ESH please before "it" hits the fan- I'm ashamed and embarrassed - Al-Anon Family Group

devlynn · Veteran Member

ESH please before "it" hits the fan- I'm ashamed and embarrassed

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

I hear the panic and pain in your post, and I'm sorry you're not feeling well right now. I haven't been in that exact situation, but I've certainly caused trouble for other people before.

Step 10 says "continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it." To me, this means that when I've done something I know is wrong, the only thing I can do is honestly admit my part - not justify it with "I did _____ because you did ____," but simply accept responsibility for whatever my part was, admit that I was sick and I am working to get better, and sincerely apologize.

I've learned that regardless of other people's actions, I am responsible for my own. The only way I can have peace when I've done something I'm not proud of is to get it out there and take responsibility for it. It's not easy and it's not fun sometimes, but it's part of being a grown up.

Just my .02 - take what you like and leave the rest.

devlynn · Veteran Member

I dont think I am trying to justify why I did it. Really it doesn't matter, it was wrong bottom line. For me I needed to look at why i did it so I could learn from it and recognize the unhealty behavior so I can grow from it. I just feel so guilty and embarrassed that I allowed myself to act so childishly. I know am sincerely sorry and god only knows I wish I could have "do over". All I can dobis express my apologies. I just hope that I can figure out how to deal with guilt of it all.

I'm so glad I'm learning how not to live my life like a "Jerry" episode lol

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Devlynn...WhiteRabbit was absolutely right on for those in the fellowship that work the steps and really want recovery from "their part in it". Her share was more than just 2 cents for me...She sounded like my sponsors sounded while they led me thru the mazes of "how it works". Read her share again and ask for more feedback as you need it.

Mahalo White Rabbit.

((((hugs)))) smile

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree, White Rabbit nailed it on the head.

We all goof 'cuz we're human. Once you realize an error on your part, learn from it. Don't "bath" in the mistake because that is needless punishment. Treat yourself as you would a good friend who has made an error.

Be appreciative that you see your error. Jerry Springer's guests keep perpetuating their errors. By the way, is that guy still on TV? Hope not!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It might be useful to figure out what was going on in your emotions just before you decided to take the plunge. I know I used to stir up trouble and drama -- which I paid dearly for -- as a way of avoiding the hard facts of my own life. Creating drama is something we Al-Anoners can be expert at. In fact, sometimes I realize that one reason I hung on to my A's is that then I could blame them for their drama (which was real enough). And that meant I didn't have the time to look at my own behavior. Because when I was left alone with myself -- well, it was very, very uncomfortable.

Fortunately, we get a lot of chances to get perspective on our decisions! smile

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Here is something I learned from an alanon meeting. Someone said that their sponsor told them when they are wrong, instead of saying "I am sorry" which mostly means nothing to us who apologize all the time, state what you did and say "I was wrong, I am sorry" that little amendment to the I am sorry, the I was wrong part, is so much harder to say and means so much more. You can look at yourself and beat yourself up over it, or you can be proactive and apologize...keep coming back, it works when you work it!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

With all the caring and support Dev...I would seriously ask myself "Why do I need this chaos?" The boyfriend was set to be your EX and you had an injuction. I thought it was over? You are literally digging for chaos and making it where there was none before. My guess is that you have been living in drama and problems for so long that you don't know how to handle a calm and more peaceful existence. When I first got sober and when I broke up with my ex, I was also so used to drama and chaos that I created it when it wasn't there. Just remember, you can walk away from him, from his mother, from the paternity issue...all of that. You are choosing to make those problems yours. You can walk away and focus on you. Who cares about him, his mother...another child anymore? It does not have to be your problem.

