Numb, confused and at a loss right now - Al-Anon Family Group

devlynn · Veteran Member

Numb, confused and at a loss right now

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

The thought that jumped out at me was what I've read here many times - JADE - you don't have to justify, argue, defend or explain. I have to say those four words sometimes when my AH tries to bring me into an arguement. When I read your post that is what i was thinking would have helped you get through a tough conversation - you don't have to justify why you feel you need to not live together, don't have to argue - just say, i'm not going to argue with you about it. If yours is like mine, the harder I work to try to defend or explain or argue anything, the stronger he gets, more confused I get by his twisting of my words and then I get frustrated and angry. He's REALLY good at taking what I've said months ago and throwing it back at me in an argumentative way that throws me completely off balance. Yesterday he texts me that I said if prostitution were legal I would do it (which wasn't what I'd said just part of what I'd said - I said that if it were decriminalized and i was single, unattached, no kids, no one to answer to, younger and all, I would consider it as an option for making money). He sent this text to justify he is in the right to accuse me of having some boyfriend "hope you and he are enjoying my stereo and bed!" were his words - then he brought up my view on prostitution. I simply sent a text back saying i'm not going to argue with you. put my phone on charger and left the house.

I don't know if that helps at all, I'm sorry you are so broken hearted, I can truly relate.

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

The loss of the dream relationship is what gets to us. You're living in your reality now and it simply sucks. But, without reality we would just keep doing what isn't healthy for us. We tend to keep that dream alive even though it's crumbling around us.

You told him your truth. How he reacted is his issue to carry. Saying it "will be a cold day in hell" is a big red flag, IMO. It speaks to his willingness to get sober and work on himself and your relationship. Maybe you can find appreciation in the fact that he is clearly telling you who he is. The pain you may be feeling now could be a HP message/warning. Marriage is sooo much more difficult to walk away from.

You told him what you needed. That should have mattered..

Hang in there, it'll get better.

Christy

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

On the chips it is written,"To thine own self be true" I really believe this.

We have to be honest with ourselves and carry it out,or we cannot be balanced!

For me a good foundation is vital. Whether it is money, home, car, emotions, choices whatever. Wishy washy or jumping around does not work for me.

I need a constant, routine, gotta know me. Care enough about me to set boundaries. You are doing Great!

NO it is not easy, but it will get better all the time.

It is not our job to take care of another unless we choose to. Then we accept the consequences of that choice.

NO matter what they say, we know ourselves and what we want. If one gives in order to get, then to me that is selfish, a symptom of an addict.,

So he fixed up your place, he can figure out how to fix up a place for himself beleive me. I have done it.

he is an adult, he needs to figure it out. Or like mine be a chameleon and parasite off someone else.

ugh.

ONE day at a time hon. huggen ya,deb

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Read your post again. ugh I know that pain and years later I still remember it.

Hon you were honest. You had the courage to say what you needed and wanted to. he of all people knows how hard it is to live with the disease.

I made it so AH and I had separate bedrooms. He said it was ok but of course told everyone else I kicked him out and how horrible I was.

The thing is he is a walking disease, he has no program, all he thinks about is himself. I was thinking, did he say are you going to be ok living alone? Can I still come over and help you?

Has he asked how YOU are since he has been in jail? All I see is the pity pot bolony.

YOU are my concern. Believe me, you care much more than he does. Or is showing.

It is the disease not him, but they go together.

This does not mean it is over. I have a feeling he will be scrambling to figure out how to change your mind or get back in your good graces.

You deserve to be happy most all the time. I would rather be living alone with me and my animals,and have my dear friends and kiddo's than live with or be in love with an A. Just hurt me too much.

hugs again, keep your tummy warm, drink tea, come back!!! love,deb

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

You say that he says "I'm tossin him away like every other woman has in the past." Even if you were ending this right now -- that's fair, that's a choice you have as an option, as everyone does (even him). In fact, if it's true that every woman he's been with has broken up with him (he never did any of the breaking up?), what would that say? He's the thing all those relationships have in common. Maybe his addiction means that he can't contribute to a healthy relationship. The solution would not be for women to stay with him even though it's difficult and painful for them to be doing most of the work. The solution would be for him to start getting to grips with his addiction, and make sure he was in a really healthy place before trying to move forward in relationships.

