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It has been a few weeks since I posted and things have improved some days and others it has not. I have been reading the Al-Anon book and have just ordered the daily reader and an Al-Ateen book for my oldest daughter.
I have been following the advice and guidelines of dealing with my AW using detachment and not getting involved with her illness in order for her to deal with her problems and admit to needing help. However, in her attempt to make up for her lack of parenting, she took the girls out to a local pool, got drunk there, and drove home. The girls told me how they almost wrecked by driving in the wrong lane and swerving near other cars and were quite scared in the ordeal. Thankfully, they made it home.
I know Al-Anon is not about giving advice but how do I deal with this kind of safety issue. If she drinks while at home, at least there is no public safety issue or threat to innocent persons. I am all about letting her hit rock bottom or face the consequence of her actions, but I cant allow her hurting my children or someone else. Any advice on how to deal with this would be greatly appreciated.
Hi there.... for me, I had to impose a "no driving kids" policy for my then-active wife. There was no longer any discretion - she was simply no longer able to drive the kids at all..... Of course she wasn't too happy about this, and it made things a challenge, to say the least, but the safety of my kids, along with the peace of mind that went with it, made it well worth the effort.
The incident you described from the pool makes it very clear that your AW is in her addiction, and is NOT in a place to be involved in and/or give responsible input into this decision... Very similar circumstances as to what I faced, until I literally had to say "no more"..... I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if anything had happened to my kids when she was drinking & driving.... As an aside, this was also about the same time when I chose to put my kids (very young at the time) into fulltime daycare, as my AW's behaviors were getting more and more erratic.... She wasn't happy with this decision either (of course), but I think, in the end, it somewhat helped her find "her bottom" (and she would agree today, as she is over nine years sober).
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Absolutely, safety is a boundary. As parents we have a responsibility to our kids, and keeping them safe is not enabling an A spouse. I hear you and went through similar experiences. I was accused of being controlling and using the kids against her, but when it came to the safety of my kids, I do not regret stepping in. Canadian guy is spot on. That one is part of the second line of the serenity prayer. I never stopped my wife from seeing my kids when she was sober, but no driving.
She just received her 90 day chip and is only now beginning to face the decisions she was making, but as she has more sober days, she is more grateful then resentful. She still hangs out with some of her friends that were more then willing to listen to what a horrible person I was back then, but those relationships seem to be fading and I am hearing more positive talk about meetings and AA friends then I hear positve talk about old drinking buddies.
Hi there and I am sorry you are having to deal with this. I had to have that conversation with my A and he is not allowed to have my kids alone unless he is sober. My 13 year old would tell me if there were any signs of this and I would take action, it is an agreement we made while he was sober. I DO NOT let him have my almost 3 year old alone any more because he has drank why he had her alone knowing she didn't know and couldn't tell me about it. When I asked him about it he was honest and said yes, but they didn't go anywhere, well my little one knows how to open the front door and could have gotten out to the road. I am all about not letting those mishaps happen with my kids lives! When he passes out he is dead to the world and I can't risk that chance. I hope you are able to resolve this in order to keep your lil ones safe. Sending you support!
__________________
God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Like has already been said , kids first , You dont say how old they are , are they old enough to phone you if this happens again give them permission to not get in the car with her , if they know they can call you and you will pick them up and a definte no driving kids solution for your wife it will be difficult but is necessary- now alcoholics don't always follow the rules but if you give the power to your kids to simply say no it will help .
Aloha mr...what a lot of great feedback from the membership. For me I don't hesitate anymore to use all of the tools available to me to protect my family and my community. Having an alcoholic or drunk get in my face any more and being afraid of that happening again isn't an issue. My HP has led me and dragged me thru recovery stopping off at points which HP thought were of particular importance one being the safety of others touched or about to be touched by this disease. I learned that side stepping the problem was like walking around the elephant in the livingroom and that If I would yell "INCOMING" when rockets were being launched at my neighborhood I would also yell "GET OUT OF THE WAY...DRUNK!!" if a drunk driver was on the road. A drunk is drunk and not as able to think of and protect others from the consequences of their drinking. Drunks take risks regardless of the probable and possible consequences and since I am in the environment with them for me not to be responsible also is unacceptable. I will pull keys and call the police without discussion. There is no such thing as a rational discussion with a drunk. Pull the keys or call the police and detach from the discussion. If the drunk is really drunk I will call the ambulance too. I've done it before and that is what makes me feel I've done the right thing. Protect my family...yes and my community...yes, I don't see a difference.
