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I was going to go see my exAH tonight, but before I got over there he has called me a few times and in each conversation he is talking down to me and not being nice at all. He is try to make me admit things that make no sense to me and trying to tell me I have never built him up or given him compliments and I am just negative on him. I know he is drinking and not rational. I am just mad at myself that I was going to give in and go see him tonight and now I screamed at him and hung up and said true, but hurtful things to him. I am at my wits end lately with the stress of the divorce in alittle over a month being the final court date. I do more than my share obviously with my kids, but let him claim 50/50 and get no child support. I am going to have to get strong and fight for more is what has to happen now. Sorry to ramble having a really bad night and am actually glad it happened so I didn't go over by him anyway, i don't trust him and should be loving myself more than that!!!!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
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Our divorce was final June 2010. If I had to do it over again, I would have asked for 50/50. Instead, I was too soft, too giving. I did it to ease my guilt. Sure wish I had Al-Anon back then. He is sure glad I didn't.
You can't trust a brain on alcohol. Repeat, repeat, repeat this.
Be kind and gentle to yourself.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
My divorce from my exAH was final in 2007. I, too, was too nice ... figured I didn't want to overwhelm him with trying to make child support. Funny ... nice as I was, I've never gotten one single payment.
Like CG says ... he's gonna drink/act like a butt munch/say stuff that doesn't make sense/whatever else. What are you gonna do?
Good for you for catching yourself - program works when we focus on ourselves instead of what someone else is doing!
You can opt to take it as a gift to give yourself the night off, if you can. Maybe a bath and a good book or magazine. Some candles, etc. Some time spent with you. Don't be too hard on yourself- remember practice not perfection
My therapist said to me (after yet another instance of backsliding on my part), "Sometimes you have to keep touching the stove to see if it's still hot."
The good thing is that every instance confirmed that my choice to leave was the right decision. It's harder for the people whose partner is charming most of the time. At least we can "rely" on our A's to have their alcoholic sickness out where we can see it! (I'm sort of joking, but mostly not.)
Dear flop---I love what mattie said about "toutching the stove to see if it is still hot"!
I think that is a great treatment for those of us with "memory problems".
Seriously, I know so many women personally, who "went too easy" in your kind of situation, and later reported that they regretted that they were sorry---including myself when I ended my first marriage.
Most of these women say that it was because they felt some kind of guilt OR thought it would cause their husbands to give them less of a hard time.
Funny thing, I have never, even one time, when talking to gazillions of men who went through divorce ever, EVER say: "my wife went easy on me". They all seem to say "The b**** took me to the cleaners" It seems no good deed goes unpunished.
Flop, that final court date thing is a very anxiety-provoking situation. Try not to obsess on your fears any more than you have to. Look how far you have come.
Thank you for your post. i am in the process of separation and i feel "plagued" by guilt leaving him and trying to be nice to him. At the end of the day, you are right by saying he will never say my ex wife was so nice to me through the divorce! I think it becomes about us women trying to prove to the world we are good people and compassionate and above being petty.....
Flop, All the best in your endeavour, things will work out, somehow they always do.
When I divorced my ex-husband (abusive and not alcholic) he got whatever he wanted so I could get out with the clothes on my back. Now a year later things are much better. We share custody and have equal time with our son. He doesn't give my child support even though I make half of what he makes, and he didn't buy me out of the mortgage on our condo yet, but he is supposed to when times aren't so tough with banks and stuff. He kept the condo, he got the visitation schedule he wanted, and he doesn't pay child support. That said, he does pay for a lot of extra stuff our son does that I can't afford to contribute to, and he takes care of his insurance... Things will smooth out eventually. Divorce can take 5-7 years to get over on average...I read the Hip Mama's survival guide more than once when I was going through it...I know thats not CAL, but it helped me through the divorce... HUGS sweetie! youfoundme
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Even though my ex received more than 50% of our assets (I've never done the math because I'd be sick), he had told our sons that I took him to the cleaners. The man just doesn't get it that we live in a 50/50 state! I think because his salary was always more than mine, he should have gotten more than he did.
You can't reason with a sick mind. So I let the "his" issue alone.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Sending loving happy thoughts your way!