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Hello! I believe I need Al-anon in my life but not sure how to do it at this point because I am mostly in a single parent role. I would like to discuss a lot of the hardships I have been though over the past 3 years but for now would like to discuss my most recent dailys. The man I love is an addict in so many forms - he has abused alcohol, drugs, pills, nicotene and maybe even sex and stealing...... I was blinded by his problems as he was a great liar and lied to me about everything. I feel our vows were made all on deception. He recently had several court issues and decided to go into rehab for a little over 30 days as it was short term and they normally don't do more than 21- 28 days. He was allowed to stay an additonal week. I had kicked him out about a year ago and it was so hard. At times he slept in the apt laundry room and who knows where else. I couldn't put the kids and myself through any more. I felt so confused as he kept lying that he was getting better but I didn't see it with his actions. He finally went for help and I allowed him to come home, knowing my conditions. He knew from when we dated I did not want to be with a smoker, a drug user, a liar or a cheater. i was very clear. i ended up with getting it all. So on his return expected the same thing. Day 2 of him being home, he went into town and for some reason ended up at his Uncle's. Seems normal but this uncle has been his co-dependent. They were using often together of which he always lied up. His Uncle would send him out to get stuff and spend our money. In rehab he noted on his papers that his uncle was a trigger and when he listed 3 people he needed to stay away from his Uncle was listed as number 1. He also then stayed all day in town which was similar to his using behavior. Next day - in town from 8 AM to 9 PM. Really is this key to rebuilding trust? In town just hanging all day long. I was feeling so much anxiety and it is starting to take a toll. Just to note I know that I have been depressed for a long time with all the craziness and lately the overwhelming and anxiety factor has taken over where my brain doesn't even remember important things. Anyway, one night my kids found cigarette buds in toilet and then he shows me he was chewing tobacco too which I despise. We had talked about this when he got out and hadn't been smoking that I did not want it. He had hid this habit from me but it was a feeling I told him about from day 1. So I said if this is going to be his choice then I can't be with him. So, he spent a few days at his brothers. I was sad but I wasn't happy that this is how he was proving himself. Plus he has also done some very unethical things verging onstealing and secretly pulling me into a potential mess - all in a week. I feel myself breaking down and thinking how is this making things up to me and showing me things are going to be good. This weekend his brothers were over again. My hub left for an hour or so again and while he was gone his brother made a few comments to me. I calmly rsponded and gave him my feelings and reasons for certain things. Such as - my DH told me in rehab he was thinking about contacting X for work. Now X may or not be sober for 4 years. All I know i know that is he was spending several weeks last summer with X while he was separated from his wife. The wife had a restraining order and he couldn't even see their child. She thought he was using again as well my DH. It caused me so much pain and more worry wondering what he was doing and why wasn't he fixing himself and us. So I knew just working with him would cause me undue stress. He told me he wouldn't and then all of sudden without talking to me he is going to look at this job at 9PM with this guy. Anyway back to his brother - he started telling me I can't have him stressed about that, and if he wants to smoke let him and on and on - he was cursing screaming- scaring my kids and his other brother tried to get him leave. i asked him to go several times. He just kept going on for at least 15 minutes. It was a nightmare. When he left I cried. Anyway - DH kind of just told him that it wasn't right and I was thinking a little more serious should have been stated. Next day He is trying to reach DH and keeps calling and texting my cell which is in the car. Which for the 2nd day he is stating he is going to take my DH and his things out of our home. I await to see my DH as I am so stressed with everything myself and he calls again and kind of just says that I don't like the text he sent and that was about it.... I just don't know where to go right now - I think I need some sort of therapy and meds. I feel so sad all the time. I have cried and cried so much over 3 years. When we try to be together, I think about him and him cheating and it kills.... how does one get over this..... Thank you for listening....... I feel alone and weak
About a week after I started Al-anon I became a single parent with my A having no access at all.
I didn't know how I was going to get through the next few hours let alone the next day or week. I was beaten down and more discouraged than I had ever been.
I did have two Al-anon meetings to refer to however. I saw women and men who were in situations much the same as mine and they were happy. I knew I could be too.
