"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

I lost it at 2am

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

Aww, you're not evil. You just backslid for a minute, and that's okay. Sounds like you learned something, immediately recognized what happened, and are taking steps to bring about change. That's recovery! You're working it! Good job!

Summer

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

(((YFM)))

Don't beat yourself up, progress not perfection. You know how we talk about stepping back and letting our As feel the consequences of thier actions? I found that as my awareness grew of the chaotic cycles in my relationships, I felt the consequences of my own actions. The biggest consequence for me was how I felt about myself once I spent more time focusing on my part of the cycle. I hear in your post some of the frustrations I have when I am not happy with my actions, and want to let you know you are not alone. and that it is ok, we do not have to be perfect all the time, each experience brings new growth and progress.

Jen

Otie · Senior Member

Dear YouFoundMe. Why are you beating up on yourself?

He gets drunk and you call yourself evil. You wondered what is wrong with YOU because you were upset. You don"t feel like it was your fault that he got drunk...do you?

Who wouldn't be concerned, if not downright angry?.....unless they were an emotional zombie.

In my opinion, it is not the feeling (anger) that is as important as how you choose to deal with it. Our feelings are valid. Feelings are not right or wrong. They just exist. How we act on them is a whole other story.

Under the circumstances I think you did a good job. So, you lost it temporarily---then caught yourself. You seem to be trying hard to use the tools. I hear the oldtimers say not to expect perfection, especially, early on.

Dear YouFoundMe. Lighten up on yourself. Things are too hard right now to be mean to yourself.

Respectfully and gently, Otie

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Sorry you are going through, and struggling with this tough stuff.... I sent you a PM re: detachment, but also wanted to add - I know it's difficult, but please try not to find reasons NOT to go to Al-Anon during periods of crisis - your program of recovery (meetings, phone calls, posting here) are even more crucial for your serenity, when you are really enmeshed in the muck...

Take care

Tom

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you all, I am grateful to be here. I feel very humble for all the responses you guys give me :)

Summer: Thank you :)

Jennifer: Yes, I am learning :) New growth for sure!

Otie: Angry, yes. It was mostly fear though really. I think...maybe...well I was angry because he drank. I wasn't feeling like it was my fault, I was just mad, seething...as if I could get through to him by yelling and trying to force him to stop...I was lost in my sickness...I am glad I can acknowledge it though....

Tom: Thank you for your private message, I printed that section out, so I can re-read it and write about it in my journal...grateful!

youfoundme

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

YFM:
It's all a process! Not an event. Practice, practice, practice. That's what we must do. You know that already.

Be gentle and kind to yourself. I realize more and more that as my relationship with the god of my understanding grows stronger, along with my self-trust, my old ways of handling things become almost non existent. Sometimes, I ask myself - whoa! who is in my body? I am enjoying this person! But it's still weird.

You're doing well.

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you GailMichelle :) I feel Hugged :)

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Sometimes in the midst of crisis I fall back too. Lately I am trying to realize and finally get it, that I can't have a rational conversation with my A when he is drinking. I have learned to journal more and call Al-anoner's more, but it is still not natural to me not to have these overly frustrating conversations that turn oh so wrong. My sponsor is trying to help me get that I have to change what I have always done to get to where I want to go. It sounds like you are aware and working on yourself in it! Keep up the good work and stop beating yourself up already! Sending you love and support!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

you know I think one reason we get mad is we want that person we love to be in that body, instead when they use they bring a stranger we cannot stand into our home!!! How dare they!

We have choices, we can make boundaries and consequences, we can choose not to live with them anymore. We can choose to continue the way it is. Or we can work hard at Al Anon skills and change us, change how we look at it.

It is the disease we hate and are mad at not them. We MISS our loved one for petes sake!

I cannot be around people who are phoney, give me the real blood and guts! A's to me are phoney. Well their behavior is.

I think when ya feel like that, or we feel like that, we are longing for that person we love and how frustrating is it when they are NOT there and we can do nothing to find them!

ugh. it took a lot for me to completely detach period. Everyone in my family and life always knew it was me and my ex AH. I married my firsthusban,my now ex AH's friend, when ex Ah got drafted to Viet nam and I was pregnant with his child.

Back then pg alone was NOT a good thing...

Me and first A had a special love for each other, he was beautiful. But all my life ex AH was part of my being. For him to now be a monster was hard to accept.

It's like having this beautiful white rose lined in pink, smells sooo good, petals are so supple and alive, you leave the room and come back, and your rose no longer smells, is actually cheap and icky, feels dead and those feelings you had for the first one are gone.

OF course you want the first rose back!!!!! Of course you long for it! It does not come back no matter what you do, that fake rose is that, fake.

so for me, I see Ah as a shell. a dead inside shell. has nothing to give, nothing I want, and NOTHING I do will make a difference.

We long for that loved one, of course we do, in time thru al anon tools and love of each other we begin to live again and find what we need with ourselves and others.

Its horrible when something so beautiful rots... love you, debilyn

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Awww thanks Debilyn....I am working hard, and practicing...tonight is my meeting :)

danielle0516 · Senior Member

Hi youfoundme... I'm sorry you are so frustrated.. just wanted to add that I totally understand and can related. I can remember so many nights where I was up all night feeling like a crazy person, couldn't sleep, I was so scared... so I would start something with him: yelling, swearing, crying, being hysterical, following him around, preaching, ugh.. on and on I went lecturing him, pleading, begging, trying to get him to admit, searching for proof... omg, insanity!!

Like you, I would recognize the futility of it all, I'd be aware of it, but sometimes, I just. could. not. stop.! It's like a force would take over my body or something... I'd even be thinknig in my head how ridiculous I was being and how useless this all is....while all that crap was pouring out of my mouth...but I couldn't stop.

I think I learned something though after each and ever time... after each experience I grew a little. Don't beat yourself up! Sounds like you are aware of stuff and working to make progress and grow...that's huge so yay you!

parfait624 · Veteran Member

When the AH does stuff sometimes we don't always react the way we should. Sometimes we revert back to old behavior just like they do. Why? Because we are human beings and we have emotions. Sometimes we just can't handle it anymore and we snap. The above poster it is about progress not perfection. I think I have reverted back to old behavior once in five months, that's progress. Once is better then twice. I am a person and I deserve to be treated with respect. Keep your chin up.

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you all so very much for your support!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"