Last week we had a 25 year old out-of-state college student run down on his mo-ped by a habitual drunk (Arrrrgh!!). He was dragged along with his mo-ped under the van until he was dead and ejected and the drunk driver continued on his way with the mo-ped stuck under his van until he got home. How drunk is that?!! Unacceptable and beyond sad. I am beyond sad and angry about it and just waiting for the community meeting with our local politicians new Tuesday. We have solutions...lots of them and need the courage to work them. Do what you gotta do and don't discuss it!! Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
My oldest is 12 and was the one who reported it to me. She even told her to stop driving but she wouldnt listen. Its a hard thing to stop since I work during the day. Going to have a talk with her tonight before the drinking begins. Hoping for the best but I keep my expectations low. I can always pull the sparkplugs out of her car before I leave...
What I learned in recovery was to quietly and clearly state what I would do. The why I would do it was already understood. The when I would do it was when I felt it was appropriate and the how I would do it was with whatever means was available to me at that time without exception. Drunk is a life threatening condition for everyone.
Say what you mean and mean what you say. Remember if you're going to lay down an ultimatum, it's only going to work if you're willing to accept the consequences.
I've had frank discussions with my step-daughter about her father's drinking (these conversations started when she moved in with us at the age of 16). I made sure to explain alcoholism in as neutral of terms as I could because I wanted to be sure I wasn't trying to manipulate her to feel negatively about her father. I did warn her that he drives drunk. I told her if he ever came to pick her up and she suspected he had been drinking to not get in the car with him, tell him "no", and then to call me and I'd pick her up.
What you do is up to you. The decisions aren't easy to make.
I've learned for myself that even if I do speak my mind that I really truly have to erase all expectations that the A is going to either listen or change because of what I've said. I learned the A's behavior is going to continue until the A is ready for change and not until then. All I can do is make sure I'm safe and okay without manipulating the A, and take the proper precautions to make sure my step-daughter would not be in harm's way on account of her father driving her dunk.
Just a suggestion--choose your words carefully and try not to "dictate". You are right to "lay down the law", so to speak, but if she feels you are being to controlling she won't respond to it. Just be kind and gentle when you discuss it. She knows she drove drunk, she knows it is a horrible, horrible thing to do, and she feels really awful about it.
"pulling the sparkplugs" brought a smile to my face, and brought back a memory.... For me, I took the distributor wire with me to work, on several occasions.... My ex-AW could never figure out how that damn car became so unreliable!! :)
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Hi... I went through this as well. My husband got to the point where he was drunk all day, every day, worse and worse, falling over, incoherent, mumbling ect...
There were 2 key 'events' that were the impetus for me setting the new boundaries...I was always suspicious, I wish I trusted myself more back then to just know and not be so in denial. And I thank God nothing ever happened to my daughter, looking back, I should have put these boundaries in place as soon as I was suspicious of him drinking and driving. I think I didn't, initially, out of convenience and fear of hurting his feelings and starting an argument.
1. The AH passed out one afternoon (this is after he lost his job so was home all the time), he knew my daughter would be home from school and he would have to let her in the house. He was passed out so she could not get in. This was mortifying because my daughter's friends parents dropped her off and of course stayed to make sure she got in the house, well, she didn't, and the car was in the driveway so they knew someone was home...ugh. Luckily my parents live close by so my daughter went to grandma's house. Still, this was embarrassing, humiliating for everyone involved, and probably made my 11 yr old daughter worried and confused. Oh and also my dad then walked over and banged and yelled and banged some more on the door and AH still didn't get up... so I also had to get an earful from my parents, which is always a treat.
2. I found out through a friend, who was walking and randomly ran into AH while he was at a stop sign on a side street, that he was drunk while my daughter was in the car with him - on his way to drop her off at a birthday party!
I think I posted about both those events on these boards.. I soon after put the boundaries in place. NO driving and my my daughter is never allowed to be home alone with him. So, after school, my daughter started going to my parents house and I would pick her up after work and I drove her everywhere, all the time. Of course AH was mad, thought I was overeating, and denied everything. I just kept thinking to myself... this is a GOOD thing - it's not easy, but progress never is. It simply had to be done. period. I could never live with myself if something happened to my child because I was more concerned about hurting poor AHs feelings than protecting my own daughter's safety.
It's so hard isn't it? If you are like me, you want for your child to have a relationship with their other parent and you try so hard to make that a healthy one. Yet, you know inside that it really isn't your responsibility or within your control to decide what that relationship is going to be. So, you absolutely need to make it about the children and what is best for them, not what is best for the A or your vision of what that relationship should look like. I have done that for a tonne of years and won't any longer. I really like the suggestions on here and plan to check into that "no driving with the kids order" Tom referred to. Safety is safety. Anything that can be done to keep people safe is priority number one. Even if it means making the A cranky. Don't let fear stand in the way of what you know is right. I am riding this wave as well my friend.
