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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> It's sad and out of my hands
Post Info TOPIC: It's sad and out of my hands
parfait624


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It's sad and out of my hands
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My ABF and I have been going through this struggle of being back and fourth with each other since the holidays.  He is over three years sober from alcohol right now.  However he is still smoking pot heavily and over the holidays his addiction to poker took over in the drivers seat.  I started going to alanon because I felt hopeless after working things out after a year and half break up while he worked his AA steps things were wonderful up to the holidays.  I was taken by surprise with his new addictions.  He started neglecting me I started acting out for attention.

I took a step back working on me know thing I couldn't fight his demons for him.  I learned to take life on step at a time.  In April and through the beginning of May we had some real break throughs so I thought.  We were spending time together and talking about both of our issues we were dealing with agreeing it was about progress not perfection.  Then all of a sudden he started ignoring me once again; it was like the person I was trying to put in my past came out of me again.  Out came a white lie for attention.  But I recognized what I did and I wanted to talk about what was going on.  He must not have.  One night I was driving to pick up a perscription; I past my ABF home he happened to be outside.  He got in his car and started following me and accusing me of stalking him.  We live in the same neighborhood and we drive on the same roads. 

He started attacking me calling me obsessed, crazy, a lier, and told me I never did anything for him.  That I was holding on to something that wasn't there and he never loved me.  My heart sank, just a week before we had normal conversations now this? I knew deep down inside this was his addiction talking not him.  I turned my car around and drove to his home; mainly because I was concerned with what was going on.  Probably a mistake but I was distraught and upset.  When I arrived he threatened to call the police on me for stalking and that he would get a restraining order.  I calmly said all I want to do is talk about this face to face like adults.  He finally let me in.  His house which I hadn't been to in months was a complete mess.  He looked awful there was junk and garbage scattered everywhere.  I asked him if he was drinking he said no.  I said something about his gambling he said he it wasn't a problem because he was paying his bills.  How is playing poker six days a week not a problem I have no idea.

We talked about things I am sure he didn't listen I talked about how I felt and I said to him I am sorry about my reactions to your behavior but I can only work on me.  I don't think he wanted to understand.  Then for a brief second the guy I love made an appearance.  He said when things get to serious between us, he has to disappear because he can't handle it.  He didn't like the person he was right now and he was losing touch with God.  I simply said I have seen him at his worst and at his best.  I know there is good inside of him but he has to want to change.  I told him to stop looking for God because God lives in him.  He only has to know himself and accept who he is good and bad.  I left in tears it was a sad sight to see; this time last year this man was positive and loving.  I know I can only work on me and I am trying.  I guess only time will tell what happens but who knows.  Sorry I just had to vent and I think this shows even with out drinking the struggles with addiction can continue in other forms and they can all be destructive.



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canadianguy


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Hi Parfait.... yes, your post is a shining example of the adage:

"addiction is addiction is addiction"...... It really isn't all that different whether they are addicted to alcohol, other drugs, gambling, sex, or whatever....

Hopefully he will "get it" one day, and choose true sobriety, for himself....

I also hope that you will choose recovery for YOU right now  -  "he will either drink (or gamble, or smoke pot) or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Take care

Tom



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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
Debilyn


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For me this is a perfect example of how if we are going to stay with the A, we would need to accept the whole package.Becuz this disease demands it. It does not go away they are never cured.

I see great progress here, though it hurts you very much! love,deb



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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parfait624


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Yes you really need to realize that the diesese although it may go into remission is still there. It can latch on to anything at any time and the chaos will return. Your life can be turned upside down with the snap of a finger. If you are going to be involved with an addict you need to really prepare yourself for things like this. I knew that when he threatened to call the police he was in a dark place. Call them for what? I did nothing wrong....the threats and accusation get more and more crazy. I am loving from a distance right now taking care of me. Because we all know they always come back. I want to prepare myself for that by becoming a stronger person. I can't let his illness control my life because although I am flawed I am not sick. I am just sending prayers that is all I can do.

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flopadopilus


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I can relate and it does sound like you are doing the right things by dettaching and handing him over to God. I am sorry that you are hurting and hopefully you can take this time to work on yourself, sending you love and support!

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God grant me the serenity 
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference. 

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