"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

hopenfaith · Member

Is this really happening to me?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Hopenfaith Welcome to MIP and alanon

I can so identify with your posting and the title of your post. Many years ago I have said and felt the same as I looked at my life and marriage being destroyed by alcoholism. Good news is that there is hope and help!!!

Alcoholism is a disease that we cannot control, cannot cure, and did not cause. Dealing with this disease we all become ill.

Alanon meetings in your community and posting here will help to break the isolation, enable you to connect with others who are dealing with the illness, learn new tools to take care of yourself and finally find peace and courage to take constructive actions to deal with your life.

Help with finding local meetings near where you live may be found at the following web site:http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html Or call: 1-888-4alanon

We urge you not to make any major changes to your life until you are in program for 6 months to a year That is because we need time to regain ourself and find the right answers for our lives If there is physical danger of coarse that is not the case.

Please keep coming back You are worth it.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so sorry you're going through this. And I'm glad you've found us.

I hope you can also find some face-to-face meetings in your area. Try a number because they're all different -- you'll want to find the ones that are right for you. Even if you separate from your alcoholic husband right away, the sickness pulls us in until we don't even realize how much we've been affected. So we can benefit from recovery and working a program as much as the alcoholic can.

Of course no one can forecast whether your alcoholic will make it into longterm sobriety or not. The statistics say that 5-30% of the people who go into recovery make it longterm. When I finally heard the numbers, I realized that I shouldn't wait for my alcoholic to get sober before I started making my life good. For some people that means leaving, for some people it means changing their lives where they are. It's a challenge, definitely. I so know the chaos, turmoil, disappointment and high emotions that being with a drinker brings. Even if your husband follows through in going into recovery (the disease is so strong that a lot of people don't follow through), the chance of relapse is strong, and even someone who gets sobriety right away has a lot of re-learning and adjusting to do. I'm just saying this because I thought once he went into recovery, it would be like a switch and bam, everything would be right.

I hope you can read all the posts on this site, learn all you can about alcoholism, get some of the books and Al-Anon materials, find meetings and maybe a sponsor, and take good care of yourself. There is definitely a lot of hope. Many of us on these boards are living proof. Hugs to you.

MDK · Veteran Member

I went through a similiar situation 3 years ago when the drinking had become so bad that he was either going to die or get help and me and my two children were going to leave or he was going to detox and to rehab. He went to detox and when he came home he was wonderful my husband was back!!!! Then things changed when he decided he wanted to go to rehab. When he came home from rehab it was worse than when he was drinking. He was sober but very angry. I am not saying this as discourging words. If you want to save your marriage and not break up your family as I did not want to do. I went to alanon the next night. I didn't know what else to do. Then I realized the angry wasn't my problem it was his and I had my own anger to deal with. He has not had any alcohol since he came home but he has taken pills for the same effect. An alanon member told me once the first year of sobriety is hard but the second year is the hardest. I wanted to cry when I heard this but I made it my not reacting and taking care of my self and my children. It got easier and easier and it is almost like getting to know your spouse all over again. With time and patience and the program I am starting to love and accept him for who he his. I am sending positive prayers your way.

MDK

hopenfaith · Member

Hotrod,

Thank you for the response. I got goose bumps as I read your post.

My husband is a wonderful man and I love him dearly. He is the kind of man that would give the shirt off his back for you but that man is slowly being destroyed by alcoholism. He no longer is around his family in the evenings and weekends. He disappears into the garage throughout the evenings and day during the weekends and all he wants to do is sleep. He's not an abusive drunk but I am concern. He's on antidepressants and antianxiety pills and he's mixing it with alcohol.

I have been thinking about joining Alanon meetings for a while now but just haven't found the time. Now that my husband is starting the first steps to recovery, I will have to do it for me too.

How do you trust your spouce again after being lied to over and over? If he's able to hide his drinking from me, what else has he lied to me about? Even if he was sober, I won't believe him because he's done that much damaged to that part of my brain. I want to trust him, I want to believe him but I can't. Without trust, there is no marriage...

My heart is broken...

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Hope... like the others, I would encourage you to choose Al-Anon, and a program of recovery - for YOU... Your hubby may or may not choose sobriety at this point in time, but regardless of his decision, Al-Anon can help you get through all the craziness that comes with this disease... One thing to remember - A's judge us by our actions, and not our words - "threatening to move out, and then not doing it", is somewhat playing into his disease, in his mind... It is a key to "say what you mean, and mean what you say", wherever possible...

Best of luck, and hope you keep coming back

Tom

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi hopenfaith,

Welcome! So glad that you found this board. You already received excellent feedback. I'm not certain I could add anymore that is helpful to you, except to let you know that my story is somewhat similar.

My ex-AH was very similar to the way you describe your husband. He was a garage drinker, was eager to lend a helping hand to those in need, and as the years went by he became more distant from everyone. He didn't take prescription meds, however.

