Aloha Spc...Guilt comes with enabling.  Enablers have an innate sense of responsibility tied to a belief in power and control...that of course is for me as I have learned it over the years from others in Al-Anon and my former sponsors.  

I hope you have a sponsor or someone special in the program you can talk about the subject of guilt with or even a home group that you can lead a meeting on guilt.

Learn the 3c's helped me to approach the door of honest responsibility in recovery.  Looking at and searching for alternatives to the problem of alcoholism in my life and relationships including divorce, separation and others was supported by the Serenity Prayer.  Since I was in recovery and only a part of that was to recover from making bad choices for the wrong reasons It was reasonable that I change the things I could for rational reasons.  Being fearful wasn't a sign of being bad I learned or even less than.  On another angle being fearful and remaining in the problem was evidence that I was still at the room of insanity.  I learned I could be fearful and make change at the very same time and that if I really believed in the first part of the first step and accepted the unmanagability of my life and the lives around me than I was operating in the proper motive.  I took it to my HP and my sponsor.  My HP told me that I was not alone and that HP was with me all along...never left.  My sponsor told me that if I could recognize the problems in my life that I had caused by poor choices that I must also accept that I was responsible to change them.  Guilt became a feeling I had for making the wrong choice in the first place which hurt me and made my life less than productive. 

Just part of how I experienced it.  Al-Anon is a SYA program...know what that means?

Keep coming back. I am glad you found the door to your MIP home.  Stick around cause this is a magical, miraculous family.  (((((hugs)))))

((spc)) I think Jerry and Debilyn offer great strength from their experiences..... I'm fairly new to alanon but I can offer this. I used to feel guilty ALL the time. I was always completely overwhelmed with guilt. I still, from time to time, find myself feeling guilty over things, and your posts is rather timely for me as I've been giving this much thought lately.
I used to feel guilty all the time for being unable to do the things I knew I should be doing. I felt guilty for yelling, screaming, name calling, throwing things in rage of unbearable frustration, making bad decisions, preaching my godly wisdom, judging ect.. oh the list goes on and on. But, to sum it all up, a lot of the guilt was a result of me always "losing it"... losing my cool, flying off the handle, engaging, not focusing on me.... and why did I lost it all the time? Cause I was so focused on him, who, as we know I can't control, so I wasn't 'winning', I wasn't successful in my attempts to control, so I was always disappointed, always frustrated... so I lost it - then felt awful. Sometimes I lost it cause I was so scared he was going to die. Other times I lost it cause I was frustrated. I always felt guilty.
Once I started changing the things I could... me, I started to feel a lot less guilt. I no longer felt guilty every day cause I no longer yelled at him every day. I no longer felt guilty all the time because I wasn't losing my crap about something he did or didn't do all the time. Now, if I lose it, usually in the form of impatience and smart ass comments, with my AH (which happens a lot less frequently), I recognize it and apologize promptly.

I still do sometimes feel guilt over things that have nothing to do with me - like my AH has a bad day or is anxious ect... - but I tell myself, no, nothing to do with me! let it go...try to anyway... I find it's getting easier and I'm able to now, pretty quickly, focus on something else other than my guilt over something that has nothing to do with me and that I can't control.

It sounds like you put a lot of thought into your decision. I've never been through a divorce, but I've heard others compare it to a death. And it is in a way, the end of something we once had such high expectations for, so I would imagine these feelings are quite common.

You won't feel like this forever... it will pass. I love those 3 simple words: it will pass.... or this too, shall pass. When I was going through the hardest times of my life, someone said that to me and it really resonated - because even in the moments of the utmost despair, on some level, I knew they were true... and when I was so unbearably sad and scared ect.. I kept telling myself: This will pass, you won't feel this way or being going through this forever...

I hope you can find some comfort in that.

Danielle

Hi SPC

Love all the responses  I wouuld like to add that when I did my 4 and 5 th Step I found that I had many feelings of guilt because I felt I was responsible for everyone else's feelings and I was not allowed to take care of mine.

 I was not allowing myself to be human and have needs, wants and peace. I felt if I took care of others they in turn would take care of me!!! That was my mistake and defect.

 I found I was responsible for my feelings and everyone else was responsible for theirs.  Since I was powerless over others I could not fix them or their feelings. The only person I could help or fix was myself.  How freeing . I understood that my guilt was unfounded and became entirely ready to have HP lift it.

 In Step 7 I asked for HP to lift it. My sponsor had me put myself at the top of my amends list in the 8th step and in the 9th step I had to make amends to myself by taking care of myself, using alanon tools attending meetings and practicing It is a very powerful tool for recovery

Thanks to everyone for the words. I think my guilt is coming from feeling that I am leaving him lonely or that he will hurt himself further. For me, I have been trying to keep going back to Step 1 and admitting I am powerless over his feelings of being alone and there is nothing I can do about that. Man, habits can be tough to break. I am always amazed about how many times I have to keep myself from focusing on his needs and instead of focusing on mine.

In my own life when I came to the divorce of my husband I also felt a ton of guilt.  Slowly as I attended meetings and time passed, I realized most of it was actually grief I was feeling instead of guilt......  Grief for what was...grief for what I had wanted it to be....it's the actual "death" of a marriage and that chapter in our lives.  Takes a while to heal from that grief.

Hang in there and treat yourself kindly!

 

(((Hugs)))

Irish

 

 

Hi SPC,

Thanks for starting this thread. Everyone gave a lot of "food for thought."

This month marks 1 year of being divorced. As Irish54 wrote, divorce is like a death. I still find myself mourning for what we once had in the beginning of our relationship before he allowed alcoholism to take him from us. I also continue to mourn for what we hoped our future would be like. I know all this mourning will pass. It's a process. So when the feelings come, I don't fight them. I just feel them and try not to actually think while I'm doing so because thinking about it fuels the fire.

Guilt has always seemed to be my middle name. Reading this thread helped me to identify why that is to some extent. I've identified my guilt issue; now I'm striving to resolve it.

I hope you gained for your post as well.