bad things were. When we first started dating she was in another state and what I heard was oh yeah she drinks to much she knows it. She'll tell you she's an alcoholic she will also tell you she's not going to stop. Well we get get into town and even he was blown away he down played it so much and really believed what he was saying. He had to admit things realistically did not equal how he painted them. This was during a time of more clarity for him. Denial is strong in the people who love the addicts. It is easy to rationalize away bad behavior, maybe sick behavior is a better word. I'm just saying call and find out if there is something you can do that is closer to you. An hour drive anywhere can be daunting when living in a rural area. Hugs, I hope you can find something that works for you.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
