The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The day I told the ex that I would not take a polygraph test, the rehab's social told him that he needed to go to the sober living house after his 28-day stay. In addition, his counselor had advised him that he needs to be evaluated by a psychiatrist for his delusions. It was all too much for him. (The rehab's staff does not communicate well with one another; it is obvious that they don't meet together to discuss their clients' needs. I realize that rehab's are facing funding problems and do not blame them. I'm mentioning this so that others can keep this in mind if their loved ones are in rehab too.)
Despite that he was hit with a ton of bricks that day, he is doing much better. Yesterday was family day at the facility, and I was certain that I wasn't going to attend. Friday, the day after I told him I wouldn't take the test, I came down with what I think is the flu.
He called several hours before the Sunday family meeting. I heard his voice. It sounded like the voice of the man I married, a voice I hadn't heard in years! I heard it and surprisingly to me, I burst into a deep sob. I have never heard myself sob like that before. I was trying to get ahold of myself so that I could tell him that I just can't do this anymore. Then he began to sob. This is something he had never done before. He then said I will talk to you later, and we both hung up.
I lay their, still sick with flu-like symptoms, feeling even sicker than before his call. I fell asleep and awoke at 1 PM. I felt better and the thought to go to the rehab appeared in my mind. I did go (thanks to an over the counter medication). I arrived a bit late, so we didn't have time to talk before the family meeting.
After the family meeting, we sought out a private area and he shared with me things I never believed he would have admitted, even on his deathbed. He admitted to all the lies to me and himself, all the denial, all the games he played, and acknowledged all the pain all of us has endured because of his drinking. He has been through 2 other rehabs within a 3-year period, and never did he admit anything close to this the other 2 times. There was more, but I'll spare ya all
Whoops, almost forgot about his crazy idea (delusion). He did say that he doesn't believe it any longer and that it doesn't haunt him. I'm keeping an open mind. I don't know about such things. Does he mean it? Time will tell.
He seems much more aware of his illness and what he needs to do about it than ever before. He realizes he is pushing his luck big time (he is 60 years old).
I realize that I need to continue to focus on my recovery. It's the best thing I can do for me and everyone else. It's the ONLY thing I can do.
Oh, I went to the rehab to tell him in person that "I can't do this anymore." However, after what he shared with me, I didn't feel the need to tell him that. What will I do next? I don't know. ODAT
But I do realize that I can't get sick (mentally, physically or spiritially) or love him enough to ever help him. He has to help himself.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Awesome post Gail, and we never know - perhaps you "not" buying into his insanity, re the polygraph test, was the catalyst for his recovery.... Sounds very promising indeed, and he sounds like he really wants recovery this time.... Happy for both of you!
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
(((((Gail)))))...physical sick is as you know already part of the disease along with the other levels. That event would have also boosted my hope and so for you and for him I pray that what ever recovery hooks that have been sunk with in his mind, body, spirit and emotions are sunk deep and that he will want more of it and wants to do whatever is necessary to gain and maintain his recovery. It sounds like he had a "white light" or "spiritual awakening" since the last time you spoke with him. Dear God keep him in the light!! ...keep you both in the light!! ((((hugs))))
Jerry - funny you should write "white light." While I was lying in bed Friday and part of Sat. , sick as can be, all I could do to help myself was to visualize him, surrounded by, you got it - WHITE LIGHT! When I thought of him, I would not allow myself to do anything else.
You writing that might be one of the many ways my HP is answering my daily request: please show me in gentle, even humorous ways, that my spiritual beliefs are on the right course.
I think I'll include myself in that "white light" visual, too! Then see if someone tells me I'm glowing
HotRod & canadianguy - thanks for your comments too! Appreciate them always!
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I am proud for you and your ex. We never know when HP will work his miracle. I hope and pray this is only HP's first step in your ex's path to recovery. You have been so strong during the past weeks calling on your program and others to share their ES&H. You have been a true example for others to follow, and you've done it one day at a time.
Keep trudging. Hopefully he will keep his end of the bargain, but regardless, you sound like you are doing good by you. Keep expectations sort of low though...(just for your own sanity).
pinkchip - thanks for you support. I didn't strike a bargain with him, nor did he try. As far as expectations, I do not have any. I realize that he truly wants to change, to abstain from drinking, but that he will have to put a whole lot of work behind those wants. I will continue to support him anyway I can. I will protect my sanity. By the way, thanks for staying on this side of the board
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Monday 13th of June 2011 06:18:21 PM
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
