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i'm in a sticky situation involving my ex-A. not that i want to be involved with him, but i'm 12 weeks pregnant, conceived just a week before he left us without warning. i had to tell him via email, he'd cut off all contact. now i'm regretting telling him, since i expect nothing from him ... but, isn't it the right thing to do? i strive to live an honest life. but some might see it as me manipulating him emotionally?
anyway ... he called me and the entire conversation (well, him yelling, me listening) was all about how he's dying of cancer, within a year. how he won't get radiation or chemo because he's seen too many of his friends go through it. but it started falling apart ... he hasn't even had a biopsy yet, he can't get surgery because he's on blood thinners, but he just had heart surgery in April ... something about a doctor examined his huge abdominal tumor 3 years ago and told him "come back in 3 years." it got more unbelievable. everything he'd told me health-wise for 5 years was contradicted - all lies? half lies? what else was lies??
then he told me he hates me, had hated me for a while before he left - yet he'd been so loving and sweet and kind, right up until 3 days before he left. told me i'm insane, ridiculous for having a baby. then it was "i need this child to be in my life" - not the other way around. claimed he never promised my daughter anything, even though he'd raised her from infancy. then he started in on spelling out every little thing he's ever hated about me, i refused to listen to that, he hung up.
this doesn't add up because the last time we saw each other was him coming to testify at my daughter's custody hearing, against her biological father who hurt her. we parted amicably, touched hands and said "be well." even though we're grieving, our life has been so peaceful since then! i didn't suspect he'd ever lied to me, i just thought he had commitment issues. one contact with him and it's chaos and heartache again.
i hate to be unkind if he really does have cancer, but i honestly think he was making it all up as he went along. in any case, i strongly suspect he's using and i don't consider him safe to be around and will take care of myself and my little family as i need to. i just can't wrap my head around someone making up years-long illnesses and even death. i thought alcoholics/addicts only lie to get what they want?
Dear Purpleraven. You sure don't need all this stress, especially during your pregnancy. Shifting hormones are enough in themselves. Your serenity is more important than ever.
I can't answer one way or another if your husband has cancer.
I do know that addicts--especially if using or not in recovery (just dry), will lie about anything in order to accomplish what they desire to accomplish. Maybe they "need" to shift blame so they don't have to take responsibility, maybe they need to keep the spotlight off of them. I'll bet we could come up with a list as long as your arm.
You have to make your own personal decisions. I personally, feel that every person should know when they have created a life in this world. I feel that every child has the right to know who created them. But, purpleraven---I am sharing how I feel.
I'm glad you felt safe to come back to share this with us. I sure hope that you get this setteled out sooner rather than later.
I have had two similar experiences. A person I dated briefly in my early twenties, who, knowing what I know now, had many Aisms told me he had tested positive for AIDS and was too far along to be treated effectively. As this happened within days of my telling him I did not wish to see him anymore I felt it was a manipulation and was kind but did not fall into the drama. A friend told me within the last couple years she saw him somewhere, he looked rough but otherwise perfectly healthy.
Fifteen years later and a few months after I left my exAH he called to let me know he had a tumor removed from his abdomen and it was cancerous, malignant and the doctors thought it had affected his intestines and would be fatal. I decided and informed him I would support him as much as I could during his treatments and eventual outcome. I never heard another word about the whole situation. He never recieved any treatments as far as I know and it is 4 or so years later.
So in my experience A's will lie about being sick even really sick. I do not know for sure what the motivation for this lie would be as far as getting something they want except the focus back on them instead of on ourselves. At the time my exAH told me about his illness, I had reasons to question if it was true and found the Serenity Prayer helpful in remembering what I could change and couldn't. I decided if it was true I would be better able to stay sane and support him when I could by working my recovery, and if it was not true then working my recovery was just as important, took it ODAT and waited for the answers to come. You and yours are in my prayers.
It is my experience that an A will lie about anything. I have personal experience. My exaH has been dying for the last 5 years, from many different things, according to him. This has come coupled with extended periods off of work, in his mind justifiably, in everyone else's mind it became well understood that he just doesn't like to work. Putting me in a position to pity him became a focus of his. It is manipulation I believe.
