The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My parntner is an alchoholic, who has quit drinking. He quit about a year ago on his own accord, but since then has relapsed several times. Everytime he gets really angry he wants to, and sometimes he breaks down and does. Even though he has quit he still displays a lot of alchoholic patterns. He is very degrading to me and will start yelling at me and alienating me out of nowhere. There are parts of him that I really love, however, and we have a beautiful business together doing what we love. I am less than two months from having our first child and am very scared about the future. I do not want him being verbally abusive around the child, nor to the child. My father was an alchoholic my whole childhood and has in the last year started the road to recovery. He is doing very well going to AA often and letting go of resentments and anger. My partner despises him, says that he is trying to take me away from him and that he will never marry me....that I should marry my father. I try to explain to him that I am close with my family but that I want to put him first...but to no avail. I feel like he is trying to alienate me from my family and friends.
I am not usually one to put up with abusive behavior such as his, but being pregnant with his child I feel scared and I also feel like I want nothing more than this child to know both of its parents. I just keep putting up with it and kissing his ass trying to make him love me. He hasnt wanted to sleep with me in months and months......is this normal behavior for an alchoholic? He has broken up with me twice since ive been pregnant and has threatened to numerous other times.
I just want to know if I am in a hopeless relationship that is bound for failure no matter how hard I try, or if there are things that I can do to help it to be a healthy, loving union. I know that I can only do so much, I just want to know if I am wasting my time trying. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you.
So many situations are different but I see so much of myself in everyone's story I like you got pregnant at 21 and got married to my alcoholic and I really know how you are feeling right now plus with all the hormones going through your body. The degrading and comments he still does sober but what I have found through alanon is I believed what my husband told me and I let him take my serenity away. I chose to stay with my alcoholic husband and it was rough lonely and depressing. I am still working on my self esteem. Sometimes it is not always easy to leave our situation because we are truly in love with our alcoholics. I am 28 years old and I love to be intimate with my husband and he still doesn't like to be intimate the way I would want him to be. It hurts my feeling when he isn't loving and romantic but I accept him now for who he is and that is really REALLY hard. I used to try and please my husband by cooking cleaning and doing things he liked that I don't like and I had to think does he do that for me? the answer was no..........so I started doing things I like to do and we found some common ground. Also I find not reacting or leaving the room is so helpful to me because you can't argue with yourself. I take at least 1 hour a day for myself to do whatever I want to do and it really helps to get to know yourself a little. I hope your situation improves and positive thoughts are coming your way from me to you.
Hi there and welcome to MIP. I am glad you shared and I could relate to your share so much in the early years of my relationship with my A. I hope you can find Al-anon face to face meetings and a sponsor to help guide you. That has been the greatest thing I ever did for myself and my children. I am sending you love and support!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
I just keep putting up with it and kissing his ass trying to make him love me.
Hi and Welcome,
The above words don't work very well do they? In Alanon you can learn how to set personal boundaries that will help you to not accept unacceptable behavior. We try to make the alcoholic responsible for their words and actions. We learn that WE must come first to become mentally healthy.
Addicts will take as much as we are willing to give until there is nothing of us left. I hope you choose "you" by finding a meeting and getting support from people who understand.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I am so glad you are sharing here. I know how unmanageable it is to be pregnant and dealing with someone who struggles with sobriety. I have two little ones myself. Being with someone that is stark raving sober isn't always that fun. Sometimes I would have preferred that they take a drink.
One thing the program taught me is self care. It has been my experience that the best thing I could do before my first child came was to go to as many Alanon meetings as possible. It was so helpful to get a few phone numbers there and connect with people as a lifeline. It was very difficult to go to meetings after the baby came because I needed a babysitter.
Another gift of the program for me was the love in the face to face rooms of Alanon meetings. The people in the program loved and accepted me exactly who I was, good and bad. I did not need to impress anyone. The members loved me until I could learn how to love myself. So, the quote that Christy posted above from your post really hit me because that was what I was doing, trying my hardest to make him love me by looking better, being nicer, keeping a tidy house, you name it, I did it. I assure you, nothing worked.
The key that unlocked the door to serenity and sanity in my life was when I got busy in the Alanon program, I got better. I got a sponsor and began to work the steps with them. I still to this day work the steps on an ongoing basis because life is still in session. Problems come up and I need help. I have discovered that I can put any issue in my life into to the steps and I get a new perspective.
I thank you for your honest share. You do so remind me of myself and I really need a reflection of who I was when I was new in the program. This program really works if you work it. Please keep coming back.
I can't reitterate what Tommye said enough, that the real time face to face alanon meetings help me so much. I feel accepted there like no where else (except here) and the love I get radiating from that meeting room is unreal. I was once 21, pregnant and found out my now ex-husband was cheating on me. I stayed, but eventually I got strong enough to leave. He wasn't an alcoholic, but was a cheat-aholic. Going to alanon and getting phone numbers now will help you. You didn't cause this, you can't control this and you can't cure it. Nothing you do will make him stop. I also have to look at what my part is in this whole mess... Take care of you and that baby, that is what alanon is for. HUGS! Welcome here, keep coming! It works when we work it!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Hi you are in the right place. WOW wish I would have found al anon when I was 21 and pregnant
Alcoholism does not disapear when they stop drinking. My partner has been sober on and off for two years. As mentioned sometimes I find it harder when he is newly sober. Al anon educates us about alcoholism. This disease attacks everyone around the alcoholic we become sick with them. Even if you seperated from your partner you have been affected its a good idea to go to meetings to help you to understand this disease and to learn how to take care of you and your little one. My children have been affected by alcoholism I wish I had found al anon before they are born. Going to meetings today is the best thing I can do for my children. As long as I am emotionally well they are o.k . You do not say if your partner is getting any support from AA, my partner is in AA and still finds sobriety really diificult other alcoholics are the only people who understand your partners illness. We understand you we have watch someone we love who we know is a good person hurts us, in meetings you will be able to share and know it is safe you will learn how we dealt with alcoholism. They say try 6 meetings if its not for you you can have your misery back. Today I am not miserable but I had to attend meetings regulary to get better
Thank you for your advice. It really helps to hear people who have not only dealt with the same issues as I am, but are still with their partner and still trying. I know so many people that give me the advice to just leave him, incuding my dad, but I dont think that really solves anything...and it is very hard to do when you truely love somebody. I am learning about personal serenity and trying my best to keep my head up and not let him bring me down. The more that I do that, the sooner the problems dissolve I have noticed. By not feeding into it, that energy cannot perpetuate itself. Thanks again for all the advice!