Mark

devlynn · Veteran Member

thank you every one for you replies. i sent an email to the abf mom...admitted i was wrong and apologized. she wrote back and told me i was to hard on myself, she forgave me and i was a special lady. that felt good all the way around.

now for you pinkchip-you are dead on. i have had so much drama and chaos in my life as long as i can remember. your right, i dont think i know how to handle the calm. let me tell you, things are calm by comparison right now! lol

i just keep reading your post over and over again. im probably obsessing. i am sure there is reason for that too. i know i could walk away and never look back. i have wondered that of other people, why do they stay? why doesnt everyone just walk away and not look back. yet here i sit in the same position, im not exactly walking away either am i?

this is all so overwhelming. is walking away the right thing? im the only one who is supposed to know that yet i am utterly clueless.

a friend suggested i join a dating site. go out with other men. get out of the house. she thought that if i "dated" it would help me "get over" abf and make it easier to break him off completely.

grrrr this is so one of the times you just wish you had the answer shoved in your face for you.

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

I can hear the spiraling going on within you and I am wondering if you are attending face to face meetings? Do you have a sponsor? It sounds like you are still reacting. I hope you can make it to meetings and find a sponsor to work the steps with. I used to be a queen at keeping the drama going and then complaining to my friends about it all. Now life can be boring, but it sure beats the ways of old, before I was working a strong program. Do you have Al-anon literature to read, it has helped me calm the spiraling mind to a peaceful silence? The more Al-anon books have I read the more serene my life has become and the better my skills have gotten and answering the important questions about my life from within myself. Keep coming back!

devlynn · Veteran Member

Flo-the scary thing is that I am going to f2f and have literature to read. I'm actually doing a ton better then I was. It has been a noticeable change to those around me in fact. I think in regards to this post I've just gone into panic mode. In the past I've made mistakes and was like eh sh*t happens and kind of aloof about it. There was an insane amount of chaos in my life that my screw ups were just part of the deal. where as now I'm trying to learn and work the program and I became painfully aware of how my sh*t happens attitude is so wrong for so many many reasons. Maybe in a way this was the first time I became completely aware of the wrong I did and it really shook me up.

I've actually had quite a few ah-ha moments and step one came over me like a freight train all in the last 24 hours. The past week has been calm an relaxing. Handling my business, life and home. Lots of reading, learning and f2f 2'xs a week. Then boom! Maybe self inflicted out of habit? Also saturday I was incredibly ill with lots of physical pain, I'm such a baby when I'm sick. I'll skip those details but something that typically last about two hours is still gripping me 3 days later. So just when I thought I was making great progress, I'm faced with several challenges. I have a f2f tomorrow night (wenesday) I don't have a sponsor yet. This might sound funny, but maybe in some way I am trying to hard. I've always put intense pressure on myself to get things done quickly and and get every detail just right. I kinda feel like maybe I need to regroup some. Everyone here is seeing something in my posts over the last 24 hrs that I didn't notice so something is going on.

I think I'll sleep on it. Re-read my posts and the responses and maybe I will see what others are seeing.

Thanks so much :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

geez you know we an only take so much. We have a right to be angry, and sometimes we make decisions we wish we had not have. that't called being human.

If it were me and believe me I have said things too in the past, if he asked me, I would say, "in a moment where I was deeply hurt and mixed up, yes I did share that information." I take full responsibility, it was a mistake."

Then accept the consequences. You are not a bad person, your post sure shows that!Besides honestly it does need to come out if this child is part of the family!

My sons long time g friend in hi school, got pg after they broke up. I guess she did it on purpose. I love the girl, did not think less of her. Then I was told it may not be my sons child.

when he was born, I was right there, mom asked me, does he look like ****? omg he sure did, looked just like my sons dad as a baby too! I was glad she could be that open with me.

A test was done asap, and thankfully for all of us it was and is my sons. (c: My guy is 15 now.

Life is freaking messy!! Just is, we forgive ourselves and go on! It will all be ok!

You are no less of a person kiddo! love,debilyn who woulda loved that baby no matter what!

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

I reread my post and what Debilyn wrote and I should have added go easy on yourself it is not a race, in fact it is a slow down to learning to enjoy the moment at hand. The more control I hand over to my HP the easier it gets to enjoy my life, people around me and myself. You can't fix it all in 1 day or even 1 month, especially when it's been a life long ordeal. Give yourself a break and go easy. Life is hard enough without you loading yourself down with more pressure. Keep taking care of you.

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