He doesn't want me... - Al-Anon Family Group

Corgi2 · Veteran Member

He doesn't want me...

devlynn · Veteran Member

(((((Corgi2)))))

I am so sorry that you are hurting so bad right now. Im not sure what to say and dont want to say the wrong thing either. i know im not much help.

I do know that if im hurting like you are right now and i post like you did i want a reply and i want it yesterday!

at the very least i wanted to reach out to you and tell you i completely understand what you are feeling and offer hugs! it will get better hun...im sure this will be followed by a ton of great information so keep checking and listen to these wiser folks and you WILL find your way thru this pain.

Lots of hugs!!!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It's tough -- I have been in that place and fall into it repeatedly if I don't watch myself (and even if I do). The craving is terrible. There's something about the intensity of the situation that always makes me frantic.

I read once that our capacity for romantic attachments evolved from the attachments that children have for their mothers. If their mother leaves, they might die. So as little children we're designed to do anything to stick to our mothers, and to feel terrified if our mothers seem to be gone. I can see that this is the kind of reaction I've had to some men. The men that were steady and reliable, not so much. The ones who were intense, first there and adored me, then (unpredictably) not there or not secure -- those were the ones who occupied my every thought. Just like the kid who can't be sure her mother is coming back and she'll be safe.

That thought doesn't end the craving, but it helps me realize "This isn't real -- this is the old feelings being triggered. I won't die without him, even though it feels like it."

Take good care of yourself.

Della · Member

Corgi,

You mention being the only constant in his life, it is possible he feels his drinking will drive you away eventually anyway so in some way, maybe he is trying to prepare for that.

My late fiance was like that sometimes, and he would even say he knows he will lose me eventually which always upset me as although it is bittersweet, I felt my loyalty and integrity was insulted.

Alcoholism is a very selfish disease so he will call you and avoid you when it suits him. he's probably not even thinking about the hurt it's causing you.

Keep posting, dear.

clep · Senior Member

I remember thinking and feeling much like this. After all I did for him how could my A not see what a wonderful person I was. I was as obsessed with him as he was with his drink.

I was looking for validation that I was a good, valuable person from someone that couldn't even recognize those things in himself. I was looking for that from someone that was emotionally sick.

Someone told me once that it is hard to lose and A and they were right. He always came back even when I was SURE this time we were really done.

I woke up one day and realized that while he was not around I could work on myself so I would look all the better when he came back. The more I worked on myself the less important the relationship became and the less obsessed I was with it and him. I did that for about a year. I gained enough self worth to wake up one other day and realize I could work on myself because I was worth it, and he had nothing to do with it.

I was okay after that and still am today. Al-anon led me there and I am so grateful.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

It has nothing to do with you. He is a sick addict. I believe they are telling the truth they don't know what they want, they know they want their drug or they know they want their sobriety or they know they want sobriety with recovery.

It's ez when we just stick around. But not all a's fight to keep us.

I too know. I about died too. Could not eat.

But the truth for me was he did not get a high out of me anymore, maybe that was all it was. He got more from the drugs. I don't know. All I knew and know is he does not love me at all or care.

So as horrible as I felt, it was what stopped me from calling him or seeing him at all. I faced he does not care, he does not love you. He does not love himself.

And I had to face the man I loved is dead. period.

for me that was when I started healing, and my life has been better no matter what since.

I hope you take care of you. be gentle.love,deb

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

So sorry Corgi that you are feeling this way, I remember fighting every minute not to call or check up on my A. Keep working your recovery program and try to focus on yourself. I remember in the beginning not very long ago when I decided to stop hanging out with my A and that is when I realized how codependent and obsessed I was with him. I am only on step 2 with my sponsor and I already feel so much stronger. I have not been at his beckon call any longer and he realizes it. I have decided I am worthy of a healthy relationship! I deserve someone who would fight for me. The only way I will ever get healthy is to take the time within myself and I feel my value going up all the time. I am focusing on me and my kids and life is getting better all the time. I do remember how hard it was and I still have my moments, I had to face and fight my own addiction. Their are still very lonesome moments, but that is when I put in a movie, read a book, get on MIP, call a girlfriend or take the dog on a big walk. I have a hard time distracting my brain, but music helps me too. I hope this helps!

parfait624 · Veteran Member

Corgi,
I think this is pretty common for anyone who is involved with an A. The hot and cold. The emotional roller coaster. My A is the same way, things are perfect then it all comes crashing down. We took over a year apart the first time, he came back he screwed up. Then it was a few weeks apart, then the next time a few months, and now it's been a few weeks since our last big break up. They will find the meanest thing to say to you to push you away. My ABF is also on the I never loved you and never will (and he is sober from drinking 3 years). Then when he comes back cause it seems they always do, even when you think it's over for good....it's the I love you and you are the best thing for me. It is a lot to deal with emotionally. It makes me sick as well. I think it is hard to let go because just when you are ok with your life on your own they suck you back in then you are on a high and they just take it away in a split second. For me it is crazy because he always says he needs to find the one and it isn't me when he wants to push me away. Wanna know something, he has never tried dating on our breaks, he isn't looking for a replacement as in a woman but as in a new addiction. Just know it's not you, this person who is beating you up inside isn't the person you love. Like one of the posters said that person may be dead or in a coma. The addiction takes over and it's selfish. It doesn't care about how anyone feels but the addict. One day at a time.

Corgi2 · Veteran Member

thank you all so much.

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Listen to the song "You Are More" Tenth Ave North on you tube, IT IS TRUE!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.