what to say - Al-Anon Family Group

Betterfuture · Veteran Member

what to say

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Since you are unsure about what to share, how about just listening for now. When the time is right for you, you will know what to say.

Everyone is different. In one of my meetings groups, there are several people who do not share at all. Then there are some who share once in awhile. There is no right or wrong way.

I find that most members are very non-judgmental, especially those who have a lot of program. From my experience, I can't recall one share that I thought was out of line. People come together to share what's in their heart and what's on their minds - not to sit in judgment. You'll find that when you begin to open up, many members will relate to your share. Many will likely come up to you after the meeting and thank you for sharing. It's happened to me and I have thanked others, as well.

Be patient with yourself, you'll find your comfort zone as you attend more meetings.

Betterfuture · Veteran Member

Thanks for the tip. I guess I am still a little worried about what other people are going to think about me. Partly because sometimes i still think Im partially responsible for my AH's drinking since i let it go on so long and because I provoked him.

I honestly had no idea that there are so many out there that have experienced or is experiencing the same things as me. I hope that this program really does help me help myself.

.

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Betterfuture, believe me you will discover that you have more similarities than differences with people at meetings. Keep going back and if you don't like the group, find another one.

I, too, felt partly responsible for my ex husband's drinking. After a little over 3 months of Al-Anon I do not feel that way at all. I truly don't. It took sitting down with others and listening to their stories who are in similar situations to truly know that I didn't cause it, I can't control it, nor can I cure it. Years of private therapy couldn't not convince me.

I now say private therapy planted the seeds of wisdom, Al-Anon is sprouting and nurturing them.

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Many of us feel unique (including yours truly) before going to alanon. And those in AA feel that way too. We think, there is no one out there who has had to deal with what I have had to deal with in my life. Then you go to meetings and you hear that you are NOT the only one, you are NOT alone. I share on the topic if I can, or I just say something like "I don't have much to say on this topic, I am living with an active drinker, and I am doing what I can to stay in my program." I usually thank everyone for their shares and I also make sure to say I don't have a sponsor yet and haven't worked the steps but I am learning to use the slogans and tools as a way to keep on my own path. I am learning to listen at meetings, that is a big thing for me, I have adhd and its so HARD for me to sit and listen and do nothing, but the more I practice, the better I get. Give it another chance, keep coming back, it works when we work it! HUGS!

mslouise · Senior Member

Hello - all I can say is please keep going to your meetings...cause one day, and it probably will be sooner than later...you will hear someone sharing something...and at that moment, you will not feel crazy, you will not feel alone.....we all share way to many of the same experiences...... My "moment" was when I heard one of the older members share that she used to pile all her young kids in the car at the wee hours of the night going from bar to bar looking for her A.....talk about craziness!!! But I did that one too.....scary

Also...try many differnet meetings...sometimes it takes a while to find just the right fit : )

Take care please...

oldergal · Senior Member

I have been in the program a couple of years and I still don't share much, I mostly listen. But when the "spirit" moves me I do speak .....I find that it is very natural for me. If you sit there and cry through the whole meeting that IS SHARING. OG

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Better...after a while you learn that until you got here we had no thoughts about you and we loved you anyway. Your "share" here reminds me some of what and how I was when I arrive at the door, willingly at my first Al-Anon meeting. I heard one promise at that first meeting that excited my spirit and it was just before the meeting ended. It is in the closing statement and hope came from "If you keep and open mind you will find help." That was all I was looking for ...help and the promise has been fulfilled over and over and over since I've been here. I also had to be reminded of an old cultural lesson I had forgotten to practice and that was to "listen...don't talk" especially about something I knew absolutely nothing about and didn't know that I didn't know. I had no idea about alcohol, alcoholic, alcoholism even when I later discovered I was born and raised into the disease. I learned that from listening. I was told early in the fellowship "don't talk about recovery cause you don't know anything about that...we do and it's your time to learn it." That made cultural sense to me even though I had a difficult time with it at first.

Ask questions? absolutely!! My first question was "Can you please help me?!!" just like many of the members of Al-Anon and MIP ask when they just arrive; and then just after the question I have to listen. Crying is body language for I'm hurt and I need help. That says it all and the fellowship will love and nurture you until you can do that for yourself and pass it on to others.

Keep coming back cause this does work...Your miracle is coming. (((((hugs))))) smile

Betterfuture · Veteran Member

Thank you all so much. I do appreciate everyone's input. I wish everyone the best. :)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Everyone at the meeting has your story and your experience. Most of them have cried through entire meetings. I am betting just about everyone here mistakenly has thought at one time that they provoked or worsened someone elses drinking and that is why Alanon really stresses the 3 C's which are that you didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. The meetings are about YOU gettng support and help that you need and deserve. Cry as much as you need and whenever you have to. That is what folks are there for - to listen and to help you cuz they are all going through it or went through it.

After years of being the strong one and the one to keep up appearances, I fully understand how it would be hard to let your guard down and to stop worrying what others think. It is okay to do those thiings though. It's all part of finding your self and accepting God's grace again.

In support,

Mark

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Better,

Should it come time for you to share you can always say, my name is Xyz, and I think I would like to listen and learn. Perhaps you may be compelled to tell everyone you are new here and would like to talk to some people after the meeting.

For me I dont think I shared for six months my first go around of the Alanon rooms. The reason why because if I started, I would not be able to stop myself from crying in front of a lot of strangers for which I was ashamed of. My second time around in Alanon I was in so much pain I really didnt care who saw me in the rooms blubbering and sobbing between each and every word I choked out. I was like that for several weeks trying to share while crying. The members are patient, supportive, and encouraging. They were the only ones that could understand exactly what I was going through.

Keep coming back. I do so hope you find the strength to share. It is a wonderful experience.

xoxo

tommye

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.