We divorced 1 year ago (June 17, 2010). Divorce doesn't solve the non-drinking spouse's problems. During our 36 years of marriage, I was reluctant to attend Al-Anon, for I thought our situation was far "different" from anyone's who attended meetings.

I began attending meetings just last March. It was a time when I admitted that I had far too much emotional baggage which was generated by living with an alcoholic for 36 years and guilt from the divorce.

After attending meetings for a little over 3 months now, I have begun to realize how living with alcoholism has effected me. I had gone to private counseling off and on for the last 17 years of our marriage. In hindsight, the psychologist that I saw planted the seeds of recovery, but not many sprouted over that period of time. However, the seeds were still vital and are now sprouting as I continue to go back to meetings week after week. I attend up to 2 different meetings per week. The time I set aside for them is well worth it.

For my well being, meetings and all the components of the program are essential. Alcoholics need AA; we need Al-Anon. I didn't understand those who are much further in their recovery than I am when they'd say, "We are as sick as our alcoholics." I used to think they were exaggerating. But as I continue in program, I now see they are absolutely right. I am very sick (dis - eased)

I hope you carve some time out to search for an Al-Anon meeting group that feels right for you. I have attended 5 different groups and have selected the top 2 which fill my needs at this time.

I hope you don't attend only 1 meeting and walk away thinking that the program is not for you. Go with an open mind and a willingness to sit down and listen.

Again, welcome to MIP.

-- Edited by GailMichelle on Monday 13th of June 2011 12:33:08 PM

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Hello Hope)))

You have received some great responses to your post. You came to Al-Anon for the same reason we all came........you were effected by someone else's drinking and your life had become unmanageable. Please consider taking the suggestion from me and others and find a face 2 face Al-Anon meeting. You need and deserve the help this program can offer. There will be a chair waiting for you and caring members who will understand you as perhaps no one else can. Members who want to give back to you what the program has given them.

Welcome to MIP, and welcome to Al-Anon. Keep coming back. Start your recovery. It's a wonderful feeling not being alone anymore!!

HUGS,
RLC

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear HopenFaith

A quick response I am so sorry that you are so sad and heartbroken. I know that heartbreak well!!

Please give alanon a try. I understand how painful it can be to have your trust shattered, Using alanon tools, focusing on myself and my expectations, I learned how to trust and love in a different more realistic manner.

I discovered that I gave over my entire life and being to someone I loved and expected them to cherish that and care for me . I in turn wanted to do the same for them When the disease of alcoholism hit I discovered that I needed to care for and love myself first and then give compassion and love to others.

Once I fully understood this and acted on it my trust for myself returned and I could love and realistically trust another Not blind trust but mature trust understanding life and the possibilities of danger and pain. You are not alone and love and trust can be yours on a much deeper level

Keep coming back

hopenfaith · Member

Thanks for all the positive and encouraging responses. And thank you for sharing a glimpse of your lives with me. Eventhough they are just words here, I felt each and everyone's struggles and prayers through it and for that, thank you. *hugs*

I will keep you posted on our recovery.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Sooo there is HopenFaith...Aloha and welcome to MIP along with the rest of the family and I have nothing else to suggest other than what the others have suggested to you from their own experiences. Those mine too. I was born and raised within the disease of Alcoholism and drug addiction. All of my relationships were from within the disease untreated back then and most today are within the disease in recovery. There is Hope and Fath in the program and MIP is about Miracles in Progress. Please keep coming back and join us in this journey. There is -no- reason not to start now. ((((hugs)))) smile

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, HopenFaith,

I related to parts of your story. It is very common for an alcoholic to promise not to drink and then not be able to keep the promise. My AH did that many many times. I have no doubt that he was sincere when he made the promises. But alcoholism is a disease, and it can't just be willed away. If the person were actually capable of keeping the promise not to drink, none of us would be here.

Although we don't have any control over whether someone else keeps a promise not to drink, we can get help for ourselves. I found answers I'd been looking for in the rooms of Alanon. Eventually, I came to accept that my life was going to go on whether the A drank or didn't. Either I could spend all my time focusing on that, obsessing about when, whether, how much, etc., or I could learn how to focus on myself and get some joy out of life. Time is going to pass either way. I decided that spending my time and attention focusing and obsessing on something I had no control over was not healthy for me. Alanon taught me how to learn to refocus my attention on something I could control - myself, my reactions, and my decisions.

Keep coming back, and welcome!

Summer

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Pray and maintain your boundaries and the limits you have set.

hopenfaith · Member

I will be attending my first Al-Anon meeting tonight and I am looking forward to it. :)

Thanks again for all the support!

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

So glad to hear you found a meeting, please let us know how it goes. Sending you love and support!

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

hopenfaith,

I can't add much to what so many wonderful people in this forum have already shared. I would like to encourage you though as others have to attend face to face meetings and to continue to post here in the forum. I am so glad you are here. I completely understand where you are coming from as I have a very similar story as you described. There is a line in the back of the AA BB that states "There is no problem to difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness to great to be lessened." It does get better. Alanon works if you work it.

Keep Coming Back!
TC

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"