The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
ok, so he says how can one tell,he works 7 days a week hard labor work carpentry,roofing,concrete,jack of all trades but he works all them days and lives with his boss and his family,his past shot dilaudas alot of his life,drank vodka everyday for who kows how long drinks today every day he has got hipatitis c from shareing a dirty needle with a x g/f,he has a yellow dot in his right eye on the white part,he was strung out bad on somas for mths or who knows like to put him out then,and laratabs he had to have at least 8-10#10mg everday to keep from withdraws,ive watched him go through the sweats and fevers ,high fevers and shakes so so many times his mom says he has been going through them for the last 40 yrs,but when i c him out there working blood and sweat like today in 100% heat he seems ok,i noticed his nose running like a water faucet but says its sinuses or allergies i gues so i dont know what to think,but ppl say his insides got to be like mush,i cant help but wonder at times just how many yrs he has left or how will the desease get him down since he has been working so hard roofing for the last yr he said he hasnt even caught a cold or even been sick,but will drink himself everynite till he passes out.,the pic. aint right something here im missing.but i am keeping my distance from him for sure.any esh would be welcomed here on this ty so much.....chinup
The fear I used to feel for the health of my exaH was incredible. I would, like you, see what he was doing and I would KNOW that it wasn't good for him and that it would shorten his life, and I would become more and more feared about that. And he would be in denial and tell me all the reasons why I was wrong, why I wasn't seeing what I was seeing and that I worried too much, etc. And then I would doubt myself. I would think, "what is wrong with me that I can't just enjoy him? He's right, I do worry too much. How can he even stand me?" I came to realize that this IS the disease. His disease, my disease. I have found that over the course of 10+ years I have become so uncertain about myself and my interpretations of the world. I don't trust myself to see things clearly or to make my own decisions. I don't trust myself to interpret information. I often seek the support and counsel and approval of people close to me, so that I can feel comfortable with making a decision. I believe that comes from years of living in a world that didn't make any sense because what I saw adn knew, I was being told that I wasn't seeing and wasn't knowing.
I am beginning to take more responsibility for myself. To know myself. To believe in myself and believe what I think is right and be willing to act on it without someone else telling me that it is ok to do so.
I guess what I want to say to you is, believe in yourself and believe in what you know and see. The A will do anything to convince you and keep you believing in the world that they believe to be true, because it needs to happen to stay actively engaged in addiction and alcoholism. At least, that is how I realize now, it was for me.
Something that Tom (canadianguy) says on here a lot and has worked for me is "he is either going to drink (or use drugs) or not, what are YOU going to do?" From your post, I hear a lot about your A. I don't hear anything about what you may be doing to work on you, to get better. Are you attending face to face alanon meetings? That was suggested to me when I first came to this board. If I go to meetings, LISTEN and find people I can call between meetings I feel better and I get off HIS back. When I get busy on me, I get better. It is not easy, but the more I practice at it, the better I get at it. And I can feel my HP with me now.
I know what you are going through, watching someone use drugs, go through withdrawals. My abf has drank lots, and used heroin, or oxys or whatever. He is now off the heroin and opiates, and is working on the drinking. He is trying. But you know what? I don't get on his case any more. I work on saying things that I mean and not saying it mean. I work on finding things I want to do whether he drinks or not. One lady at my meeting said something that helped me, when the A is drinking or using, I can go about my business, and not be mean or disgruntled to him, but just do my thing: take a bath, read a book, work in the garden, pet my cat, play with the kids, go for a walk. There is absolutely nothing I can do to make him stop, those 3 C's help me with that. I can't cure it, can't control it and didn't cause it. Also, when I learn to detach, if he is drunk, and on the couch sleeping, I can leave him be, cover him with a blanket and go to bed... I don't have to try to help him to bed or do for him what he can do for himself.
Alanon is for you, to take care of you...Glad you are here! Keep coming back, it works when we work it hugs!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
My sponsor says to put away my magnifying glass and pick up the mirror. Examining someone else, what they're doing or not doing, what they're saying, how they feel, etc., does not do any particular good for my own health and well being. Being obsessed with someone else's life meant, for me, that I did not have any time or energy left to consider myself. My own life and health were just as valuable as someone else's, and deserved my attention.
