Last night was another Family Meeting Night at the rehab facility.  Before the meeting, we met with his counselor privately to discusshis on-going obsession of me having a fling.

We got no where with him.  I did state that I would not take a polygraph.  I told him that it's his job to work it out.  That was difficult; however, through attending meetings I've learned to put myself first and not guilt trip myself needlessly.  (People you can read all about taking care of yourself in books; however, attending f2f meetings and hearing and talking with people who actually do take care of themselves  is powerful and continues prompts me to do the same.)

He tends to be passive-aggressive.  He was obviously upset with me, even though he wouldn't come out and state how he felt.  So, as usual, I stated the obvious and told him it's best that I leave.  He agreed by nodding only.

Painful stuff.  It's harsh reality to realize that someone as important as he is to me is tormenting himself.  It's difficult for me to let go of the person, who, at one time in our lives  supported me in many ways, who lifted me up when I was down, who helped me bring up two wonderful young men.  But I'm letting go slowly, too slowly for most people around me.  However, I realize I get to control the pace.

I like what Mattie's therapist told her once:  "Sometimes you have to keep touching the stove to see if it's still hot."

Yep, it is still hot.  I touched it last night.

People, alcoholism gets super ugly in the later stages if it's left unattended.  My ex is a completely different person.  I am wondering if the neurological damage is not permanent.  To listen to his words tell his reality - I can't describe the pain I feel. 

I gotta go take care of "my" life.  something that I have control over.  I have to keep reminding myself that I haven't left him behind; his disease has taken him away.