"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Corgi2 · Veteran Member

Thanks for the support and understanding

Della · Member

I can relate to how you're feeling when you ask yourself those questions.

I have no family and admittedly I don't have many true friends. The only person I had was my fiance who said this made me rather 'clingy' and at times posessive to him. I guess it was unhealthy of me to rely on his so much. Because I only had him, I expected partner, friend, parent, brother and a rock from him.

Since he passed away a month ago I keep asking why I wasn't enough to fight for and why did he kill himself knowing I had nobody else.

The grief has not properly started yet and I am on the waiting list for counselling.

Otie · Senior Member

Dear Corgi2, My take on this is based on my knowledge of As is that you are not his primary relationship. The alcohol is the third person in the relationship. I think any woman who tries to get between a man and his alcohol (pseudo-mistress) is going to be sacrificed.

It has nothing to do with you---except that you have upset his comfort level with drinking. He, most likely, is giving little--if ANY thought to your feelings.

If you arent thinking of you---who is going to? Who is in your camp? Who is the one hurting/crying?

I hear your pain. I hope these words can be of some help.

Sincerely, Otie

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

You didn't do anything wrong. He chooses alcohol because he's an A. Active A's drink - that's just the simple fact of it. It has nothing to do with you or anyone else. It's a disease, it's not rational and there's no way to logically understand something that is insane.

I've been there in the place where I frantically texted and called. I realized after some work in the program that my behavior was part of my own sickness. The first few days is the hardest - can be analogized to alcoholic withdrawal. Staying in the moment and just doing the next right thing helped me make it through that part. After a couple of days, it got a lot easier for me. Stay strong, go to meetings, call program friends, and find stuff to do instead of picking the phone up and calling. The less you give in to the urges, the weaker they will become. Hang in - this part is tough, but you cand o it.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Corgi I had to stop that negative talk in my pretty head.

When I got those thoughts like, we were two peas in a pod, how could he just stop loving me?I would say stop and put in, R is very sick. I am ok just how I am

Its NOT that he does not want you! He doesn't want anything. He is SICK.

drugs dull the emotions, I liked that comment on your other post that said, his disease does not have to be real away from you. That you are his rock, his one place that he feels he has to be "good." Most feel so much guilt they cannot take it anymore. They cannot bear to hear us cry, know they cannot take care of us,not satisfy us.

they can never measure up.

they have the lowest opinion of themselves so why would they want to be around a person who adores them? They cannot take it!Plus when they are very sick, they wonder what is wrong with us that we would love someone like them.

Its better to use positive talk in our head. Lets see, umm do not put yourself down. no on that one, "I am a good person, I deserve love. yes on that one.

When we get rid of that horrible negative talk that we would never say about anyone else, believe me we heal up.

Right now you are very sick, broken, open red bleeding wound. Like any would we have to stop irritating it, and start treating it gently, let it heal. Takes time and a lot of love. Love that we are not going to get from a sick A.

Its a tiny step corgi.I invite you to stop those useless, hurtful things you are saying to my friend! I care about you, we all do.

We are here. If you need to wrap up in a blanket and lie down and nap, do it, do your best to be healthy, it helps you heal. Ask for hugs, feel the hugs.

I was at my house getting stuff and my dear neighbor friend came over. She just hugged and me. Felt so good. I gave her two of my baby piglets when she was very depressed. When ever she talks of them she lights up!

If you have a dog or cat or ? hold on to it. Keep it by your heart. I don't know what I would have done with out my animals, and flowers. HP gives us these things to enjoy and help us.

we may not be there in body but we are there! close your eyes and hug you and feel us.

keep coming as much as you need please!! love,debilyn

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Join the club Corgi. I've been to that rodeo and got bucked off the horse many times before I realized and accepted that I didn't have to get on the horse in the first place. Separating the my wife from the disease was the key for me. My alcoholic is going to do what she wants to do, not what I might necessary want her to do. When the disease is present and in control the best thing I can do for myself is not take the disease personal, not let the disease win, have control over my serenity and peace of mind, focusing on myself accepting that my alcoholic is not going to change, but I can.

The next time the same happens, simle, put a mark on the wall and tell the disease, hey, I'm one up on you.

HUGS,
RLC

-- Edited by RLC on Monday 6th of June 2011 01:04:41 PM

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Corgi - please remember what my sponsor used to tell me...

"if love could conquer this disease, then we wouldn't have a need for AA or any of the other programs out there"

You cannot "love him enough" to conquer his disease.... If you accept the three C's - which are pretty much undeniable - then it goes hand in hand that we cannot "fix" their disease by loving them enough, or being a nice enough person, or whatever.... In his sickness, he will choose his addiction over anything and everything right now - until he sees the light of recovery & sobriety.... This is his reality....

Your reality is that you can choose recovery for YOU - and will be happier and healthier, regardless of whether or not he chooses sobriety....

I wish you well

Tom

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Sending you love and support in hopes you can start healing and taking care of you Corgi!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"