The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been thinking a lot about my biggest fear when I got here - which was letting go. I thought that letting go was a sign of defeat, and I was so scared of what would happen if I did it. I was mostly afraid that if I let go, I'd lose my AH. As bad as his drinking was, I thought it would be worse without my help.
What I discovered was that me holding on so tightly to him was like a drowning person (me) trying to use another swimming person (him) as a buoy. I was holding on to him and expecting him to keep me above water, but really I was pushing us both under. The only way I could stay afloat was to let go of him and to grab a REAL buoy (my HP). In this way, I could stop struggling so hard to stay above water and just relax and hold on. I could also free up my AH to grab a buoy of his own.
Letting go was scary for me because my mind was so busy with "what ifs." When I got my mind occupied with other things, I got better.
I'm trying to remember this every minute these days. I'm in process of buying a house ... well, maybe. Things aren't going very well with the home inspection/foundation engineer/plumbing engineer. Not sure it's going to work. For the most part, I've managed to stay calm, let go of the outcome, and just float. But last night I found myself trying to let go of my HP's buoy and control the situation myself. That never goes well for me. One day at a time - or one hour at a time, as the case is for me today.
YEp... YEP... & YEP... I So Very Much Needed to Hear your "Drowning Verses the Swimming Bouy"... I too can be that person, I too can Love Someone Soooo Much that I feel the Only way to let them Know this is to Drowned or Sufficate our time together..Try and Control ALL that looks Overwhelming to them thinking I am being "Helpful" when Mostly I am just Butting in were I don't belong... it has been a VERY Trying Lesson to Learn for me, to BREAK the habbit of "Attaching" & Better Learn to "Detach with Love"....
Thanks to this Program, and ALL of you Here, I am Slowly Learning it is Ok to be Down sometimes, just don't Wrinkle in it... As Long as there is Air to Breathe, There is HOPE!
Will Send Prayers that things Turn to Your Favor on the House Hunt... I have always tried to Remember that when One thing Fails, HP has a Better Plan he hasn't shared with me Yet... and that one wasn't worth Our Time.... Thanks for Your Inspiration & determination, sometimes Mine Needs and Uplift, & today You Helped with that... So Thank You :0)
Yes I too tend to glom onto people, not only my A, but pretty much everyone. I am learning that I need to attach myself to HP and not anyone else. If I allow HP to help me I feel better. I feel a strange sense of being hugged by HP most recently when I sit in the moment. I smile from that warmth. A happiness I have never felt, even when I have used a prescription to "feel" happy (antidepressents) or something for anxiety (klonopin) I never even got close to those moments of happiness I am now feeling...sigh. thanks ;) Take care of you!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I was told, "Letting go is the easiest thing in the world" when I got here and it made no sense to me back then. But I sure fixated on that one sentence bc I wanted to get there and be able to do it myself.
When I remind myself of the things I am powerless over, as I think through and see reactions I want to take (and try to do nothing but feel them through, without having the "answers" - I just surrender the thoughts and outcome to HP bc as long as I try to spin it in my head and figure things out for me- I can never control the outcome and obsessing makes me sick and lose me-- so I surrender them wholly and see how it plays out later- bc right now if I focus on this thing, I will keep feeling sick.
I learned that rejection is god's protection~ so if things are stacking up against an idea - it is okay to find something else that may meet my criteria. Either way, buying a house is a complicated and stressful opportunity. Make sure it suits your needs. My bf & I, we decided before the inspection if there were major issues we would simply walk away and not get sucked in to more than we could handle. It is all a negotiation, so keep what you need in your mind and dont agree or pay more then you have. Im just saying dont force it and be open to seeing what all of your options are. Good luck with it- we have spent over a year remodelling the one we found and we have enjoyed all of the sacrifice and hard work, none of which is easy but it sure is rewarding.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I surely understand your feelings. You want something so badly, but realize you might not get it.
Letting go of outcomes is not my expertise. But together, we can all nudge each other in the direction of surrendering to our HP's will. Baby steps are not easy to take in our "instant gratification" society that continues to try to brainwash us.
Sometimes, I can successfully let go of "my" wants by reminding myself of the things I didn't get in the past and in the end was so thankful. The song "Thank God for Unanswered Prayers" comes to mind.
Do what you can. Let go of the outcome. Most of all, get busy.
Keep us posted on the outcome.
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Tuesday 7th of June 2011 02:33:15 PM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
For me it was letting go of my son. If i let him go, made him move out of the house all my " what if's" that he would surely die without me watching over him would surely come true. But HP intervened in a very big way. I got disgnosed afer being sick for a very long time with a slow but terminal illness.... there are factors that could move the illness along faster one of them STRESS but if I truly practiced self care I can have 20+ yrs left. I made the decision to take those 20 or more yrs.... discussed it in a sober moment with son and we both agreed letting go was actually the best move for both of us. And he found a place to rent in 3 days and was moved out. Anquish at first for me, freedom for him. But my fears have not come true Apparently sober or not he is able to live out from under my microscope. Is it ideal? No i still get the calls and hear about what he needs etc but I am not looking at it everyday 24/7. Is he struggling...oh yea but again I don't have to be emeshed in it unless i allow it and unfortunatly sometimes I do allow...... hard to let those apron strings go. But I am a work in progress and I always will be Thankfully HP has my back Blessings
Oh White Rabbit great analogies, I totally agree that is how my marriage was. I am so glad my HP can handle me! Letting Go can be so scary, but oh so freeing to leave it in the best hands possible! I love this post!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
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