"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

oldergal · Senior Member

Jealousy a Common Feeling?

devlynn · Veteran Member

Hi oldergal! Ive been trying to think how to reply to your post....

this is what I have come up with....when i look back at the times I were jealous of my exH and I try to simplify why I was jealous or what I was jealous of the only thing i can think of is this...i did not have control...i could not control who he talked to, hung out with or the friendships he had...exH was on a bowling league and man did i get jealous and really? he bowled with a bunch of men, sometimes mixed leagues with other couples...but i did not have control (i have learned what a control freak i used to be)

so maybe this can be food for thought for you :)

Della · Member

When my partner was in residential detox, he was able to connect with others who truly understood him in ways I couldn't. Of course i felt a bit jealous, I worried that some of the females who 'connected' and really understood him would lead to another thing. I felt a bit of a failure for not being able to give him something they could. but I also knew that I must not show it or put him under pressure or interfer with his recovery.

He even said to me he wanted to go to some AA meeting alone as if he has to really open up and deal with his issues then there would be things he wouldn't want me to hear. I couldn't force him to tell me what they were but my mind went into over drive, was he going to admit to drinking through guilt for cheating? was one of my thoughts along with did I put any pressure on him that made him turn to drink more.

Unfortunately I didn't get to find anything out as he couldn't face opening up about anything. He passed away a month ago.

Aimee · Veteran Member

Hi!

My experience with jealousy is pretty recient, I can honestly say I had never been jealous until I found out about what had been going on before my AH began his recovery in AA.(so much dishonestly and infidelity it would make your head spin! I know my did!! confuse ) Now for the first time in our relationship I have been feeling jealous when talks to other woman and I communicate these feelings to my AH (thank you al-anon!!) and I tell him what I need to feel safe in our marriage and he responds however he responds. (usually with understanding and compassion, thank you AA!!)

In the past I would have internalized these feelings and expect him to somehow guess how I was feeling and how his behavior affected me, and then magically he would get down on his knees and appoligize and never do that again. I know now magical thinking doesn't work but honestly communicating my feelings does work.

As far as being jealous of his AA friends, I go to his home group with him and his friends in AA are my friends too. Of course I'm not part of every conversation he has and that's fine. Have you thought about going to his meeting with him? If it's an open meeting then that means it is open to anyone, alot of wives and girlfriends go to my husband's home group.

I hope I could help!

~Aimee

clep · Senior Member

My jealousy was overwhelming. It was because I didn't want to see him have fun as then he might not want me anymore. It was also because where women were concerned he was very deceptive and I was afraid he would meet another woman in the meetings.

He would take me to open meetings and I went with him often. I got to know some of his friends from AA and when he would phone me to say he was going for coffee I could put a name to the face.

I had to put the focus on me and work my own program consistently. That was what really helped.

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, I felt jealousy. I felt it a lot when he was in rehab. I felt it a lot when he got out of rehab and started making an effort to connect with other A's. Part of that was calling people from the program every day. My AH called both men and women. I wasn't really comfortable with him calling other women and having spiritual and emotional conversations, and I said something. He talked to his sponsor about it, and his sponsor advised him to make friends with and call other guys in the program, not women (of course, he's not supposed to ignore girls or anything, but he doesn't make a habit out of getting phone numbers from women newcomers). In my case, my AH had flirted with other women in the past and made some effort to go out with a couple of them behind my back. I talked to my sponsor about my jealousy because I couldn't figure out what part of my jealousy was just my sick mind playing tricks on me. Calling other women in the program felt a lot to me like some of the other behavior that had gone on. This is why I said something. If the behavior crosses a boundary, it is okay to stand up for myself. Jealousy is irrational and sometimes it's just hard to know what's real. I don't think that honest communication about it is a bad thing. No need to be accusatory, but it's certainly okay to talk about it. Talking to a sponsor first to determine what the real problem is can really help.

I think a lot of my jealousy was based on the fact that other A's understood something that I had tried for years to understand and just simply didn't, couldn't, and probably never will. I'd tried for years to fix him and get him sober, and I couldn't do it. When he finally got sober, I had nothing to do with it - and I was jealous of the people that did. My sponsor advised me to get busy getting better on my own recovery - put away the microscope and pull out the mirror.

On the topic of meetings, going to one open AA meeting a week really helped me get some perspective and understand why my AH was devoting all the time to meetings. It helped me a LOT. And I certainly understand why a person would not want their spouse/relatives in a meeting with them. My sister wanted to start going to Alanon, and I was very concerned that she was going to join my group and show up at my meetings. I would not feel free to say what was on my mind and heart with my family in a meeting with me. It doesn't have anything to do with a big confession, it just has to do with my comfort level and the freedom to share completely openly and honestly.

-- Edited by White Rabbit on Sunday 5th of June 2011 08:25:00 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

For me, I always told him, be here becuz you want to,not becuz you have to.I don't want anyone feeling stuck with me.

So jealousy was never, has never been a part of me. I do the best I can,love the best I can, what more can I do. He had the right to make his own decisions.

I remember when I was sick wondering what is it about me he does not stay with me, yet he will go stay with some icky woman of ill repute.But I know now, he does not have to try with them, he can use them whatever.

If he runs off with some AA friend, oh well sucked to be him. Of course I hurt.But not jealous.

This is where working on us is major. We gain confidence, and like us too much to put up with any bolony.

Just my experience. love,deb

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Honestly I have always been a very jealous person with my A of 15 years, not sure if it comes from his cheating early on before marriage that I know of or having unfaithful addicts around me from childhood, but I have trust issues which leads to jealousy in abundance. I am not healthy and am working on it and now that I am single I can work on me and maybe someday I will be ready to date and will find out if it has stuck around, I pray not.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

The feelings are VERY common, particularly when one or both of you are so new & fresh in your respective recoveries....

The best suggestion I ever got on this subject was to focus on me, and my own recovery, and allow him to do the same.... it's not an easy process of 'letting go'.... you've likely been hurt, and he has "earned" the mistrust you have for him, through whatever transgressions that have happened during his active years.... All that being said, we need to try to keep moving forward, and it is a subject that can be discussed with him, when the time is right - if he is serious about his recovery and serious about his relationship - then perhaps you two can come up with a fair understanding/plan, particularly when it comes to AA members of the opposite sex.

Tom

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"