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It's been a while since I've visited this website. I've been rolling along in my life, concentrating on getting my teenage son through a court ordered drug program. Dealing w/my teenager and his legal issues is how I've spent the last few years. In the process of coping with him, I got back together with my ex-husband. We are dating more or less, not living together.
I am finding myself struggling with this relationship with my ex. I love him but am doubting that love for a person is truly enough to be happy. Quite honestly, I am not happy. Not really unhappy either. Just bored and stressed and tired.....so BLAH!
We tend to fall into the same ol' rut over and over. We almost break up over it, talk ourselves out of breaking up, promising to work on our issues, only to find ourselves right back in that rut a few weeks or months later. Well, we are in the rut. We had just recently dug our way out of it but it seems before we could get a good footing at the top, we slipped back down.
I feel like I am stuck in sucking mud and I can't really get my feet to move. Where do my feet want to go? Well, I think as far away from this muddy pool of muck as I can. I just don't know how! I've done it before - I am the one who filed for divorce and got my own house and re-established my life without my ex. I allowed myself to get drawn back into his depressing life and I don't feel like I have the energy left in me to fight my way back out nor do I have it in me to fight to stay in it.
I love my ex. I do. But he makes me miserable most of the time. Sure we have happy moments but the general feeling is just "blah". His depression issues are depressing ME. His ability to shut down and shut everyone out for days at a time drive me insane. He doesn't care about his financial situation, which already hit bottom and is sinking lower if that is even possible. He acts like money is no big deal, he doesn't have any so why worry about it. He just lost his job due to not showing up and he doesn't seem to care. He doesn't seem to care that his lack of income affects me and our kids b/c then I don't get child support. His general attitude of "I don't care" drives me insane. Lack of responsibility, dependability and common sense! Ridiculous. Worse than that, he acts like he is so great, so helpful, so dependable. He helps others out w/odd jobs and pats himself on the back for being a great friend, son, son-in-law, boyfriend. He can help me out by working, paying his bills, paying his child support and realizing that MONEY is important. When you've lost everything you've ever owned and have nothing left to lose, I guess it's not that big of a deal. But for me, I struggle every day to keep what I've got and keep good credit for myself and for my kids and his behavior puts it all at risk.
hi qod i can so relate to ur story many times 1 time with my kids dad back in 1999 when he divorced me he let everything go ,lost everything brand new homes we built and ened up in a shack that we rented and then he took his walk final walk out of our lives my 2nd marriage started off gr8 but ended up me getting the divorce he ruined my good credit was a compulsive lier and spent lots of time at the er every week complaining about migrains which i found out way later was just to get a high off the med they gave him,ha he tried to take everything i had worked for and had all my childrens lives from my 1st marriege but i fought him tooth and nail, he came into this marriege with nothing and will leave with just what he came in with ,,nothing i got it all,now im much happeir not having to deal with all the bs,from choosing the wrong ones and im doing fine and my bills r getting pd,thank gosh,he ruined my good credit that i had for yrs and his credit was never good,im just having to let it all go and hope it will be back where it should be in 7 yrs,i wish and i do wish u all the best,i beleive things always work themselves out in the end,,,live one day at a time,,,hugs chinup
Welcome back!! (( QOD )) I can give you some great news ~ program is always right where we leave it, so pick up those tools and skills that worked and begin applying them to your life asap and it does get better when we do what works. None of us could do it alone, we all need HP and this fellowship, as we understand like no one else can, we are/have been in your shoes. It is also very good news that you are not living together and you still have your own space. I know that focusing on me is the only way I can detach and allow them to sort out the consequences of their own actions & for me to offer them dignity and respect by staying waaayyy back on my side of the fence and in what I have power over.
I am sure you are juggling a fine balancing act in regards to your son too, so please keep sharing what you are going through and we can support you along your continued journey. The second I stop working it & foucsing on me- I do slip, and right now all that matters is I continue to get healthier and give me the resepect first by taking actions that allow me to feeel better about myself along the way. Once I can see a behavior is not being nurturing or loving of me- it gets easier to replace. It is critical to use this awareness to make changes in your life that you can feel good about. You can also practice detaching from his attitude and issues in general and accept him where and as he is, we sure cant change them!
Accepting reality and your limitations helps us bc we can then alter boundaries or set new ones that do support our new way of life and changes. You dont owe an adult anything but you do owe things to you and your kid- so work your best program and allow your son to take responsibility for his actions too - detaching with love is a mature and loving thing to do when kids come of age... that is a balancing act only moms can know about. The more sane & calm you are, the better that is for you and for you to role model healthier coping skills and better choices. Let your AH have his depresssing moods- you dont have to jump on his bandwagon - focus on things for you and see where you can take power and you begin to feel empowered again soon ~ surrender the rest! Welcome home!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thanks to all for your responses. I do need to take a step back, work on myself again and let him work it out on his own. It is just frustrating. We are going nowhere with this relationship and honestly, I don't think I want to go anywhere. I don't see us living together again. Maybe I should just get up the nerve to cut ties again. Arrg. It's so hard when kids are involved. If I break up with him, the kids will suffer b/c he won't come and see them ..... he will say he can't be around me and therefore can't be around the kids. Maybe that's just how it ought to be then. Oh well. Time will tell.
Dear QOD. You will be the one to decide what you are going to do. You are the captain of your ship.
About your concern for the children (as a mother, OF COURSE you are concerned), there are many arrangements abut visitation that I have heard of that don't require face to face meetings. Maybe you can find out all you can on the subject.
I know that at times I have assumed that there were far less options than there were in reality.
respectfully, Otie
-- Edited by Otie on Wednesday 8th of June 2011 09:55:37 AM
Thanks Otie. As far as visitation goes, well, that's just it. In the past when we were not getting along, my ex simply chose NOT to visit with the kids and used me as an excuse. He'd say he couldn't see me b/c he still loves me and if he can't be with me, then he doesn't want to see me. Then he tells me that b/c he lives with his grandma he really can't pick the kids up for sleepovers to spend time with them. I know for a fact that she would love to see the kids too so that is not really an issue. Then he tells me that he can't pick them up and take them anywhere b/c he doesn't have any money. So his only option is to visit them at my house, which he can't do b/c of me.....so you see? I am dealing with nothing but excuses. And now that I think about it, why am I allowing his excuses, his issues, get in the way of my happiness?
I am pretty sure that after a few days, we will talk again. He will tell me he is depressed b/c he lost his job, feeling like less of a man, feels like I am not attracted to him, feels like he isn't strong any more....and on and on and on....until we decide AGAIN to work on our issues...when as far as I am concerned all the issues are his and I am just getting tired of working on them.
Oh well. Keep plodding along until I can't plod any more I guess.
