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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Wallowing
Post Info TOPIC: Wallowing
Soobie


Member

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Posts: 5
Date:
Wallowing
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Need encouragement.  Recently filed for divorce from AH.  With 3 kids (who all have busy summer schedules) and a full time job, have not found time to attend a meeting.  Closest meeting is 30 miles away.  I have been feeling very alone and trying to hold it together for my kids, but every free moment I have, I find myself breaking down and just bawling. 

Our marriage has always been a struggle, so I do not know why this is so hard!  I feel like I should be relieved!  We've been together for 14 years.  This is not the first time that we've split up.  8 years ago, my husband went to detox and treatment.  Was sober for just a few months.  I was not included in any of the treatment and remained clueless in what was going on with him.  3 years ago, I moved out with the kids and filed for a divorce, only to return after joining Al-Anon and thinking we could do this regardless of his drinking or not.  This was very helpful for me, but eventually, I stopped going to meetings (the driving gets to be a lot) and have since rolled back down the hill to self pity...I'm tired of being his nothing...tired of being told I'm hated...tired of being threatened and scared to fall asleep at night...tired of being looked at with eyes full of rage and pure hatred... tired of watching holes being punched in doors and walls and wondering if it will be me next.  As the kids get older and stay up later at night, I'm afraid they will start to see this behavior and feel like me.  Do they already?  I know that I am supposed to tell myself...it's not him, it's the alcohol.  Well it was him that chose to drink the alcohol instead of seeking help.  I just don't feel that ANYONE has the right to make others feel like they are nothing...it is soooo very hard to grasp the concept that alcoholism is a disease and it is not their fault.

This is where I know that I need to take responsibility and not allow myself, or most importantly, MY KIDS!,  to be subjected to this craziness.  I have asked him to get help and he won't.  He told me last 4th of July that he would go but I had to go with him.  I was estatic to go.  Never happened...I just see NO other option for me to get out, but why do I feel so damn guilty!?!?!?!?!?!?!?    



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flopadopilus


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 662
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Guilt came along with the disease for me too. I am glad you posted here and as I read you share I could have written it myself besides a few changes. If you can make it to face to face meetings and find a sponsor I think that is a great place to start! No one can or should tell you what you should do. All I can say is I am hear to listen and can relate to your story in a crazy way! I moved out from my A in April 2010 and he got sober no help, I moved back in in early September and it lasted about a month. I moved back out and filed for divorce in February, my marriage has been so hard and on and off for 15 years and so not healthy. Since I have been out this time with Al-anon I have felt free and alive. My self esteem is slowly coming back and I value myself. I bought my 13 year old Alateen books and she likes to read my daily readers too. I hope you can get back into working your recovery program for you and your kids! I am sending you love and support!!!

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God grant me the serenity 
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference. 

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
irish54


Senior Member

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Posts: 320
Date:
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Treat yourself kindly!!! 

After my divorce I went through a very tough time of grieving.  Grief for what I had wanted things to be but wasn't.

Love yourself and allow yourself to let the tears come when you came...tears can also be very healing.

Hugs!

Irish



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irish54
Mattie


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3613
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Remember there are meetings online here too.

For me guilt is strongest when I feel there was something I could have done that I didn't do.  That's where Step One comes in -- realizing that there's nothing we can do to change our A.  Sometimes also I feel guilt to escape feeling sadness.  Leaving is hard because it means facing the fact that it's never going to get any better.  Even though I know it's not, I tend to hold out little bits of hope that something will suddenly change everything.  Acceptance is painful.  But the only way forward.



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Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3653
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I learned a long time ago not to say the word why much. Substitute what.

so I am inviting you to ask you, "What makes me feel so guilty? I think this directs our minds to look at things. What things make me feel guilty?

As really you are the only one who knows.

Its such a hard time for you and yours now. please take care of yourself gently. Divorce can be like a death, even if you no longer want anything to do with the man or woman.

It takes time to get back into a familiar groove or path. hugs,debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Jerry F


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 13696
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Aloha Soobie...feeling guilty is only one choice of feelings.  You can feel as concerned about you as you do for everyone else.  The real clue to getting better is in the face to face rooms of Al-Anon...that is where the healing is; you can't heal just on your own, you don't know how its done real well yet.  I would just suggest that some how you see the meeting room as the highest priority for the moment.  There is so much face to face experience strength and hope waiting for you along with the literature and service and sponsor and the other tools.  I use to tell my work that I had a "therapy session" to go to for a couple of hours and they let me go.  Better a sane and happy employee than one that was "out to lunch, mind, body, spirit and emotions."   Keep coming back here often if you're not able to get to that meeting.  Also if you want support and suggestions on maybe starting a meeting on your own, you can get that ESH here too.  ((((hugs)))) smile



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Soobie


Member

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Posts: 5
Date:
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Thank you so much for your reply!  Needed that...I do need to get to meetings.  My goal is to make one this week.  I'm scared, but am so tired of hurting.  Need to let it go.  When I went a few years ago, never talked with anyone about a sponsor.  How does this work?  Do I need to ask about this at the meeting?  Thanks again...hope to "see" you around.  Take care of yourself confuse



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tommyecat


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1594
Date:
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Soobie,

When it comes time to share you can casually metion that you are returning to the program and if someone has time to meet with you after the meeting to tell you how sponsorship works. 

Incidentally, there is an Alanon pamplet called "Sponsorship What It's All About"  # P-31.  I think you will find the answers to the questions you are looking for in there.  I hope that helps :)

Respectfull Yours,

TC



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