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Hi all.. the other night I went to my parents after work to pick up my daugher, she wanted to stay for dinner, we went back to first feed and bring our dog over. When we returned, we all ate outside for the first time this year - all of us minus my mom. Me, my sister, my dad, my daugher and my niece had a nice dinner outside on the deck....my mom chose to eat alone on the front porch.
My daugher came outside and we asked where grandma was. My daugher said "I asked her where she was going and she told me she didn't want to eat and have to listen to us say "sit, stay, good boy" all night and that she was eating alone".
(my mom has recently developed an irrational hatred of my dog - my therory is because originally she didn't want me to get a dog and attempted several times to talk me out of it - I got a dog anyway. I'm a dog lover and the money and work and time is well worth it to me).
Anyway...My sister told me how mom was in a mood that day, yelling at eveyrone and complaining about everything, happy with nothing, trying to do it all and then frustrated and pissy when one of the 10 things she was doing at once didn't turn out perfect, then blaming it on others. (i.e. the BBQ burnt the chicken because my dad didn't clean it properly last time, not because my mom opted to be responsible for the chicken, all the other food, and the table setting, table cleaning, deck sweeping ect.... ).
Instead of getting frustrated and going over to 'talk' to my mom about why she hates my dog SO much that she would prefer to give up a nice family dinner to avoid having to hear me say "sit"... I just felt sad for her. Sad that when she can't control a situation it effects her so much that she'll give up a nice evening with her family. She didn't say anything when we were all talking about me going back home to get my dog and bring him over (this is something I've done many times by the way, bring my dog over to run in their backyard). So, she didn't say anything and instead chose to ruin her evening and sulk.
When I heard her complaing intentionally very loudly so others would be well aware of their misdeads, I again, didn't say anything.
I just ate, chatted, laughed, planned a lunch date with my sister, then my daugher and I tool the dog for a walk...and we went home.
It was so hard not to call my mom out on her emotional imaturity, mind games and other crap... But I'm so happy I didn't. So, I went home in a rather good mood, as opposed to sad, frustrated and pissed off as has happened countless time before.
There were moments when I thought about appraoching her...then I kept telling myself, no, it'll do no good, you'll regret it - what are your motivations I asked myself... and I realized, um, ya, to change her mind, to get her to see the nature of her 'wrongs', to get her to see it my way, the right way...in short, to control. tisk tisk...
I'm happy I didn't.
I think this was a good step and I hope that the positive I see in not engaging will help prepare me to again not engage the next time my mom preaches her otherwordly wisdom at me.
I love her and right now, although I'm happy I didn't engage, I am sad that my mom hasn't found any sort of recovery for herself, and sad that she has to feel the way she feels most of the time... but I know, I can't control that!
Congrats for not engaging I know how difficult that is. You acted and did not react. Well done!!! Your mom is very much like many members of my family of origin. They will never be direct, but will manipulate, blame others and sabotage an event if they are mad or do not get their way.
Seeing the behavior as "Theirs" is huge and half the battle.
I must say that once I know that a certain thing is not acceptable to a family member, in their home I am responsible to examine my motives for continuing the behavior . It is possible that might have to alter my actions, to respect the fact that it is their home and their rules.
I can always rethink bringing the dog if she does not like it Instead of repeating the thing and expecting different results
Great growth.
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 11th of June 2011 09:40:50 AM
Thank you for sharing. Your post reminds me of all the good reasons for not engaging in nonproductive cycles that affect my serenity and happiness. Letting go of feeling responsible for another's happiness frees me to take care of the responsibility I have to myself. I am grateful for the changes in my life this has brought. Great job working it!
Dear danielle0516, your description of your mother feels like you tore a page out of my book.
My mother is 90yrs. old---headed for 91yrs. She is healthy enough to live independently, manage all of her own affairs. My sister (single) moved, 2 yrs. ago from New Mexico back to West Virginia to be near my mother due to her advancing age. My sister had to engage a therapist after 3mo. to be able to detach enough to from my mother to be able to stand it.
We both love our mother and want to contribute to her happiness in any ways we can. Boy, is it hard!! There is no denying that my mother is like an oncoming freight train of passive aggressive anger. I believe that basically, the anger and negativity come from over 60yrs of being co-dependent on my stepfather (her husband--not an A) until he died. She never felt that she had a voice--so sad, I cry for her.
Danielle, it is so amazing what my sister and I have done.....without knowing what we were doing we have been "accidently" practicing detachment in order to stay in contact with our mother"s humanity while still protecting ourselves!! Our mother has never touched a drop of alcohol.
I tell my sister that our mother is giving us a gift in a backwards kind of way---she is teaching us how important it is to NEVER GIVE YOUR POWER AWAY TO ANYONE.
Danielle, cangrats. on not engaging. I know how hard it is. Grrrr.
I am glad to hear you are working your program and the result is you are feeling good after what could have been chaos waiting to happen. Good job! Keep up the good work! I am so glad to hear this.
__________________
God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
I know it was probably easier to not engage this time around (as opposed to other times when my mom insists on knowing everything and criticizes my parenting, which is pushing all my buttons)... but it was difficult nonetheless and I hope the positive will help me to not engage next time my mom comes over and pushes all my buttons.
There have been several times similar to the one I described above where I just could not help myself... I would always engage and start something.
Betty, I won't ever bring my dog over to her house again. I have thought about this - and it is her house and her rules, doesn't matter how I feel about them, I should respect them. (I didn't know there was now all of a sudden a no dog rule though - I guess I could have asked).
Like I said, my mom has *recently* developed an irrational hatred of my dog - I used to bring the dog over regularly and it was always fine. My dad and niece both LOVE my dog. I thought that maybe I should have asked my mom if this was ok.... and then I felt really guilty about it (even though I knew my moms reaction and feelings and behaviors are her own) I have thought that I could have helped prevent it by asking. But then I thought well... we were all talking about the dog coming over, my mom was there, she was aware, and she could have said something, but she didn't. In the past, I asked the first few times after first getting the dog, if we could bring him over - and it was always ok, so then we started just mentioning we would bring him and it was never an issue. My mom's behavior really shocked me.
Although I feel good that I did not engage and I know the outcome was way better than it could have been otherwise, but like similar past events with my AH, I always find my self questioning and flip flopping in terms of comprehending my feelings and behaviors - what I did wrong, was it wrong, are my feelings legit or not, was there an agenda behind my behavior, yes, no, maybe, ect... ugh!
