Why Im here.. (1st post) - Al-Anon Family Group

GratefulOne · Newbie

Why Im here.. (1st post)

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome

The only advice that I feel comfortable giving is suggesting that you try Al-Anon meetings in your area. I've been attending meetings for a little over 3 months. I've seen a tremendous difference in me.

I understand you wanting to stand by her now that she is willing to get help. My ex-AH is currently in rehab for his 3rd time. Even though we are divorced, I'm supportive - but am very careful to not enable him. It's a fine line at times.

Other members here will reply soon. You're fortunate to find this board. There are many wonderfully supportive people here.

GratefulOne · Newbie

Thanks for the quick reply. I will be looking into the meetings for sure. Believe it or not, it was HER who sent me a link to this site.

As a young professional in a town I did not grow up in, I have found it hard at times to find the proper group of "friends" to rely on. I never thought I would find myself asking a public message board for advice for something so personal.

I look forward to recieving advice as well as giving advice if I am able to relate to any other topics that pop up.

Thanks for any future advice,

GratefulOne

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I glad you did come here to ask for support. We do our best to share our experiences with you.

I have seen that when the A (addict or alcoholic) takes it upon themselves to totally take care of finding a rehab, getting themselve there and working the program, they do much better.

Their disease is theirs alone. part of their recovery depends on them knowing they did it or do it on their own. It is hard for us to step back,however it is best for the A.

An A cannot be expected to stay clean.It is a disease with no cure. To put ultimatums on them can make things worse.

we need to accept the total person warts and all. Al Anon teaches us tools to do this.

please keep coming. love, deb

GratefulOne · Newbie

thank you..

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Grateful, so glad you have found us and Al-Anon.

I'm happy to hear that your A has moved forward in her recovery.

I had a similar experience -- after many years of turmoil and declarations that he had stopped drinking and relapses and everything, my A got caught drunk driving. It turned out not to be the first time (I didn't know anything about the other times) and he was ordered into rehab, among other things. This scared him straight. He went through rehab and started meetings and said he knew he needed to change his life.

Sadly, it turns out that only 5-30% of alcoholics manage to stay sober longterm. Since there are so many alcoholics that means thousands, maybe millions of people. My A was not one of them. He has sobered up and relapsed many times since then. For my own serenity we had to separate. This is not to say that relapse is inevitable or that it means anything about your own situation. There are just two things I wish I'd approached differently on the journey. The first was that I thought, "Great, he's sober at last! Problem solved!" I didn't realize that it was so hard to stay sober and that it wasn't a matter of flipping a switch and never having to think about it again. And I was completely blindsided when he began to drink again. This goes along with the second thing: I had put my life on hold until the magic date when he would be sober. It took me many more years to learn how to live life so I was okay whether he was drinking or not. It also took me many more years to get really involved with Al-Anon, because the first few meetings I went to happened to be a little disorganized and unhelpful. So I dismissed the whole thing -- I didn't realize that meetings differ so much and I just needed to find the right ones.

I hope you can keep taking good care of yourself and keep coming back.

lifewontwait · Member

Welcome to the board GratefulOne.

The advice that's been given so far is really great, and you should definitely find / attend as many Face 2 Face Al-Anon meetings as you can. I've only been in the program for about 2 months, but I can already tell a difference in my ability to handle my emotions and responses to the stressors in my life.

Last summer I went through a similar horrible experience that you're dealing with right now. My heart goes out to you and your girl. Infidelity in our relationships with the people we love is a gut-wrenching experience that I hope to never experiece again.

The biggest challenge for me has been to realize that the alcoholism was the culprit and not the woman I love. To truely forgive the behavior and move past the pain of the experience is something that I have to work on almost daily (it's been about 10 months since it happened).

I hope that you continue to build yourself a support system by coming back to this board and by finding an Al-Anon meeting to attend where you live. I also hope that no matter what happens with your relationship, you give yourself the same care and compassion that you've been providing to your girl.

Take care,

LWW

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Gratefulone))))
Hello and welcome here. I will tell you the suggestions that were made to me when I got here almost a year ago. First, in alanon, we do not give advice, we can share our experience, strength and hope and offer suggestions. There are the 3 C's: We didn't cause the person to drink, we can't cure them and we can't control them. We learn that we have to let go and let god (our higher power) handle things. I have learned too that when I DON'T react to him drinking/drugging, things go a lot better for me. And when I REMAIN CALM, wow, things are great. I am learning to breathe, learning what I like and don't like, because I have spent my life in codependency and I have always let everyone else choose because I didn't want to upset them. I could go on and on, but those are some of the things I was taught in the beginning. Going to face to face meetings helps me so very much and I am on the look out for a sponsor. It works when we work it!!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Grateful...you already show some of the tools we learn in recovery within Al-Anon and there are soooo many more tools available. It will be impossible to erase her from your life just like as long as there is memory there will always be relationship. We learn to continue to care and continue to love but release the need to have and fix others.

As you already understand alcoholism/addiction is a cunning, powerful and baffling disease; in its power a person will do what they would not normally do without the drugs and environment. Infidelity on all levels is a part of the character of this disease certainly I took the infidelity that went on in my last marriage personally and then I learned "its a part of the disease" and that my responsibility was to and for myself. I learned to make changes. Welcome to MIP and Al-Anon...go and let us hear what it is like for you. ((((hugs)))) smile

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Gratefulone,

I am glad you are here too. There are a few people here that understand your problems as few others could. Stick around, continue to post, it has always lightened my load. Welcome. I look forward to hearing from you.

Respectfully Yours,
Tommye

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.