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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Depression
Post Info TOPIC: Depression
usedtobeanyer


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Depression
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My wife has fallen into a deep hole of depression. She's been unable to get out of bed for most of the last 3 days. She's always struggled with depression and had a few depressive episodes like this in the past, however this is the first really major, debilitating one like this since we have known each other. 

I suspect that this is not uncommon for those going through recovery, and wondering if anyone out there has dealt with this and has any tips. I'm trying to apply the Al Anon principals to this situation; in some ways, it's much easier to do--for example, I feel a deep sense of compassion and sympathy for her and the fact that she has to go through this disease, something I don't really feel for her when she drinks. But in other ways, it's harder--I stayed home from work today (at her request) and took care of the kids 100%--and I'm just enabling her by doing so? 

Part of this feels like a natural progression for her recovery, which is a good feeling. She ultimately has to work through this and get to the other side, and once she does, she'll be a new person. But between this and the challenges that the drinking has caused in the last year, I'm finding myself beginning to feel just worn out. 



-- Edited by usedtobeanyer on Monday 13th of June 2011 08:13:53 PM

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Christy


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I don't feel it's enabling, it was an act of compassion and that's never wrong, IMO.  Depression can be serious.  Has she sought medical help?

Christy



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bud


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I agree with Christy. It's good that you recognize that you're feeling worn out- don't forget to also take good care of you. Maybe a neighbor or friend could help with the children, even for a few hours or a quick break, if needed.

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Otie


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Dear usedto beanyer, I also agree that you are not enabling in this situation.  Moreover, depressed parents impact children and they need to be properly cared for. 

Christy is right--debilitating depression is always a potentially dangerous situation.  Have you talked this over with your wife? 

I would seek additional help if I were in your shoes.  It is important for your wife and the whole family.

You will also be getting additional feedback here, I am sure.

I know it is tough.  Seek as much help as you need.  Don't let any false pride creep in.

Most sincerely, Otie

 



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Debilyn


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Depression is an illness. In my experience, I would get her to the doctor! I know I sure needed it when my friend took me.

This does not have to be part of her going into recovery. I don't really know what you are saying.

Has she gone to detox? rehab? AA? If not she is just white knuckling not to use!

We have NO idea what recovery will bring. There is really not any coming out to the other side. It is a path they take, full of using tools,making good choices, attending AA.And much more.

Its a lifetime process of good and bad times just like a non A.I never heard it said, "going thru recovery." They practice recovery for as long as they can.

You can go thru detox, rehab etc.

If she is not getting medical support this can be very dangerous.

keeping you all in my prayers, debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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usedtobeanyer


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She's getting full medical support everyone. She has multiple doctors fully aware of her situation and she's in touch with all of them on a regular basis.

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youfoundme


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I was once in a massive depression. I didn't want to do a damn thing. I cried, I stared at the wall...I barely was there. Its a tough spot to be in, and unless you have ever been in that spot, you may not understand it fully. I am glad you were able to be there for her. I think the only thing that helped me was someone being there, does she have a friend you can call to come by or an AA person/sponsor? It was very hard for me to reach out. I did get help though, I went to a psych hospital for 5 days, I came out of the downward spirol and began to feel better little by little. Take care of yourself, Alanon can help you in all your affairs...

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Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me... 

 
Debilyn


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what about emotional, mental and spiritual help?

In my experience the people who did the best attended AA, rehab etc?

It's a total person illness, AA works becuz of the support and understanding they get there. They relate to each other and know what they need. Unless a doc is A they don't have anymore of a clue than we do.

That is what makes most counselors in recovery programs A's in recovery.

As they get sober, the guilt, grief, embarrassment, shame can do so much more damage with no AA and or rehab.

AA works  because of the steps, traditions and the people.

If we did not come here, go to meetings, read literature, gather up tools and use then, how far do you think we would get?

Does she have a sponsor? I am almost sure what she needs is a sponsor to gather her up and say, come on, we need a meeting!

This is very serious.If she really wants to get well, she needs to go to rehab to relearn how to care for herself, before she casn take care of the kids!

It's like putting a couple bandaids on a broken leg and thinking they can just walk in a few days. They need time to heal, therapy etc.

This is totally my experience, not telling you what to do!! love to you all, debilyn



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
surfingmaestro


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Hi Usedtobeanyer,

 

I was in your shoes about a year ago.  My wife went into rehab/detox for about a week and then into an outpatient day program for another.  When that ended she had the idea that she really didn't need to go to AA meetings.  There was a honeymoon period of sobriety for about a week that made all of us, including my kids, think that everything was going back to normal and that was it.  I'd been attending alanon meetings but I was in denial about what was going on, thinking that my wife must not have had "that big a problem.  Then the depression set in.  My wife couldn't get out of bed, couldn't take care of the kids when I was at work, etc.  Her doctors didn't want to put her on any med (but eventually put her on Lexapro).  There was just no getting her out of bed and her psych basically told her that she needed to get to AA meetings.  My wife's big complaint about AA is that she didn't want to hear "pathetic stories that you hear at AA."  Finally, the only help that i could get was to call her aunt who has been sober for 15 years.  I called to ask her what I should do.  Basically, what she said was that since doctors were involved that there was nothing for me to do other than take care of my kids.   My wife's aunt basically came that weekend and forced my wife to attend some AA meetings and get a sponsor.  Going to meetings really helped with the depression and that is what turned things around.  Having a sponsor was the biggest help my wife needed.   They talked for an hour every night for about three months and now about twice a week for about an our each.

I do agree with what you say, at least from my experience.  My wife probably had problems with mild depression before her addictions and depression is probably a cause of the addictions.  It was so much worse in early sobriety and she and I have since had some good talks about it and she said that in sobriety she had to face everything that she had done and not dull the emotional pain with alcohol.  She felt like a failure as a mother and a wife and not being able to function as one after basically being gone for two weeks in rehab caused even more depression.  She had to go to AA to break that depression and it didn't happen quickly and we still struggle with it.  That's my two cents.  Private message me if you want to talk more about it.



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