The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been feeling a bit spiritually devoid lately. Every now and then, I find a rut that looks welcoming and comfortable - the path is well worn. It's familiar, I don't have to "work" to get to where I'm wanting to go.
That's been my life for the past month or so, it seems. Same routine most days. Off to work. Get to the same Al-Anon meetings every week. Go home, exercise, watch some TV or a movie on Netflix or poke around on the internet. Go to bed. Start the whole thing over the next day.
I sometimes use the excuse that I'm working two jobs and my time off is precious to me and I need to use it to rest and recuperate. I convince myself that keeping a regular schedule is good for me. If I do the same thing on the same day then I'll be safe. Predictability = good. Change = scary stuff that can make me feel uncomfortable. Lord knows that unpredictable changes around an alcoholic can be disastrous at times. But then I even learned from living with an alcoholic that his unpredictability was... well... predictable. I got comfortable with the chaos for a while there because I honestly felt there wasn't much I could do about it. It functioned like clockwork so I just accepted that "this was life" and frankly let it run me over for a while, until I came into the rooms of Al-Anon and then everything changed for the better - for me, at least.
It's funny how afraid I can be of change. Even stuff like taking a different route to and from work just doesn't feel right to me. Something gets locked in my head that tells me I must stick to a routine in order for the day to turn out right.
Last week I realized I was starting to feel spiritually empty. It's not that I wasn't meditating. It's not that I wasn't getting to my regular Al-Anon meetings and making the effort to read my daily reader. I realized, at last, that it was that I was traipsing down a rut. Doing the exact same thing every single day does not always do me good.
Awareness is where change can start to take place. Awareness and acceptance. I had to be aware of what I was doing and then accept that what I was doing was't doing me a whole lot of good.
And that's where I truly pulled out my Al-Anon tools. Not the ones I was used to using all the time and wearing down to little nubs, but some of the others that I didn't use as often. I remembered to do things that nurtured my spirituality. I dusted off my journal that i hadn't written in for over a month. I pulled it out one evening and sat and wrote what was going on in my head. For me, I've found that journaling at the end of the day is a good way to do a personal reflection on how my day went and how I was present during that day.
I pulled out the little throw pillow next to my bed and kneeled down and prayed. Ooooh, that is something that I admittedly have a hard time doing, because most nights I have not a clue WHAT to pray for. Sometimes all I can do is sit there on my knees with my head bowed and just sigh and simply say... "God....?" and that's about it. I have to trust that my HP knows better than I what I'm really needing help with.
And finally... I got myself over to a different Al-Anon meeting than what I normally attend. And I can tell you that the moment I walked into a different meeting that I immediately felt like this was exactly where I needed to be. I was surrounded by people, who, most of whom I knew fairly well (small town), but rarely ever made it to the same meetings as I did, so I got to listen to new sharings... new awarenesses... new perspectives, and it opened my head to some new insights on myself.
It was extremely refreshing to change things up. In fact, the day I got to a new meeting I actually did a lot of things differently. I made a conscious decision to take a different route to work that day. Instead of darting home after work, I stayed in town and had dinner, did a little shopping, called a friend and then got to the new meeting. And just when i was about to take the same familiar route back home after the meeting, I changed it up again and took a different route home, too.
Aloha-I'm glad you're feeling good! Yep, change can be very scary for some people but sometimes it's exactly what we need. Routine is comfortable. I used to be adventurous, not afraid to be spontaneous, always ready to try something new. I guess living with an A gave me enough changes to deal with that I wanted the rest of my life to be comfortable and predictable. I have to say that my life is definitely better now that I've found alanon and MIP. But lately I have felt like I'm in a rut. I didn't know how (or was afraid) to try and change things. You've inspired me to make some small changes in my own life. Thank you for sharing.
That is just awesome :) I am so new to all of this, anything I do is out of the ordinary, but I get your point :) That change is good and getting out there to do new stuff is always good. I think it says in some Alanon pamphlet I saw that doing something different, even though its uncomfortable can be really good for us...Cool!
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
It's a great share and timely for me. I was "stuck" in one of the ruts you are describing and one of our face 2 face meeting member said maybe its part of the prupose your journey....and maybe it is. Change can be very scary and you made the changes :)