This is just to say that we often get embroiled in the way they frame an argument (which typically is that they're an innocent victim and that we ought to do more to enable their addictive behavior, or else we're being mean and selfish). Your setting up healthy boundaries is the realistic consequences of his behavior. To try to sidle around those consequences is typical alcoholic behavior, but that doesn't mean it would be healthy for either of you.

Good for you for sticking to your boundaries. It's sad, but it also gives you a chance to practice withstanding his emotional manipulation. The disease makes him do it -- but that doesn't mean you should take it seriously. It sounds as if your experience is that talking it over in person is hard, too.

Keep on taking good care of yourself.

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

When I get busy I get better and don't get involved in his Stuff... I think for me, even though its the hardest thing to do, I have to keep my focus on me. And I have to go to meetings and find people there I can listen to and call in between meetings. Good for you for reading the literature. I know that pain, I have been there. When I left my ex-husband (who was not an A, but was abusive) it was so hard to finally do it. He kept me coming back by throwing me tid bits of love, creature comforts...scraps of affection and then the abuse would come back again...that cycle of abuse is so hard to break. The A, the abuser, they know how to keep us coming back, by just using certain words. They know how and they know why they are saying it. Its in Courage to Change I believe...or some other literature I read that said, something like: My husband (who at this point was sober), told me that he would say things to keep me coming back and he knew he was saying them and he knew why. Its a way to keep the enabler in their life. I am working on living with my active A and keeping to my side of the street. It works when we work it. I am not in any danger though, he is a kind and gentle person, so I feel safe to stay and work on me, and the changes in me are affecting him. I can tell the difference between when I slip and say something mean and when I stay in my own spiritual program and say what I mean and not saying it meanly.
Take care of you :) HUGS!

devlynn · Veteran Member

It's amazing how a nights sleep can changes ones attitude, ABF and mine. Last night I allowed my self to cry and just let it out. Then I turned down the lights, low music and some fresh strawberries and just reflected. I had my Ah-ha moment and realized I had come full cirle and had my own understanding of step 1. I went to sleep calm and with serenity.

Even just a month ago i would have been in complete shambles and a total mess. Instead I allowed myself to feel the moment and then used what I have learned to "let go let god". I feel good and I know i will be ok!

ABF called this morning. It went well. I chose not to engage in his irrational comments and attempts to "change my mind". I apologized for saying what I said in the way I said it. I meant what I said but I said it mean, and for that I was sorry. I could tell how surprised he was. His fight to change my mind was becoming obviously weaker by the minute. I knew I didn't have "jade" my choices but my gut told me to a little bit. ( ABF at this point was saying he didn't understand or like it but he would do it) I gently told him that I felt I was not strong enough to live together. That I loved him with all my heart and in fairness to him and myself, I knew my defaults would kick in and I would allow myself to try to control once again. I have to work on me or I can never truly be his "better half" or have a healthy relationship with him if I were not healthy myself. ABF asked me how we were supposed to work on "us" if we were living apart. I simply said "honey by controling our own lives and becoming healthy we will have the tools and knowledge to work on "us"no matter where we live. He said a few irrational things, but actualy said them gently. I didn't engage and he quickly realized that and stopped.

ABF says he would do anything to fix us. I told him that was wonderful and I thought the best he could for himself and us was to heal himself. We had a good foundation and it's just time to "remodel". It can be a beautiful house when we both do our jobs and it will come together in the end. He cried a little and said he didn't have to like it but he had to accept it. I told him that was awesome because he is already learning and that is only the begining.

I am sure there will be many more bumps on this rollercoaster we call life. With everything bad comes good. We may not see it right away but it is there an I AM exactly where I am supposed to be. It was and is painful and that's ok. You can't learn and grow with out the pain. Isn't that why we are all here in the first place?

Our call need with tears and I love you's. One day at a time (or moments) right now my "moment" is good and I have hope. The best of all is finding my side of the road. It is my side and I WILL own it. Even if I don't have lane next to me, my side will always be there!!!!

Thank you all so much for posting. Year again you have given me strength an courage to live one day at a time!

Much love and many hugs!!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.