Thank you for your post- it lets me know that I'm not alone.
A few years ago, my exAH informed me that he is terminal and only has a few months to a few years to live. He recently stated that, despite the years of addiction abuse, he is the only healthy one in his immediate family of origin. Last week he told me that he is suing me for money because he wants to retire (he's in his early 50s) and is having financial difficulties in trying to take care of his AW. He does seem to derive a double benefit of the potential for more money and the benefit of creating chaos/ trying to keep me in the 'game' of the disease (it plays to win).
Hindsight sure is 20/20. I had spent a lot of emotion when he had told me he was terminal; the energy would have been best saved for the lawsuit, or even better, focusing on myself and my recovery program.
I cannot describe my sadness that my marriage and the love we once shared has morphed into the situation where we are today; that we are not together, that the disease progressed and has engulfed my exAH. I remember and cling to good things- things that he likely does not, or does not wish, to remember. It is as if he has now erased our time and love together- which is half of my lifetime.
It is disarming to realize that an A will lie about anything. I am aware of the knot that forms in my stomach during interactions with my exAH because of the surreal quality of the conversation tone and content. I now recognize and accept that this feeling is a warning to me that I need to more strongly enforce taking care of myself. I am still learning what things are necessary to take care of myself.
Hi Purple - sorry you are going through this.... My first thoughts after reading your post?? - a couple of slogans came to mind....
QTIP - quit taking it personally
This one is difficult, as he is trying to personalize his blame, and direct it at you... The reality is that his addiction is winning at the moment, and he is lashing out to those around him, because he doesn't have the skills or sobriety under his belt to deal with this in a more positive way....
Stop going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread
This one is a personal fave, as we so often go to our (sick and irrational) A's and expect to get healthy and rational answers.... Getting validation from an active A is almost always an exercise in futility...
My wise old sponsor used to remind me, when dealing with my active A, to see her with a large SSS stamped on her forehead, that stood for "sick, sick, sick" - sounds like your A is similarly in that category, and at some point, we simply have to stop trying to make "sense out of nonsense"
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Sounds like you two broke up for a reason. You are toxic for each other and everytime you interact it creates high drama and bad feelings all around. You keep explaining crazy behavior from him and then obsessing about the motives behind it.
He is the one acting crazy right? Perhaps there is no motive. You don't need to own his problems or try and dissect all the reasons for him acting as he does. Don't let him be your problem any more.
Those are just suggestions and not advice. I know you will do what feels right anyhow.
P.S. Alcoholics working any kind of program will be far less likely to lie as STEP 1 and other parts of the AA program demand living a life of rigorous honesty. Most sober alcoholics (myself included) will tell you that lying and denial used to be our MO prior to getting sober. So yes, what people are saying about active alcoholics being liars is true. You only have ever given info that suggested your EX is sober though (and for 26 years I believe).
i like "QTIP," that's easy to remember and totally applies to the situation.
the lying also applies to the "26 years" part. he's on morphine, for 2 years now, i've watched him double and triple dose himself.
it's a moot point right now. i started miscarrying last Monday. i was 12 weeks along. i've chosen to do a natural miscarriage (no surgery) as long as things are going okay, i've done it once before and it's a much healthier option for me. it'll be over in 1-2 weeks. at least the hormones will dissipate slowly so i won't have the strong downward mood swings.
i ended up emailing him to let him know i'm having a miscarriage. (he'd asked me to let him know.) he called and was quietly kind. he went on for a while about how many kinds of cancer he has, i don't know what else he said, i zoned out. there is truly no way to make sense out of nonsense. i said "goodbye" and i meant it. *shrugs* now i need to take care of myself, it's all i have strength to do. i am so done with A's.
bud, i hear you! {{hugs back}}
-- Edited by purpleraven on Saturday 18th of June 2011 12:21:34 AM
-- Edited by purpleraven on Saturday 18th of June 2011 12:22:16 AM
i was 12 weeks along. i've chosen to do a natural miscarriage (no surgery) as long as things are going okay, i've done it once before and it's a much healthier option for me. it'll be over in 1-2 weeks. at least the hormones will dissipate slowly so i won't have the strong downward mood swings.