The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hey! I'm new to the boards but not new to AA/Alanon. I've been married to my AH for over 20 yrs. I'm at a bit of a crossroads in my life and have been praying for guidance. I think my prayers may have led me to this board because I'm truly not getting an answer as to what I should do at this point. I'm trying to decide if just getting out of my marriage is the best thing to do. My AH went for approx 15 yrs with no drinking. I thought it was all behind us. In 2009 I was diagnosed with cancer. Things were fine until the summer of 2010. My AH was dealing with a difficult employee plus my illness and he started drinking again. It started out with just a drink or two here and there but it wasn't long before it was drinking everyday and then on and on until he's getting all out drunk. Fortunately, my health is good right now and I would like to keep it that way. I have not forgotten the stress of the drinking years and I know I can't go through that again. Stress is bad for my health plus he smokes which isn't good either. I love him but I know this is his problem and right now he's in a denial stage. He thinks I'm making too big of an issue over his drinking. He doesn't have a good relationship with our children. When they were little he was always drunk and unavailable so they sort of bonded with me and its always been that way. He blames me and says I made the kids love me more which isn't true. I guess they just knew they could count on me and had their doubts about him. Anyway, I hate to just bail out on him and leave him alone but maybe that would be best for him, me and the kids. Decisions! Decisions! Thanks for listening!
I am not sure if I will be much help, but the face to face meetings are where its at for me. I am sure you already know, but I was told here and at the meetings to wait to make really big decisions. Is he going to AA? Or did he? I am sure others will be along with more to share with you. I wish you well and welcome here!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Dear LifesABeach, I can see that there is a lot heavy on your mind.
Are we to assume that you are currently following your alanon program in its entiriety?
I am just wondering---have you considered a marriage/family counselor/therapist who is EXPERIENCED with addiction (and alanon and AA)?
Certainly, anyone who has lived through it is aware of the impact a life threatening event can have on a marriage. It can be an opportunity to come closer together---or the opposite---depending on how it is handled.
I agree not to make any decisions in haste and to explore all options. It is too important not to.
Thanks for your replies! I agree its best not to make a decision in haste. But, for me, this is not haste. When my AH drinks he loves to drive. It's back and forth to the store one beer at the time. This is the main issue for me. Before he stopped drinking he lost his license for a several years For various reasons, during this time, I had to drive 2 kids to/from school and all activities, get him to/from work, get myself to/from a full time job. He drank all through this but I made sure he didn't drive. When he got his license back after several years, I told him I was through. No, hard feelings but I just couldn't deal with his drinking and driving any more. He told me if I would stay he would stop drinking and he did. He went to AA and I went to Alanon. We lived in a much larger town at the time and there was a lot of support. Now, we're living in a rural area. AA and Alanon meetings are about an hours drive away. For various reasons, I just haven't been able to regularly attend meetings at this time. My AH is now doing the same old things. He's drinking and driving again so I'm so stressed because I feel it is only a matter of time before he is either charged with drinking/driving (at the least) or he's going to kill himself or someone else which I just can't live with. I have been to a counselor and all she'll say is I have to do what's best for me. I just don't know what that is. Thanks again for listening.
Thanks for your share. I really like reading other people's situations because it reminds me that I am not alone. I can't imagine the pain of leaving someone after 20 years; I have only been with my ABF for 3 years and it hurts like hell right now because he is drinking actively and putting me through the ringer. I hope that talking it out brings you peace and I am always here to listen (well..read I guess!) because that's how I get through my days =)
Thanks for sharing. I completely understand your concerns regarding his drinking and driving. I worried throughout my 36 years of marriage too. For as many times as my ex drove under the influence, it's a miracle he only has 2 DUI's on his record. The last DUI he caused a collision, but there were no physical injuries. His mother was in his vehicle. The authorities took her to a nearby hotel (they were out of town) and took my ex to jail. I sure thought the humiliation of involving his mother would turn him around. But this is a cunning, baffling, powerful disease! It did not.
We've been divorce 1 year this month. The only relief that I have is knowing that I won't be sleeping under a bridge if he drives drunk and injuries/kills someone. Other than that, I still have a lot of baggage. Therefore, I attend al-anon meetings at least once a week and still seeking a sponsor so that I can work the steps.
There are a handful of long-time members in al-anon who work the program fully. I noticed that they have degrees of peace in their lives, even though some of their spouses or loved ones still continue to drink or use. That's inspiring.
I agree with your counselor: you have your answers. No one can tell you what is best for you.
Sorry you have the need for partaking on this board. However, I'm glad you joined us.
Welcome! Come often as needed.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Hi there, I am glad you found your way here and posted. I can relate to you and no one can answer your questions about your marriage. Only you know the details and when you hit your bottom. Some people can find serenity while living with their A's, I was not able to do that and had to seperate to get to work on me. As I get healthier the more I can answer and feel secure in my decisions. I hope you can find your way to meetings and getting a sponsor, it has brought a turn around for me in my life. Sending you love and support!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Thanks everyone! I'll continue to think through this situation. Maybe this summer I'll have a little more freedom and can make the hour drive to face to face meetings. They really did help the last time I went. I don't know... my AH is up to his old tricks (drinking & driving, hiding bottles so I won't know how much he's had to drink, and being drunk daily). I can't even talk to him when he's sober anymore. He leaves early and stops on the way home to get drunk. He's mean to everyone, not necessarily physically abusive, but just mean. I've tried talking to him rationally but he always curses at me. I guess since I have been ill myself I just see how short life is and realize that I'm not sure if I can continue to live for however long I have left dealing with this situation. Thanks for the support!
Welcome to MIP!