thanx agin,wow how easy it is to get the focus off of me i do get sidfetracked badly when it comes tohim id plum forgot about me in all this mess dealing with him ,its really very unhealthy for him to even be here even though he is straight well this last time he was here for 2 days ,it took me 3 days to get back to myself and refocus on me whew sooo happy he is gone ,my huge problem now is telling him no he cant come here and stay the nite,that really bothers me that ive yet to stand up for what i beleive in,my big issue with myself,but i really liked that it helped me to hear the put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror,thanx for that 1st id heard that one .yes i am a woose so to speak been telling yall i wasnt gonna pick the phone up and what did i do,sorry ,i hope yall dont get tired of me here wearing out the issues but i am gonna pick up the mirror just for today,this is the only place i have to come to work out my issues whatever they r and i have several,just getting to them as they arise,plz dont give up on me i know im bad to sway backwards and it is imbarressing to me that i didnt even stick to my promise with yall helping with not talking to him but i still got my index card and will add to it as needed and one day it will work i know it will,,,,loves and hugs chinup
Chinup, Recovery is a process, which includes backsliding at times. Just pick yourself back up each time. We all do, especially in the beginning stages.
Focusing on the alcoholic is an invitation to insanity. I still have to remind myself that same thing!
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
No way, nobody will get tired of whatever you post! Recovery is such a process, and nobody in recovery has ever done it perfectly. The beginning is the hardest part, and you're well on your way! No need to be embarrassed ... to thine own self be true. Much better that you're honest and then let it go than cover it up. Covering up the imperfections was one of the things that kept me the sickest.
Your post absolutly touched my heart I lost my brother 9 weeks ago to Hep C that he got from a dirty needle. He used all the drugs you mentioned and was a hard core herion addict and contracted the disease also from a dirty needle. My brother although an addict had his own business.... very labor intensive but he was weathly About 13 yrs ago he finally found true recovery, fell in love, got married and had a son. He was as happy as I have ever seen anyone. Then he got his diagosis of Hep C he had the most virulent strain, the vietnam strain and no medications worked on him. Even with his death sentnce he kept his sobriety and he worked right up until 3 months before his death. In his mind if he stopped working he would die faster, we begged him for yrs to go on disability and he just wouldn't do it. He maintained his sobreity although his wife did not, he stuck the marragie out for thier son, So they both would be taken care of for the rest of thier lives. Do let your b/f do what ever he is going to do. You aren't powerful enough to change him, wether its using drugs or out working in 100 deg weather. It is time for you to take care of You.... I would bet if you asked him he would even tell you to take care of you Only you can change you.... do something nice for yourself, be good to yourself Sending prayers to you and b/f Blessings
The only feedback I can think of when reading your post is that I see a lot of "me" in you.... I am reminded of the time when my wise old sponsor replied to one of my e-mails with a simple "37".... So I replied back to him - "huh?" (as I had no idea what he was talking about). He sent me back an e-mail stating that I had referred to my A 37 times in my first e-mail, and that he was MY sponsor, not my A's.... He advised that he would not reply to me if I referred to my A more than 3 or 4 times....
He had a wonderful way of encouraging me to turn the focus OFF my A, and back onto the only person I can do anything about - ME.
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
xeno thanx and yur right he would say just that to take care of myself,he looked like he was gonna blow away for a long time but with hard work his arms r bigger now but for the rest of him he is pityful i just hope that i dont catch anything like the hip c he ran 106 * temp for 3 days winter before last and had bad chills i told him it must be his hipc flareing up ,i dunno but ive heard that thats what it does ,ty for replying and sosorry for yur bro....chinup
just for the record does anyone know what all a/addicts die from what all ends up taking their lives ive heard several posts here that their a died from alcoholism.im thinking my a will live to be 50 if he is lucky,we r both 48 now,just curios,and yes im still putiing the focus on me when i get off here im thing about my needs and wants,putting down the magnifying glass,it is gr8t to have someone to get us back on track from time to time cause i know i do get off track of where my focus is suppose to be and go about my merrily bus. and i know it works and makes me feel better about me....hugs chinup
No one can give you an expected death age for your A. If you knew the year, month, day what would that change? It seems you are quite focused on this and I am just wondering if you are attending meetings? And reading Al-anon literature? Finding a sponsor was great for me, but I think I want Tom's wise old sponsor from reading his posts!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
dear flop,im not so disaplined at keeping it all up but i do attend a 12 step here at my church every tues,been out for 2 weeks getting back into it hopefully this tues.i do need to get more into my recovery .just been so much going on lately with a sick son.and i do need to drop him and focus on me for sure,thanx for yur post.....hugs chinup
Hi again Chinup, I am sorry life is so hard for you right now. I am just hoping you can take care of yourself in the midst of all that is going on. I know meetings and healthy friends help pull me up out of the muck! Keep taking care of yourself!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
