I have been in and out of a very hostile, passionate, outrageous relationship w/ my AH for about five years. I guess It just took ME this long to accept he is an alcoholic. We have a 3 year old daughter and plenty of support from family members and friends which is why I still can't understand why he drinks so much.

When I got pregnant we had already been fighting alot I was about 23, he is two years younger (we met when I was 21) We fought about everything and anything. When he was drunk he would get verbally sometimes physically abusive. I guess my rationalization for staying with him was that I fought back so I wasn't a battered abused gf. A few weeks after we found out I was pregnant he left me.

He and his family ignored me. He later admitted to me they were trying to get me to have an abortion. His dad even told me I might as well have one since his son isn't going to help me take care of the baby.

Despite all that I didn't care. I wanted my baby. A week before my baby was born my AH apoligized and said he would like to be there for her birth and be a part of her life. I still loved him despite all this (how lame am I?) and agreed.

He stayed at my house for a week when the baby was born helping me. However the first night he was there I found him passed out on the bathroom floor. There was vomit all over the toilet of course. So with my fourth degree episotomy and exhaustion I cleaned his vomit and helped him to bed.

We got back together about a year and half later. I heard promises of change and mostly he convinced me that alot of our issues was my fault since I was the one with anger problems.

We moved into his uncles house. Our plan was to save some money to get our own place with our baby. There was never a day in that house that my AH friends did not come over. They were there even when my AH went to work. They drank and hung out with his uncle who was going through some midlife crisis at this time. They were always smoking pot drinking beers, liquor, or/and wine.

I explained to him that this was not a good environment for our daughter and that we needed to do something about it or get the hell out. He insisted that I was crazy and there was nothing wrong with the way we were living. He said I was a spoiled brat and expected so much of him. I told him that all the drinking leaving beer bottles and cans around the house, the messes his friends made was too much for me and my baby. Still he minimized everything continued to humiliate me infront of our daughter and his friends by calling me names.

I left with my daughter and moved back to my parents heartbroken. After all that I still loved him. I tried to move on and I did for some time. However, He always found a way back into my life.

This time things had changed. After all the verbal abuse in the past few years I had such low self esteem. I decided to go back to school make a future for me and my daughter I graduated the top of my class. I worked really hard to achieve everything in my life now.

We got back together but the drinking was still there. Everyday. He would promise not to drink but for some reason this time i was tired of arguing with him about it so I let it slide until he started with the abuse again.

I had had ENOUGH! (FINALLY RIGHT?) I realized that I was his biggest enabler, next to his mother who is also an alcoholic and encourages her son to drink with her at night. ( although she refuses to admit it)

Whenever we had a really bad fight he promises not to drink but doesn't keep that promise, I let it go to avoid a fight or to avoid being a nag. I've tried to talk to him about his drinking but he always says that I blame everything on that when it has nothing to do with anything. He lies to me about drinking and what he drinks. Its always "I only had one beer"

He is having horrible GI problems. He throws up every morning and has stomach pains every night. Still he insists its not his drinking. He reaks of alcohol every time he gets off work and claims to have had only one beer or one glass of wine. His daughter who so sensitive to any smell (the smell of fried fish makes her vomit lol) refuses to go near him because she says he stinks. Yet all this is not because he drinks he says.

A few days ago he was completely intoxicated. I got off of work at 11pm to come home to him laying in bed while our daughter watched tv in the living room. (we live with my parents btw) my dad the most awesome father and grandfather was watching her.

As I was preparing my daughters things since she was going to be picked up by my little cousin who wanted to take her to the circus, I asked my AH to watch our daughter in the living room since my dad had dialysis early in the morning and he's really tired. My AH snapped at me and said I was being rude since he was sleeping and my tone of voice was too demanding. 

That of course started a fight since I was so frustrated with him. My mom asked him to go for a walk since he was screaming at the top of his lungs. We went to the garage to argue and my mother told me to go inside. He refused to leave so he shoved my mother to get in the house and that was the end of it for me.

I have not heard from him these past two days. I don't count on it either. It took me so long realize that I can't make him change. I can't make him love us. I can't make him stop drinking. So the only left for me to day was to focus on things I can control.

I know that this road I'm taking won't be easy. I still do love the guy no matter how stupid that sounds. THat's why i wanted to come here and talk to people who have been in my situation. I want to be happy. I want my daughter to have a wonderful life w/out all this chaos and instability. Thanks for listening.