I started a babysitting coop so I could have free babysitting to go to my meetings and care for others in return.
Meetings became my number one priority. The more I was involved in my program, the better things got.
The first step is to find a way to get to Al-anon meetings. It would make a world of difference.
Thanks I have hear of babysitting co-op before but never looked into as my apartment is small and very cluttered and thought who would want to bring kids here - but I may revisit and look into. I may also check with the church and see if maybe they can consider offering some sort of assistance. I know they recently offered a parents night out. I really feel I need something. I have suffered so much with his craziness that I don't know how to feel truly happy anymore. It stinks feeling so alone. My kids are wonderful but I just feel lost
Welcome to MIP. I am so sorry that you are struggling with this in your life! I am hopeful that you can find a way to get to Al-anon face to face meetings and find yourself a sponsor. You came to the right place and thanks for sharing. I am sending you love and support!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
You are not alone! I too came to this board and then to Alanon on my knees, ready to give up. Some how, some way, I have slowly stood up and started to work on me, which is what this program is all about. I hear such sadness in your post, but I can assure you that if you get to some real time meetings, bring your kids if you have to, that you will begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. In alanon we are learning about ourselves. We stop concentrating on the Alcoholic/addict. We begin to open up and grow. I am working on this right now, I have been going to meetings just four times and already I can feel a difference. I am progressing, its not perfect, but its progress. We learn the 3 C's here, that we can't control the addict/alcholic, we can't cure them and we did not cause them to do it. We can't control anything any other human beings do. We can only control us, our actions, reactions, life, etc. If you see my posts from the last two days, you will see that we too have hard days, and slip up, but we can get back into our programs and work on us some more. Welcome here, you have come to the right place :) (((HUGS))) Keep coming back, it works when we work it an you are worth it!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
What a great idea about your church!!! It won't seem so overwhelming once you get started on your own recovery.
I was obsessed with my A and how to convince him to do what was right for our family. I couldn't believe he was doing what was right even for himself.
Al-anon helped me get past that obsession and put the focus on me which is something I do have control over even though I didn't see it at the time. I was so upset with what he was putting us through and I didn't see any options. Now thanks to my program there are so many options. If I can't see them some days still, I just call up my sponsor and she is a wealth of experience in the program and life.
Once you get to meetings and get a sponsor things will start to fall into place if you work your program.
We all understand and you are no longer alone. We are all here with you.
How can trust be restored when it is so damaged? Is it possible? It probably varies on each unique situation but when does one finally give up? And what about when they lie and pretend they are doing good as he has done before and meanwhile is still out doing the wrong things....... You all know this impacts us but cheating comes so much, like getting someone else pregnant or getting a disease. It really worries me and scares me. He was telling me he wasn't cheating when he was so obviously you can't go on word alone. How do we protect ourselves?
Aloha DDenise...I came to learn trust in different ways in recovery. One way was not to trust my alcoholic/addict wife for something she just wasn't able to come thru on. That way I didn't set her up with higher expectations or myself up for the consequences of resentments. While my alcoholic/addict wife was drinking and using I could only trust her minimally and that is what I went with. When she didn't come thru on the greater expectations I didn't pound her with negatives. This is cunning, powerful and baffling disease. The alcoholic addict is truely a sick person. Treat him and trust him as a sick person and hold the promise of recovery out for him. Many addicted persons especially alcoholics and addicts never recover. Alcoholism is a fatal disease...don't be the one that dies from it. Get into the meeting rooms where we meet and learn what we do and the hurt will diminish. Read the post here from those who have followed thru on their own recovery and what it is like now for them. You can have that also. Keep coming back. This program works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
Addiction takes so many forms, while an AH may stop drinking they may latch on to something new. It is a constant struggle and being in a relashionship with one is exhausting. The worst part is we the partners suffer through so much emotional abuse, we forget our worth. Find something that you love that makes you feel better, that takes you to a place of yes. I will never forget something that my yoga instructor said to me," Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." I found it to be very true as human beings we want nothing more to find love and be loved. Love makes you want to help someone, the sad part of our story is that for us there is nothing we can really do to help the addict. First they must want help themselves. Much love to you
